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Chapter 37- he's him

Hiya, been feeling kinda worried abt this book lately and just wanted to ask if anyone was actually invested? Like I love writing, so I'm very happy to, but do u want me to continue? Ty, ly<3

V O T E

TWs- mentions of Self h4rm, mention of abu$e, mention of r4pe

Younger Clay's POV (like 19)

I was meeting with my dad.

For the first time since I turned 18, I was meeting with my dad.

He had told me he just wanted to have dinner with me, talk about everything that had happened over the past year. Immediately I had felt hopeful that he'd give some kind of apology, the one that I had waited for and dreamed of for years. I was sure, from how kind he sounded in the message, that this time was gonna be different from all the others. There was a good feeling. A small hope.

I pulled up to the restaurant in my relatively shitty car- I mean come on, it was impressive I had one at all. Dad told me he was sat at a table inside, with a 'guest'. Quickly my heart fell slightly, making this possibility of a perfect evening quite a bit less likely. But I couldn't stop feeling hopeful for it. Even when something is on the same level of believable as a flying pig, if it's something you've wished of forever no one can blame you for tricking yourself. Especially when it's not deliberately.

Before walking in I took a moment, taking a deep breath to try and calm down my heart. Everything was moving too fast and unbearably slowly, flashbacks and dreams flowing into my mind. The insane balance of positivity and negativity seemed so wrong, like a nightmare and a heavenly imagination. There was so much painful contrast, so much hope and so much fear. But it didn't even come close to stopping me.

I had to do this.

The moment I walked in I saw him, sat right in the corner with his ringed fingers interlocked. His eyes shot up to meet mine, and I almost passed out. Every time he looked at me I felt like I was back, alone, being shouted at or hurt. Hate and fear would fill my bones no matter how I had felt before.

There was a boy sat opposite him, his back to me. His hair was brown, looking disgustingly like chocolate. I felt sick. He looked about my age, and perfect.

Even as I walked over a heavy judgement came from the table, the bright green eyes of my father scanning over the jeans and t-shirt I wore. The mystery boy was dressed in a dress shirt and suit trousers, hair brushed and material ironed. It made my stomach drop comparing the way I looked to the way he did.

"Uhm- hi Dad"

It wasn't exactly a homely reunion. The last memory I had of the man sat in front of me was him trying to hit me as I left the house with packed bags. It had been both the best and worst night of my life- but it had resulted in me being free. For the first time ever. 

"Clay."

His lovely response. The first word he had said to me for a year, and it was my name in the most disgusted, dismissive tone you've ever heard.(like my mum when i tell her I'm unhappy lol) I felt sick. This was awful."Uh- who..who is this?" I mumbled, trying to be polite while tears pricked angrily at the back of my eyes.

"Noah."

"Oh, cool, I'm Clay by the way, how- how do you guys know each other?" 

I looked down into the dark eyes of 'Noah', seeing a smirk like he thought he was better than me and a glint of cruelty in his gaze. Looking at him made my vision go hazy, it was like I was gonna pass out. What was going on?

"He's my new coworker. And he lives with me and your mother- in your old room actually. I thought you should meet him, it's just- he's like a SON to us."

___

(present day Clay)

I had left soon after. From my memory that was all he really said, like he only invited me there to crush my hopes. I wouldn't be surprised. At the time the idea of my Dad moving on from me as his family hurt no matter how horrible my experience as his son had been. Noah looked exactly like him in the sense that he thinks- or rather knows- that he's stronger, better and more emotionally stable than the person he's up against. Who in this case was me.

Of course, I stayed in no contact with either of them after that evening. Not that they tried to, the first time I saw my dad since then was chapter 21, and that hadn't exactly gone well. My mum didn't care, clearly. They looked good when they met George. They looked rich. Like their experience with Noah as their 'son' was much more enjoyable than the one with me.

But Noah had done that to George. Hurt my boyfriend like that. This entire thing was just so much worse than I thought.

The boy sat in front of me, confused and slightly scared, was everything in my life and had been for most of the last year. Even before we met up he took up a lot of it, just as my best friend instead of more than that. Anyone that ever came close to doing something to him had quickly become a person I hate, but I hadn't prevented this. In fact, I myself had triggered the memories that put him into this state. I myself had kissed him when he told me to stop.

God, I wish he hadn't taken those blades.

(963 words)

Thoughts?

Please make sure to lmk if you want me to continue, any support is appreciated and absolutely amazing. 18k reads!!!!!!!!

If ur reading this ily<3