Second chance

11. Fix it

He rummaged through his bag as he looked for one of his notebooks that contained his important research. He needed it for his presentation today. Tay cursed and ran a hand on his face. If it’s not in his bag then it must be in one of the drawers inside his room in the café. He shook his head and sighed. He had no choice but to go back there and get it.

As he drove towards the café, he hopes New won’t be there. As much as he’d like to see the younger, he understands having him around would just complicate things. New needed to sort out his feelings and he, well he is already sure of his. When he reached there, he let out a relieved sigh as he realized it was Sunday.

It was awfully quiet so Tay thought that maybe there was no one there so he quickly made his way up to his room. The communal bathroom, which was adjacent to his room, suddenly opened and out came
Jumpol.

Tay’s eyes widen at the sight of him – shirtless and thankfully with shorts on, with a towel over his head.

“Tay?” Jumpol’s voice asked, the towel semi covering his sight.

He recovered quickly and clenched his jaw. “Peng.”

Jumpol looked at the room and then to Tay. “Oh. Were you the one using the room? Sorry I’ll move my things in a bit.”

“No its fine. I’m… not staying here at the moment. I just came to get a few things.”

“Please go ahead.” Tay brushed past Jumpol and immediately looked for his notes. Off leaned against the wall and watched Tay shuffle through documents on a small desk. He hasn’t seen him in a long time and was glad he grew up to be real nice. Although he would have wanted to meet him under different circumstances.

“So… I heard from Pluem you and New are dating.”

“And so?”

Jumpol shrugged and leaned towards the dresser. “Nothing. Isn’t he ... already married thou?”

“You know my grandma lived a long life.”

When Jumpol raised an eyebrow in question, Tay continued, “Because she was minding her own business.”

Jumpol pressed his lips together, forming a thin smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Hey c’mon man… no need for hostility. I was just doing small talk. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other.”

“True and I’d like to keep it that way. You haven’t contacted me ever since you left for America. Heck I didn’t even know you were back until we saw Auntie and she told us the news of your… elopement.”

Jumpol scratched his head and smiled. “Yeah… we did that quite impulsively, huh?”

Tay pulled in a huge breath and held it. Jumpol was testing his limits and he knew better than to succumb to jealousy.

“Hey since you’re here… I was kind of hoping to ask you for a favor. I’m taking New out for dinner tonight and no one will look after Pluem.”

Tay placed his hands on his hips and sarcastically chuckled. He can’t believe what he’s hearing right now. He ran his tongue on the inside of his cheek as he thought of how thick-skinned Jumpol is to not understand the situation they were in. ‘Unbelievable.’

“Can you do it, man? You’d be a great help.”

Even if Tay did want to for Pluem’s sake, he couldn’t. He finally found his notes and headed for the door, not bothering to answer Jumpol, but before leaving, he just had to ask. “Why?”

“Why, what?”

“Why did you give up on him? On you both?”

Jumpol stood unmoving, not knowing what to say. Tay guessed that when the opportunity presented itself, Jumpol just took it without really thinking things through. He never saw Jumpol to take someone seriously so when the news of his elopement reached Tay, he was astonished. They hadn’t kept in touch but he was glad then that his Pengyu was starting to get serious. And look where it got him…

“You know I looked up to you growing up. You were like one of my role models. I’m glad that I didn’t really tried to follow you because… I’ll be an asshole. I just wished you didn’t ask Hin to marry you if you weren’t really sure but then again I wouldn’t have met him if it weren’t for you.”

“P’Off-… Tay?” Shocked by the sight of two men, New stiffened.

“Don’t worry, I only came to get my notes. I’ll come back for the rest of my stuff when I have the time.” Tay forced himself to walk past New.

“Wait, Tay!” New went after Tay in a hurry.

The old could have been out the door with his long strides but his feet unconsciously slowed down because frankly his heart was in turmoil for not being able to see New for a long time. He missed his Hin.

“It’s not what you think. He had no place to go and I thought it’s easier this way. Hey, talk to me.”

Tay turned to New with an annoyed expression. “Okay you want to talk? Let’s talk. When were you going to tell me that you got back together huh?”

“Wha-? What are you talking about?”

The older folded his arms across his chest and snorted. “Oh please. Who lets an ex stay at an extra room in their house? Also I had to hear from Jum-Peng that you were going to have dinner tonight? That’s great. Have fun.”

New snapped and scowled at Tay. “Oh wow! You just went right to it. And what about you? You haven’t come hom-… you haven’t slept here for a week and you come back just out of the blue, were you really just going to leave without talking to me?”

“I only came to get what I needed. That’s all.”

New felt hurt. How easily Tay says these things as if he didn’t profess his love for the younger weeks ago. So many thoughts ran his mind and there was something he wanted to be sure. “Are you cheating on me? Is… is there someone else? Who is he/she??”

“Don’t be ridiculous New. Why would you even think that?”

“I recognize the signs. I just… want you to tell me if you don’t want me anymore. If you’re just going to be like my ex…” 

Tay looked at him squarely in the eye and gave New a sad smile. “I wish that you’d trust me like I trust you. I never lied to you, not even once and don’t ever compare me to your ex. There are so many things that I want to tell you but I can’t… at least not yet.” He steadily approached the younger, his body silently craving to hold New in his arms but he kept his distance. Just one touch and his resolve would crumble.

“I love you with all my heart but I can’t be a back-up plan whenever Off is around. I’m not asking for the world. I just want certainty and I don’t think you can give that to me right now.”

New held in his breath. “Are… Are you saying that what we have now isn’t enough?”

“Yeah. That’s what I’m saying. Look I can’t stay. I have somewhere I need to be.” He took one last look at New before walking away.

“If you love me…” New started which made the older freeze, “If you love me then you’ll stay and we’ll talk about this properly.” He was left with no other choice, he can’t just let Tay leave like this.

Tay closed his eyes as anguish spread throughout his body. He bit his lip and clenched his hands. How many days he has dreamt about New but he knew he’s priorities, unfortunately.

He released a shaky breath before saying the words that would crush them both. “I’m sorry.”

Tay got inside his car, not even looking back. He moved quickly. The longer he stayed, the more he’s tempted to turn around and take it all back.

His words made New’s legs tremble as his breath became shaky and shallow. He sank to the floor as he watched Tay leave.

When Tay saw New on his rear view mirror, his heart felt like someone put a dagger in it and set it on fire. He gripped his steering wheel hard as he sped up, leaving New and his feelings behind.


                                 ---


“Just a Flat White, please.” New politely told the waitress. He didn’t feel the need to even look at the menu. He sensed he wouldn’t be staying long besides he was still a bit shaken about what happened this morning.

“Thank you for accepting my dinner invitation.”

New only gave a small smile. He then felt it again. Lately he’s been having a certain kind of feeling that he can’t put a name on and usually feels it whenever he looks at Off. It was subtle at first but lately it was like an itch that he can’t scratch.

He accepted the dinner invitation because he wanted to confirm something and there’s no reason for him to dally so he decided to get straight to the point. “Why are you really here, P’Off?”

“I told you I wanted to see Pluem.”

New rolled his eyes. “I understand that part but okay let me rephrase my question then… why are you being so nice to me? And don’t lie to me. I hear bullshitters are contagious.”

Jumpol had to chuckle. “I’m starting to think that maybe I made the wrong choice and I missed you both so…” He reached out to hold New’s hand, which he missed it by mere centimeters as the younger drew his hand closer to his body, carefully avoiding the touch.

“P’Off?” a deep whisper made both Jumpol and New look to the side.

There stood a beautiful, pretty man – Short, thin, with jet black hair– with a worried expression on his face.

Jumpol gasped and quickly stood up and approached the man. He dragged the man to the side and in hushed whispers he asked, “What are you doing here? I thought we were done.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t meant what I said. When I heard you were here, I had to see you.”

“Hey. You two. It’s rude to leave when someone is still talking. Sit down.” New gestured for the chairs across from him.

Jumpol looked panicked. “This isn’t what you-”

New sighed, his patience almost running out. “I don’t like repeating myself for a third time. SIT. DOWN.” He watched as Off and the man sit across from him timidly. The man refused to meet New’s gaze as Jumpol felt uneasy, his gaze everywhere but the younger. New continued to stare at the pair for a few minutes, eyebrows knit in the center. “Nothing.”

Jumpol looked bewildered at New’s behavior. “What?”

“I feel nothing. Huh… so this is what I’ve been feeling all this time.” New shook his head, chuckling.

This past week that Tay wasn’t around, New had some time to think. For a while he actually considered trying to work things out with Jumpol but every time that he tries, he’d feel nothing. The more he stared at Jumpol, the more he’s sure that he doesn’t love Off anymore.

“I can’t believe it took the two of you to make me realize how an idiot I am.” New turned to the mysterious man beside his ex-husband and asked, “Okay, what’s your name?”

The unknown man darted his eyes to Jumpol, which looked at him with eyes that meant ‘at your own risk’.
The man- Little boy was shorter in height compared to New, he still cowered under the younger’s gaze. There was something about New’s aura that simply “Gun Attaphan.”

“Gun. Right. Well I want you to know that none of this is your fault. What happened between us…” New paused and knowingly looked at Jumpol before turning back to Gun, “was bound to happen. You were probably just the end line. I should hate you honestly but… I surprisingly don’t. My mind right now is full of… well anyway, I believe you guys have something to talk about so I’m going to go.”

Jumpol caught up to New’s as he was getting his coat. “New… you have to believe me when I said I’m here to see you both. I didn’t know where to go so I came. I just… wanted to make things right.”

New gave his ex-husband a small smile and reached out to place a hand on Jumpol’s cheek, “Oh P’Off. Look at you being all honest with me. We had our chance and that didn’t work out. You only came because we are someone familiar to you and we just can’t be a back-up…” New’s voice faded he remembered Tay’s words, feeling more stupid for the things he said to him this morning. He pulled his hand back and donned his coat, feeling light-hearted.

“We just can’t be a back-up plan when things go away. I loved you once and there will always be a very small part of me that will mourn for you and what could have been but… that’s all. If you want to make things right, start by really having a serious talk with Gun. The guy traveled to god knows where just to see you.”

“But-”

New held up a hand. “Just don’t. For now, things between us may not be completely okay but in time it will be. Fix your life P’Off. You have a chance to start over, don’t waste it. At the same time I’m going to fix mine. I want you out of the room by tomorrow. Be sure to say your goodbyes properly to Pluem. He will understand. And also… next time you take my son without my knowledge, I’m pressing charges. Goodbye P’Off and good luck.”

As soon as he stepped foot outside the restaurant, New inhaled the chilly December air and exhaled a satisfied sigh as the air filled his lungs. The restaurant was relatively close to the Toptap's household where he left Pluem so he opted to take a night stroll.

He looked up at the stars as he thought of Tay. He smiled to himself as he thought of how an idiot Tay is for loving a man like him but that’s just how the older is. Tay is simply one of those honest lovers – a pure, selfless lover – who gets to know their lovers flaws and the emotional scars that come with it but still loves them anyway. He was one of those lovers who would selflessly do whatever it takes for their lover to be happy.

And suddenly he realized something.

He has never spoke the words – the words Tay needed and wished to hear. He has not yet told him that he loves him. The realization made his heart suddenly drop at the pit of his stomach as he silently prayed that he wasn’t too late to fix this.

Because if he is…

New knows he wouldn’t be able to recover from this particular heartbreak.

                              +TBC+

It's been a long time,
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