Who Am I Anymore?

17 and Fucking Confused

"What's u-" Dean started.

"Am I just gonna be sex for you?" I cut him off.

"What?" He took a long drag.

"You said what happened with Miley was just sex. Is that all I'm gonna be to you?"

"If you were, why would I wait another year for someone I'd just leave?"

"Cause if you tried now you could go to jail for statutory rape," I rolled my eyes, trying not to cry, and hit my vape, hard.

"I mean, if I didn't have deeper feelings for you why would I wanna stick it out? I could get laid if I wanted to."

"Dean, the day you and Miley came in on your day off together for free food you looked right at and I tried to tell myself you cared and that it was a look of concern and that you cared how it affected me but I don't wanna lie to myself anymore. Do you love me?" Tear swelled in my eyes.

Dean has two looks: emotionless and high. He also has two tones: quiet as yell and adrenaline/weed fueled. 

"I do care about you, more than you realize," he hugged me tight, "One more year, Babygirl." His voice was shy and odd. I'd never heard him like that. He sounded... loving.

A pulse shot through me. My favorite "pet name" in a relationship to be called is Babygirl. I looked up at him, dying to kiss him but held back. In a very quiet, shocked voice I asked, "What did you call me?"

"Oh... um... I... um... ba-," he stumbled over his words.

"It's ok, I like to be called that. Just don't do it around everyone." Before that was what he'd tell me, 'not around everyone else'. It always made me upset because if I truly love someone I want to scream it from the roof tops and he didn't want anyone to know how I felt in fear of him being saw as something he's not.

"I won't," he grinned shyly. I hugged him and he placed my helmet on my head. He walked over to dad's bike with me and he whispered, "one more year and it'll be my bike you're on, Babygirl."

I blushed and he laughed. That 6'3 man practically skipped as he walked back into the building as I backed out of the parking spot. Well fuck now I'm more confused than before I left the house. Damn it Dean. I was hoping this would be easier.

The sun was getting low, I guess it's around 6 o'clock or 6:30 now. I pulled back into the drive way and Kiara was on the back porch. I took my helmet off and hung it up in dad's garage next to the bike. I walked out of the big door and pulled the chain to close it down.

"Where the hell did you go?" She sounded angry and was walking toward me.

I took a hard hit of my vape not wanting to answer. "Just when for a ride."

"So no where particular?"

"I swung by work."

"There it is... You went to see Dean," her voice cracked holding back tears.

"I just wanted some Cinnabons," I pulled a 12 pack out of my hoodie pocket and gave them to her.

"Why did you go see him?" She was so upset.

My southern accent was getting thick, a sign I was getting angry. "All we did was talk. Tha's it. Why is it so damn importan' anyway? You're with Aris. Sorry if I wan'ed to speak t' Dean," I snapped.

"I love you though, don't you love me?"

"Of fuckin course I do, but do you? I mean you are with a man, who hates me, and have been for 2 years," I blew smoke in the air.

"What?" She was pissed.

"All I have ever wanted is for you to be happy, whether that's with me or with Aris or someone else. How is me talkin to Dean any different?"

"I thought I'd never have a chance with you. You always said you were straight, now you think you're bi. Things are different now."

"Things ain't different, you're still with Aris. You love him, so how do I have a chance with you?" There was a long pause of silence, tears ran down Kara's face. My tone softened slightly, "look it's my birthday and I wanted cinnabons, yes Dean and I did talk, but it ain't important."

"Then, what did y'all talk about?" I felt like shit. What am I supposed to say? Oh, he's waiting for me to turn 18 and I think he really loves me. That would break her heart and seeing her so upset with me was breaking mine. I tried to hug her and she backed away from me. Now that fucking hurt.

"He wanted to look at Dad's bike," I sighed.

"That's it?" She wouldn't look at me at all.

"He told me happy birthday," I said with a tone of is that fucking ok with you.

"Promise?"

"Promise."

We went inside and pretended as though I was telling the truth and that she actually believed me. She knows me better though. She knows my heart. I hate lying to her but what can I do? If I tell her the truth she'll be pissed at me for chasing Dean (even though she is taken), but I hate lying to anyone, especially her. How can I tell her or Dean how I feel when I'm not sure myself?

That night we had Jack Daniels and mom made pot brownies. I was so fucked up and Kiara actually drank with me for once. We laughed like that fight earlier never happened. It started to feel the same as my most recent relationship with Drake: we fight, we drink, we don't talk about. Kiara and I never went to bed until around 5am.

I had some odd dreams that night though. Riding on the back of  Dean's motorcycle. Then suddenly at the falls with Kiara. Then naked with Dean. Then jumped to being under the covers with Kiara. Then back to laughing and play fighting with Dean. Then to cuddling with Kiara. It was a constant battle back and forth all night.

The next morning and several weeks following, I could never tell who I was happier with. I do know though, that this back and forth is going to end up killing me: not alcohol, not nicotine, not reckless driving, not my bad habits, not work, not my mental problems, not my family, it'll end up being the love of my life... which ever person that is.

Fuck my damn 17th birthday.