After Afterall

33

My parents' house feels like a dungeon. The shades are drawn downstairs and the house is cold. The door handle is covered in a plastic child-proof locking mechanism, which I'm guessing is enough to keep my mother in when she's no longer herself. I walk into the kitchen to put the groceries I bought in the fridge and I notice the knife block is empty and all the cabinets also have locks on them. Even the refrigerator is guarded with a lock.

From upstairs, I hear music playing. I lay my jacket over the banister and leave my shoes by the door.

For the last few weeks, I've been trying to visit my mom as much as possible, although some days it's harder than others. For instance, on Tuesday of last week, my mom was Ellis Grey the whole time I visited with her. We discussed work and the trial. She asked about Derek and the wedding plans. She never once seemed confused. But then on Wednesday, I had more time to visit, but within just minutes of arriving, my mom thought I was sixteen again and was yelling at me for running around with Tommy Winters, my first high school boyfriend. I tried to stay and tried to support her, but she was so angry with me. Well, not me, but my younger self. Richard suggested I leave and I gladly obliged.

I know I should show up and visit no matter my mother's mental state, but now I do call before I arrive and during my call this morning, Richard said my mom was doing well.

At the top of the stairs, I take a left and then another left into my mother's office. She hasn't been doing a lot of work as of late, but music has been especially helpful for her to remain herself, so she's been sitting by the turn table listening to music from her youth. She's just flipping a record over when I knock on the door frame.

"Oh Meredith," she says with a big smile on her face. "Good. I was hoping to see you today."

I glance around the study. "Where's Dad?" I ask.

"Out back chopping wood."

I walk further into the room and sit down across from her. "Since when does he chop wood?"

"He's a mountain man now, apparently. It's your fiance's fault."

"Derek? What did he do?"

"Oh him and Richard were talking last week and Derek mentioned how he wanted to go camping with him at some point, as if Richard camps. Derek started talking about how relaxing the fishing and chopping wood are and how much he misses it now that he's in the city. Richard loved the idea and since he can't really go camping right now, he decided to start chopping wood. And apparently he and Derek are going fishing once he's back from Greece. How is Derek, by the way?"

I glance down at my engagement ring. I hardly wear it, but I like wearing it for my mom in case it helps ground her. "Good. Busy. He's really liking Greece."

My mom readjusts a pillow behind her back, helping her prop up more. She still looks like my mother, but the last few months have seemed to age her quickly. "And how are the wedding plans coming? Are you still working with that wedding planner?"

"Sarah, yes. She's good. She makes most the decisions, which I love."

"Don't you want a say in things?" she asks.

"Not really. If I had my say in things, we'd be eloping. I'm all for getting married, but I think the wedding and all that is a bit much. It's all for Derek, really."

My mom laughs. "And all of America. Don't think for a second the White House or media would let you get away with eloping. Your wedding will make everyone millions of dollars."

"Can we not talk about the media?"

My mom stops smiling. She nods, rather seriously. "Of course. I know it's been tough."