The Closer I Get to You

33

TW: mention of abuse, mentions of suicide, and Zendaya!!!

Beyoncé

"Oh word."

I'm sitting in front of Zendaya. I decided to hear her out after a few months since our last interaction. I'm not rekindling, I'm just discussing the end of us completely. I want to leave her in the last. I want to establish that with this meeting.

I suggested a 7/11 by my school and she agreed. We sit outside of the store in some benches. Me across from her.

I don't mean to be rude or shady, but Zendaya looks homeless. She lives with her mama but still somehow leaves the house lookin' a mess.

"You datin' Nicki now?"

I nod proudly and a smile comes into my face as the thought of my girlfriend comes to mind.

Zendaya playfully snaps in front of my face.

"Cool."

"Why?" I know that this is deeper than Nicki.

It's already established they don't like eachother. Who would she be to speak ill of Onika in front of me? I'd have her laid out in the speed of light.

I arch my brow since she still hasn't responded.

"Nothin' just glad to see you progressing and moving forward in life. Speaking of..." she readjusts herself in the seat. "Sorry for everything, Beyoncé. Every petty thing I got you into. The way I treated you..."

I stay quiet and close my eyes. The degrading things she'd say to me, every fight ending with sex, the multiple times she slapped me in the face hard enough that I needed to find creative ways to hide the bruises, the time she left me stranded in a completely different state NAKED, only being nice to me in front of others, we boxed each other almost daily at one point, and the way she'd threaten to kill herself every time I tried to leave. You name the toxic behavior, Zendaya was doing it in her tender teen years. You name it, I took it like a little bitch.

I refuse to do this to Nicki. I'm not going to.

13-18 year old me needs closure from the shit Zendaya put me through. That's why I'm sat here today. After she disrespected Nicki at the grad party, I had the strong option to completely cut her off, but her regret seemed pretty genuine and I took her up on it. Little me is starting to get closer. I feel it deep in my chest.

"I'm sorry, Beyoncé. I was wrong."

You don't understand how validated I feel. I truly feel a weight being lifted.

"I'm sorry." Her voice cracks. "I'm sorry. I quit doing that dirty ass work. I'm tryna get clean and— an—- sober. I met this girl too."

She starts choking up. I straighten my posture up and feel lost on what to do.

"I met this new girl and I wanna do better, Beyoncé."

I nod fully understanding her.

"I wanna live!"

She bares her head down on the desk and her body is wracked by the sobs. I just look at her. I can't bring myself to move to comfort her. I look to her and a customer entering the store just stares at me. Just for the stranger, I rub circles on her shoulder.

It feels awkward. This is one of the few times I've ever seen Zendaya cry. And now that we're not in a relationship anymore and I haven't been around her much for a while, it's scary. It's scary to see such a person break down like this.

I feel like it's too cruel to say "Karma's a bitch" out loud so I just think it in my head and hope I don't think out loud.

"And you will. I hope that you achieve your goal, I know you will."

Again, me playing it up as strangers walk past so I don't look heartless. 

"Beyonce, I'm so, so, so---" She breaks down once more and I sigh. 

"Look, I understand and I'm happy that you'r making changes but there's nothing you can do to bring me back. I gotta move forward. I'm doin' it for Nicki and myself too. I will always have care for you, but we simply can not be---"

She sobs louder, interrupting me. Will I ever truly be able to get rid of this girl?