August 22nd.
00:45.
I'm not necessarily okay. I've never been okay really. I'm lost in my own mind and its making me sick. Mentally and physically.
I know I'm not perfect. The complete opposite. But I try my best. I try my best to be a good girlfriend, friend, and person. But I'm already failing at that. Everyone I've ever met, I've let down. The people who said they'd never leave me, they left me. All of them.
I have one friend. One very best friend who has been there for me since the beginning. She makes me feel stronger and feel better about myself. I can always go to her if I need her. I've been doing it a lot lately and I'm sorry.
I haven't been eating a lot. Barely anything. I'm just so sick that it effects everything I do. I never want to get out of bed. The thought makes me want to gorge my eyes out. I know I'm an over thinker. I know I'm not the best. I know my anxiety can get out of hand.
At this point, I'm to the point of wondering 'I wonder if it hurts to cut myself.' I haven't done anything. I pinch my skin when I'm anxious. It does help. It makes me know I'm okay. I'm still here. I didn't leave them yet.
I'm always tired. And I never sleep. So restless. So irritated. And so selfish. I push everyone away. I can't do anything except apologize because I can't hug people through my phone. I want to. So desperately, but that time hasn't come yet. I'm waiting.
I'll wait forever if it means I can get her in my arms. That's all I want. I want my girlfriend in my arms so I can hug her and comfort her and say its okay. I'd do anything to be there. And here I am crying about it again. Great.
Long distance sucks. I've thought about the things we could do together. But then I remember the distance and the years we have until we meet. I can feel my heart sink more every time I remember.
But I can't do anything. Her parents are the worst. My parents don't really give a shit. They never talk to me. Assume I'm the cynical hard ass everyone calls me. I'm really a sensitive girl with a lot of feelings and writes a book to explain them.
I have people to talk to. I do. But I'm scared. What if they think I'm selfish? What if they leave me because I have too many problems? What if I start crying and never stop?
It scares me. Terribly. And I can only think about how much they changed my life. They make me want to live. Be grateful of my life. But its hard. Knowing they'll be better without me. It hurts. So much.
I failed my grandparents by turning out lesbian and sensitive and the way I am. I failed my parents by lying to them about being okay. I failed my siblings by putting on someone who I wasn't. I can't fail my girlfriend and best friend. I already feel like I'm failing.
But its nothing they can't fix. They're not here.
