All There Is

13.Hannah

Yeah, Matt messed up. Yeah, he let his fears take over. But then he got himself to a therapist. Then he came to find me to try again, knowing I might not want to. Knowing that he may have ruined things for good.

I flip onto my back and put my hands on my stomach, lower to where the baby is growing. How can I be mad at a guy who wants to do better for his kid than his dad did for him? How can I hold his fears against him when he's struggled with this his entire life?

And yet...I'm scared.

So damn scared.

I don't want to raise our child alone. But I also don't want this baby to ever be made to feel the way Matt has.

Which is why I don't know what to do.

***

A noise jolts me awake. Great, I fell asleep again. I look at the clock and see it's past eight. So much for trying to study early so I could go to bed at a decent time. I might be pulling a late night with the books.

I stretch as the noise returns. Someone's knocking at my door. Morgan left in such a rush she probably forgot her key. Although she'd be pounding while shouting my name so it's probably not her. As I slide off the bed to open it, I wonder if Matt has come back. But when I open the door, it's Jeff who stares back at me.

"What the hell happened?" He doesn't wait for an invitation as he steps passed me and into the room.

I push my hair back, gathering it in a ponytail before letting it fall behind my shoulders. "Jeez, I just took a nap. I can't look that bad." Or can I? Maybe I'm already getting bloated with water weight gain. I've started to read about pregnancy changes and that could be one of them.

"No. Not you. What happened between you and Matt? He's going at the weights like a maniac. That's pure stress lifting, no doubt. What did he say? Did he ruin things?" Jeff is pacing, his frustration rising as he speaks.

"Nothing happened. He told me he's trying, said he wants to be there for me and our baby, and I told him I needed to think about it." I wince at the memory. Yeah, I can see why he had to go lift weights. I've been going out of my mind, too, but physical exertion like that wouldn't help me right now.

Jeff stops his pacing and stares at me. "What? You're telling me he said and did all the right things and you still held him off?"

"Dude! He ghosted me for almost two months! What do you want me to say, 'Oh, no big deal, it's fine?' It's totally not fine. It's the opposite of fine. That was horrible to go through and I don't ever want to go through it again. Especially with a child."

Jeff comes to stand in front of me, holding me by the shoulders and looks right into my eyes. "You have to grab love when it's in front of you. Take the chance now when it can make all the difference. Matt is trying, really trying. He's going to therapy, didn't bat an eye when I told him to talk to a professional. He wants the help. He wants to be your man, a father. Your life partner. I wouldn't be standing in this room saying all this if he didn't. Trust me, I already bashed him up and if I thought he needed it, I'd do it again.

"But he's come out of that dark place and is finding his footing again. Walk alongside him so he doesn't stumble. Honestly, Hannah, what more are you asking for? Life doesn't come with guarantees. Sometimes you have to take a risk."

Before I can say a word in response, Jeff's eyes go wide and he steps away from me.

"I have to leave. I have to find Allison. She has to know that I love her."

My jaw drops. "Okay. Go. Tell her." I have no idea who Allison is, but when he said her name everything about him lit up. I don't want to hold him back.