bella | purse dog
Astrophile- someone who loves the stars
•••
{tw— suicidal thoughts & mentions of child abuse}
The stars. The nights— sleepless nights where all I could think to do was stargaze, it bought me peace. whenever my father was drunk and would get mad I would climb up to the roof and watch for hours on end. the calmness was the only thing i felt for years. looking at the stars made me feel.
for so long I was numb to feeling anything, during my fathers beatings I wouldn't cry just take it as he relentlessly hit me — never giving me a break.
I eventually became numb.
numb to feeling
numb to touch
numb to the world
There were times where i wanted to quit, get it over with but that would mean the bitches at school were right. I was exhausted with life. I was simply exhausted with living.
But I'm happier now. I still have my days. It's like the world is failing, the stars falling as i hold onto my last breaths. The suffocating feeling of life. Where I feel dead. No one quite understands. They say they do but they don't.
After the Leo guy came and found us, giving me his number and the address to the place, we all rushed home — deeming that our clothes weren't party worthy.
Party worthy? is that even a thing. ha like i care.
We are all on our way to the party, its on the rich side of Paris, y'know like Marilyn Monroe and Coco Chanel.
Shut up Marilyn isn't even French. Never mind but where the rich bitches live.
I think because I literally grew up dirt poor, that I crave that feeling of contentment, I wanna live the life of a rich girl. I wanna show them all that I'm fucking better then them.
I've been told to go to a therapist for obvious reasons, but I fucking hate talking about my feelings let alone talking to a complete stranger. Nah baby not on my to-do list.
It seems pointless. I've gone once and nearly threw a lamp. This motherfucker really wanted to tell me what I feel. I think the fuck not.
We pull up to the address and it's buzzing with life. People out in the yard and on the roof. People dancing and grinding on each other. People literally having sex in front of everyone. No fucking self respect
"DO A FLIP" I yell up at the people on the roof.
That would be cool.
"FOR YOUR NUMBER??" I hear a distant voice yell back.
"NO DON'T ACTUALLY! YOU'LL DIE" I say and Amelie yanks on my arm, rolling her eyes as she pulls me into the mass of sweaty bodies. The smell of sex, drugs and alcohol filling my senses— instantly relaxing me. Even though it shouldn't. it makes me feel alive. Partying and drinking always gave me relief. Helped me forget.
I pride myself in being kind and caring but that doesn't mean i don't like to get drunk off my face.
We all look hot as fuck and I can already feel eyes on me. I haven't talked to Ares since I saw him win, not gonna lie it was hot seeing him like that. In his comfort zone.
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