ʀᴇᴠɪᴇᴡ ꜱʜᴏᴘ

review | twenty six

Furthermore, there is also this sentence near the beginning:

"He let out a chortle just by imagining Jungkook joked around and played hide and seek with him and tried hard not to be seen."

Read that out loud to yourself. Doesn't it sound weird or off? That's 'cause most of those verbs should have the -ing ending. Here's the edited sentence:

"He let out a chortle after imagining Jungkook joking around while playing hide and seek with him, trying hard not to be seen."

Better, right? This is just a sample sentence, so I'm not telling you that that's how your sentence should be worded. I'm just saying that that's one correct way to write it and that the tenses should presented as such.

Lasty, you have some cases of repetition. You would use the same word multiple times in a paragraph, which can be annoying after a while.

For all of this, there are easy fixings. Most of the wording could be fixed with a grammatical checker, whereas the tense might come with a little bit of complications. Depending on which grammatical checker you would use, it may not pick up on all of the tense errors. However, that's why rereading your work is helpful. You could find those tenses that sound off, and the same goes for repetition.

Also, little pro-tip: I suggest avoiding the word "orbs" since many readers are revolted by the usage of that word. To them, it just sounds cringy, and it may lead to loosing their interest. It's not too bad in my opinion, but I wanted to warn you regardless.

Dialogue : 8/10

Your dialogue is good, but sometimes you use an excessive amount of exclamation marks, which takes away from the beautiful, well-worded, writing you have. Furthermore, I don't know what ~ stands for, but you use that a lot too. You definitely have to cut down on the exclamation marks (trust me, only one is needed) and you should consider doing the same for the squiggles (~) you use since you sometimes use two in a row.

Despite this, I believe your dialogue is great and realistic! There are some instances where you should probably use a period instead of a comma (you could find these be rereading out loud; since punctuation comes with their own pauses when speaking, you'll know if there are too many or too little pauses when you say your work out loud), but, otherwise, the dailogue really reflects on the personalities of your two characters!

Flow : 6/10

For your flow, I just believe that you can start your time breaks differently. Each time there's a time skip in the story, you immediately start with dialogue. That's okay to do sometimes, but all the time is just too much. You could always start with a description of the surroundings (something you're good at) or starting off with an action that tah character's are making. You could even start off with the thoughts of a character. There are many ways to start and end a certain scene.

Furthermore, I think you should connect your time skips a little. For instance, try going through the process of how they got to a certain place. Like, how exactly did they get to ride on that donkey? Did they discover it was a little area for donkey riding and decided to join in. Or, was it just a random donkey and they convinced the owner to let them ride it with a little persuasion? There's a lot of adventure in those parts of a story, and it's nice to have them.

Writing Style : 9/10

For your style, I can tell that you are incredible when writing descriptions. You have a talent, not only for visuals, but also for feelings. I could accurately determine each emotion from your characters to the point where I almost felt it myself. Your type of writing is often rare, and you should be proud with what you can do! Your dialgue and prose skills may not be as spectacular, but they are still good at the very least! Amazing job!

Plot : 9/10

Your plot is great! A simple "date" with Jin and Jungkook traveling the city and reveling in each other's company. My only problem is that you kinda insinuate that they will get together in your blurb (I know, I've already talked about your blurb and how to fix it, but I figured I'd still inform you) and they didnt actually get together (or so we think...) in the oneshot. I'm not saying to specifically say that they don't get together or something, but say something like "Will Jungkook finally make his move? Or will things forever remain the same?" This way it still leaves to possibility for both futures. I honestly can't remember if you already wrote that in your blurb or request, but better safe than sorry!

Characters : 9/10

I love your characters! Though I don't know much about them in real life, I really like how you depicted their characteristics and traits throughout the story, and it was a nice experience in getting to know them. I can tell you that they are very realistic! Great job!

Comprehension : 7/10

There are a few confusing parts in your story. Sometimes your wording is just a bit off, like it is here:

"The taller man cocked his thick eyebrows."

Well, Jin was alone in the room, right? So, stating the "taller man" contradicts that since the word taller is a comparison word. It compares two people. Like, you'll ask "who is taller?" when you want to know, well, if you're taller than the other person.

Simply put, you could've (and should have) just said the "tall man."

There's also this sentence:

"Ripped jeans that complimented his toned, slim thigh."

How do jeans compliment your thigh? Is it the color that it compliments his thigh? Even saying that sounds weird, though. I don't know, but maybe consider changing what it compliments.

Engagement : 7/10

I was mediocrely engaged, but that could be because I am not in this specific fandom. There just wasn't enough action to satisfy me in the beginning (I loved, loved, LOVED the middle and end, however). You could take this statement however you want, but my only suggestion would be to add a little pizazz to the beginning to hook people in. Regardless, I absolutely love your story.

Total : 75/100

Ok, let's summarize.

Really, the only thing I believe you should work on is grammar, vocabulary, and flow. And, your blurb, of course. All I suggest to fix the mistakes I pointed out is grammatical checkers and rereading. Your work is already great, to be honest. You have a nice plot as well as realistically intriguing characters, and you have a knack at writing. Your oneshot is amazing in my opinion, even unedited. You are a fantastic writer and I wish you luck on your writing journey!