Solstice Souls

Deepest Desires

Lan Zhan POV

The silver eyes were mocking him.

That was all Lan Zhan could think about, could let himself think about, at least for now while still in the company of his brother.

The "friendly" contest had ended in a draw, tied between two equal fighters, and XiChen had made sure that was what he emphasised in his final speech before they left.

Suibian had left already, with his cryptic message, and moisture filled eyes. But no...Lan Zhan did not allow himself to even begin looking at his emotions there.

XiChen was disappointed in him, even if he did not say so in clear words, Lan Zhan could feel it coming off him in waves. They were nearly home and still his brother had yet to speak a word to him.

This journey back was a new experience entirely.

Lan Zhan wasn't sure how to breach the gap that had suddenly appeared between himself and his brother...and this foreign silence was new to him. For once, it was he who wished to make the other feel better.

"Xiongzhang..."

"Didi, just what was that, out there on the field today?"

Lan Zhan tried to analyse his tone. Definitely disappointment, mixed with...concern? And a little bit of disapproval.

His ears became hot as he thought of the one thing that could have caused such a reaction.

"Your performance was excellent, as always. But you let your emotions control you, and that is unacceptable. Your feelings allowed your opponent to breach your defences, and it was only by the skin of your teeth that it ended in a tie." XiChen settled back into his normal pace.

Lan Zhan tried to even out his breathing, aiming for calm.

"Perhaps you should go and meditate in the Cold Pond for a while. Reflect upon what happened, and see if there was anything you could have done differently." XiChen told him curtly.

They were past the ivory pillars of Cloud Recesses now, and at the point where their paths would separate them.

Lan Zhan bowed, grateful to be able to spend time alone. Even if it was put to him as a suggestion, they both knew it was anything but. The Lan Clan were specialists when it came to politeness, to the point where they could kill ruthlessly with just a few well timed words.

He watched Xichen walk away from him, and was filled with a deeply melancholic premonition. His eyes burned from the effort of not giving in to his feelings, trying to hold everything inside. Moments passed and XiChen was no longer in his line of vision, instead the lonely willows that thrived as guardians of the gates were seen, whispering their secrets with the wind.

Lan Zhan sighed with them and turned towards the path that would lead him to the Cold Pond. Up here, the mountain air was cooler than the village where they had spent yesterday and this morning. Dry leaves crunched under his soft footsteps, and the scent of wild honeysuckle and jasmine made him feel at home.

It was rare that Xichen would be upset with him, and in turn, the fact that he was, was upsetting to Lan Zhan. In no time at all, he reached the cool waters. He stripped down and entered, relaxing even as the cold crept into his bones. It was a welcome pain, a distraction from the inevitable self reflection he was under orders to complete.

His muscles tightened fractionally until he forced himself to relax completely. And then he opened his mind.

Suibian.

Ridiculous name, ridiculous man.

But why did his heart jump at the thought of those mercurial eyes, constantly watching him?

Lan Zhan practiced deep breathing...and tried again.

He had never been kissed before.

Twice, let alone once.

In a single day.

Here, and completely alone, Lan Zhan opened the box in his mind marked feelings. Usually, it was under a lock and key, buried under the ground made up of rules and regulations.

His skin began to hum, and he felt hot in spite of the cold water surrounding him.

He remembered the softest lips covering his, ever so gentle the second time around. The first kiss had been shocking, electricity running through all his nerve endings, all at once. Fire burned in his belly at the memory, and he shuddered.

He had closed his eyes, committing to memory the intense sweetness, mixed with the scent of ripe lotuses in full bloom, the bittersweet tang of their sweat and the onslaught of rainbows bursting inside his chest.

That combined with an assault on all his senses, plus the satisfaction of a truly competitive fight, where his skill was matched...that alone was priceless. Would any other cultivator disagree? To find someone actually worthy enough to be able to stand in front of them and unsheathe their sword?

To find such a skilled adversary here, on his home turf, that was a miracle too. Lan Zhan wanted to fight him again, at least one more time. An honest fight, without resorting to other methods in order to win.

The mere thought of their next meeting filled him with nerves, and then just as quickly, Lan Zhan felt ashamed.

How could he do this to his dancer?

The graceful human epitome of love, the wonderfully agile beauty, so fabulously talented, who danced just for him? Sure, the performance had been in public. But in those moments when their eyes had met, a silver fire blazed without uncertainty, melting golden pools heavy with desire. Those moments were burned into his brain, never to be erased.

And to think about anybody else was to commit the sin of unfaithfulness.

Lan Zhan was a rule keeper.

Rules existed for a reason, and Lan Zhan was confident he could hold true to this one.

From now on, he would concentrate on finding his dancer. When he did, he would explain how he felt, would ask him to come back to Gusu.

Assuming he didn't already live here to begin with.

This was another worrying thought: how would Lan Zhan find him? He thought back to that afternoon. The crowds around the stage had chanted for Mo Xuanyu. Like a fly trapped in honey, the name stuck in his mind, a flower in a barren wasteland.

If they came to perform here in Gusu, chances were they would also perform in the local towns and villages. All he had to do was find out if they were, and if so, he would do his utmost to see him again. Guilt flooded his senses when a pair of silver eyes slammed into his mind.

Suibian. The wretched fellow needed to be taught a lesson, and Lan Zhan knew it would only be by himself.

                 ***************************************

Much later, and only when he was sure he wouldn't break out in hives at the mere mention of a certain someone's name, Lan Zhan left the Cold Pond to walk back to the Jingshi.

Evening glimmered in the setting sun, as people began preparing for the nightly curfew. Stars twinkled above him in a celestial canopy of wonder, and for the first time that day, Lan Zhan felt as if he could smile. If he wanted to.

He ignored the chatter until a name caught his attention.

"Yes, really! Mo Xuanyu has agreed to one last performance!"

"Where? And how did you find out?"

"It's all over Caiyi. His performance was so short, many people complained that they did not get to see it. The Elders in the next town over managed to persuade the dance troupe. It's one night only."

Lan Zhan paused mid-step, his ears straining to hear more.

"Which night? When is his next performance?" Excitement coloured this second voice.

"Tomorrow night."

Lan Zhan heard the voices fading away, and began to make plans.