A Christian Romance

Chapter 31 - Reality check

"Oh..." Debora was surprised by such a personal question. "Well, I think that intimacy can be expressed in many ways, but that is a decision that the couple must take together and it would be a great idea to get God involved in it from the beginning."

"Well, yeah, but what would you do?" Mim insisted. "Would you wait to kiss at the altar or before that?"

"I don't know." The man Debora imagined for her future was right next to her, and it felt too revealing to express her opinion with him there.

Moses noticed that Debora was disturbed, but he kept the thought to himself.

"You guys, are just saints, uh?" Mim mocked them. "Why would you treat sex and intimacy like something from the devil?" She kept the mocking grimace on her face. "Remember! God created sex, not the devil." She reminded.

"What is your point, Mim?" Joel demanded, not enjoying the mocking tone of his sister.

"Well, I just wanna make sure that the man God has for me is attracted to me as well, and that he isn't gay, or sees sex like a blasphemy!"

Mim had a point that convinced everybody, but the silence that followed her speech compelled her to add another argument to the conversation:

"I also heard the story of a Christian woman who developed sexual issues at the beginning of her marriage, because she was keeping herself for marriage to such an extreme level - I think - that she started seeing sex as a sinful thing. When she got married, she couldn't even have sex, because of the complex she had developed." Mim continued. "I don't want that for me. Besides, people who show themselves as 'holy puritans', usually are very religious and struggle with porn addiction and other perversities."

Joel had to agree to that last bit. He had struggled with porn addiction and at that time he also lived "Christianity" as a set of rules he had to follow in exchange for God's acceptance.

"I agree with you, Mim!" His family knew of his former addiction, but informing Debora about that was challenging. "As you know," he started. "I struggled with porn addiction," he felt Debora looking in his direction. "And during that time, I was very religious and eager to follow the rules, but I would also beat myself up for failure in that area."

Moses observed Debora trying to gauge her reaction, but she still seemed very disconnected from that conversation. She was distracted, and her state didn't alter a bit, not even when the family said their blessings and goodbyes.
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Debora and Joel entered the car and started their drive back to Sydney. In the first five minutes, she entertained herself with the landscape, and soon after, she felt drowsy and closed her eyes, leaning on to her hand. After a while, she woke up. Joel had noticed the whole thing.

"You seem tired." He commented.

"After lunch, if I'm warm and cozy, I always take a nap." She smiled.

"Besides that, you're alright?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You were so distracted and silent today at lunch. I barely recognized you." He noticed.

"Was I too bad?" She was embarrassed about her behavior.

"No." He giggled. "You were fine, just not the Debora that we know."

"I'm sorry, I was distracted. You know, God spoke to me today in your church. He went so deep that I've been deconstructing myself, my concepts..."

Joel also thought that the word was good, however, it hadn't affected him like that. That didn't mean that she was more or less spiritual than him, she only had different areas of her life that needed a deeper touch from the Holy Spirit.

"Joe, do you think I'm a mature Christian?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"Well, because..." she hesitated. "Well, when I first met Adam he said I was a mature Christian, and I thought I was until you came and started sharing your experience of listening to God and the gifts of the spirit." She exhaled. "I don't think I have any of those gifts, and I don't know how to hear God!" She continued realizing how spiritually immature she was. "And concerning the fruit of the spirit, Joe, I didn't even practice self-control when I was with Adam..."

He was silent for an instant, and when he opened his mouth to intervene, Debora interrupted him adding more words of self-examination:
"I thought of living my life and God helping me with it, instead of joining Him in His plan. I don't even know what my calling is! And I got me wondering whether I am in the right church, in the right job, if my heart is loving the right man." She was struggling. "I've been living a self-centered gospel, but Jesus should be the one in the center. I was so convinced that He had the right place in my heart, but now I see that He hadn't."

"Debora, don't do that to yourself! Don't beat yourself up!"

"I'm not beating myself up; it's just a sad realization." She sighed, looking through the window. "What kind of gospel have I been living?" She was truly disappointed. "I've come to Christ years ago and it seems like I've never truly known Him." She scratched her forehead, very disturbed. "I've been just wasting my time going to church while living my own life the way it seemed right in my eyes, following my misleading gut..."

Debora wasn't as bad as she thought, but the truth was that the prosperity gospel that she heard in the Larking Church was truly filling her ego, and somehow blinding her to the truth of the gospel of Christ. When she first arrived in Australia she was going uphill in her relationship with God, but months of serving in that church in Sydney, compelled her to be immersed in that counterfeit self-centered doctrine.

Joel felt her sadness and found her hand with his. He held it, leaving one hand on the steering wheel.

"What are you gonna do?"

"I'm no longer attending that Larking church." She expressed. "I know what I'm gonna do." It was one of those times when she was filled with conviction.

"Are you gonna tell me?"

"This is between God and me, Joe." She turned her face to his. "I'm sorry, I hope you understand."

She had decided to fast in devotion to God. It was never too late with God to repent nor to start again. She was decided to give up on everything that made her aware of herself. Things, habits, and attitudes, everything would be put in check! She was humbling herself completely to God. If His plan affected her career, her dream of living in Australia, and even her feelings for Joel, so be it! She was ready to finally let go of herself, learn and love what the God Lord Almighty wanted, even if His plans were in opposition to hers. She was decided to trust in Him completely.