After all the things you've endured for me... how can I be cruel to walk out?
I badly want this pointless struggle to end. I want to breakdown, simply die in some corner and let animals feed on my rotting body. And seeing that man waiting to run over me, I stood there hoping to leave without having a say, to leave without the guilt, believing they'd call it an accident.
But why...
Why did you have to throw yourself in between that speeding car and me? You shouldn't have!
I woke up this morning to the wetness on my pillow. Nightmare again, adding the period to the barely four hours long sleep I had in what? Three days? The clock read an early 6:45, and I dragged myself to the kitchen to follow a strange routine.
I think I expected something to be on the table, ready for me to gobble down – like how it used to be, perfect morning breakfast. Maybe that's why I felt a pang on the chest when I was greeted by the dirty cups on the sink instead. The mere thought of a meal made my insides grumble, whether in hunger or some pain, I don't know. I assumed it was the former and decided to stuff myself with something to run the day. I opened the refrigerator to find it void of edibles. It was just making shelter for ice and some cheap beer cans I bought~ some days ago. After shuffling through the cupboards in your kitchen, I found some cereal that looked weird than normal but I could care less. There was no milk or juice to pour in, I wondered if beer would do, but went with the water and mixed the two, making a "tasty" breakfast paste. I ate, for the sake of eating and to give my tongue some mercy, I decided to distract myself. I looked at my surroundings... and I regretted it. Wherever my eyes landed, all I could see was the horrible condition everything was going through.
Our favorite piece of furniture in the house, what we bought with much effort; our couch, looked utterly disgusting, stained with god knew what and smelling like crap. We kissed there on that white cover, we cuddled there, slept there, made love there on that clean elegant leather. It truly deserved better than this. What the fuck was I doing? Everything deserved better. I saw those pink roses of yours outside the window. They were dying, and I felt their pain. The whole house was colorless. I don't think the bulb that fused thanks my luck was the reason for the prevailing darkness. All along, you've been the life of this house. Our places should switch.
I was about to switch on the TV when my gut decided it wants to throw up. Why couldn't it just accept the food I could afford? I felt pathetic as my stomach's contents were flushed down the toilet. After all, I wasn't the only one who hated myself. My body did, even food despised me. Everyone from the family to complete strangers hated me.
I didn't tell you, I met your so-called-best friend of the past, right outside the hospital just yesterday. And she railed me for using you for my 'wicked desires', whatever that means. She threatened me to stop brainwashing you, and spat at me, telling me to die so you could live a normal life. They... really have no idea.
As if to re-remind me how much of a loser I am, my insides rolled for the second time. I washed my bile-mouth and made the mistake of looking at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I looked no better than our house. My hair was dried, splitting and messed as messed could be, I couldn't find the tiniest sparkle in my sunken eyes. Cracked lips, sick skin... this was a walking corpse than a person. I really felt sorry for you who got no option but to be with this hideous monster. What beauty did you see in me? Why did you... why do you love me?
That was my limit. I ran outta the bathroom to find my mates that were hiding at the very back of my drawer. I never broke ties with them, I lied. I'm sorry I couldn't keep my word, I broke the promise... again. I slid the thin metal along the lines that were already drawn on my canvas of skin. The crimson paint dripped drop after drop, soothing my nerves. And I became greedy for the relief. I then grabbed a lock pin, candle and fire to cast a spell. The pin glistened in the flame, beautiful red, burning like my restless head. Your beautiful smiling face played on my eyelids as I made metal meet skin. The sensation was like no other... burning, eating the skin, radiating deep to accompany my useless tears.
I know it is unfair for me to be crying over myself when you're facing greater pain on a hospital bed, I'm sorry I did this. I know I should be strong for you, I will. I promised myself that I won't cry for myself again as I finally wiped my ugly tears. That was the last time. Trust me.
My alarm rang, perfectly timed, and I moved from the floor that was a mess of stains I didn't care to clean. You wouldn't be seeing that anyway.
I dragged my feet to doll myself up. I had to look human enough to bring myself to you. I washed my dirty self in the cold water, used that last drop of shampoo to smell good, used your makeup to cover my ugly baggy eyes and chapped lips, to look good for you. When finally an outline of a human came in to the view in the reflection, I gathered the last bit of will in my soul and I stepped in to the "welcoming" world. The ride filled with insults and looks wasn't as hard as standing near your hospital room's door.
I had to see you, wrapped in pain lying where I should be. Guilt was eating me alive...for everything I did, for every thought of mine. But there was no escape for me, this reality was for me to go through. After hesitating for what seemed like hours, I took a deep breath, adjusted my long shirt sleeve, counted from one to three, forced a smile on to my dead emotionless face and made my way in.
"Hey Honey..."
"Hey~ you're late" Your soft weak voice...
You shouldn't see my childish scars, You shouldn't know that I no longer smile, You shouldn't know that I'm losing my mind, you shouldn't know that the mere sight of you breaks my heart, You shouldn't know anything about any of these.
"Am I? Sorry, I overslept."
"Aw that's alright. Don't overdo it. You should rest"
"I DO rest well. You don't worry about me! Just work on getting better soon"
You smiled that beautiful smile of yours and pressed my hand as if to assure me that you'd get well, that everything would go back to normal.
But... I knew that there was no "normal" we could ever go to. I couldn't hold it in any longer. It hurt, hurt so much. Tears sprang out, and I looked away to hide them traitors.
But I was late. You saw me.
"Hey... are you okay?"
No.
I'm not okay, my love.
I'm nowhere close to being okay.
You didn't know you pressed on my fresh wounds... not that they hurt much, but it crushed my heart. It was a reminder of everything I tried to put aside for a while, everything I tried to forget around you.
Everything washed over me.
Again,
And again.
And again...
You reminded me that my yesterday was the same as today. That my day before yesterday was the same as today. Same pitiful life, same pitiful thoughts, same stains on the floor, same scars on body and mind, same plastering on my falling self.
You reminded me that I'm running on this endless vicious cycle...over and over... You reminded me that I'm tired of living.
But you still, shouldn't know that. You should only be happy. That is what you deserve.
"Yeah...I'm fine. I just missed you, so much. I... I just. Just love you"
You don't have to know that all of this is... just a bitter,
Pretense.
29, May 2017.
Edited- 16, September 2021
Pretense
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