Empyrean Iris

Chapter 29

But he knew enough about Drev by now to know that they saw war differently

She couldn't understand what had happened to him.

She couldn't understand what she had done.

He clenched his eyes shut for a moment taking one long deep breath. He wasn't acting like himself and he knew it. He was acting like that other man, the man who he feared and never wanted to see again.

The man that had come back from the war.

The man who looked up at the stars and saw only lights.

With a great deal of effort, he dragged his gaze away from the Drev and turned himself back around to face the window, eyes cast over the distant star field before him. He had seen the star charts in his log, knew where everything was in relation to each other. He had always been good at mapping stars and recognizing them, though he assumed that was more a product of obsession than it had been of talent.

He tried not to look over his shoulder, trusting the dog to alert him if something happened.

His stomach churned, but he ignored the feeling, raising a finger and pointing out into the darkness, "That one is the Milky Way... not sure what your species calls it. But we share a galaxy."

He heard footsteps behind him and had trouble keeping himself in place.

He placed his hands behind his back, hands clenched tightly together, "When I first arrived on your planet, I tried to find my home star, but.... Didn't have any luck. Our home worlds are relatively close together for space, almost remarkably so, like living as next door neighbors. I was sure that we had some stars in common."

He felt a shadow fall over him to the right, but he kept talking.

Nerves rose up into his throat giving him the desire to speak faster, though he tried to choke it back down. His voice had always given his nerves away, even since he was a little kid, "Racked my brains for weeks and weeks trying to figure it out before making the connection."

He turned to look at her, afraid of what he might find but forcing himself to do what he knew he needed to.

Luckily, she was not looking at him, but staring out into the dark vastness of space. Her bright golden eyes, which he remembered too vividly, were missing the battle focus they once held. If he were to wager a guess now, he would say melancholy or sadness.

"Your planet and mine share the same polar star."

She turned to look at him now, and he felt his blood pounding in his chest and in his neck.

His heart hammered so loud he was sure she could hear it.

She tilted her head.

"Polaris. Your Southern star, our northern star. Three stars actually Polaris a, b, and c, and you guys are a little bit closer than us of course which means the star is brighter for you-." He could feel his mouth speeding up despite the protestations of his brain. Dear Jupiter, why did he have to talk so much? Why couldn't he be a stoic silent badass like.... Like oh he didn't know, like the terminator or batman.

"Eedachel."

He paused, 'What?"

"Eedachel." She said again turning back to look at him, "From the words leading Eeda meaning leader and Cheel which means light."

He grunted and turned back to the window," Cooler than our name. I'm pretty sure Polaris is just Latin for pole."

They fell into silence again, both of them staring out the window and across the vast unfathomable star field.

"I never wanted to go to war."

That declaration seemed to surprise her, and he could feel her sharp golden eyes boring into him again. Why couldn't he just shut the hell up!

"Why not? Your people are a great warrior race unparalleled in battle. You must gain much honor."

He snorted in derision, "You don't understand much about humans. Where I come from there is nothing particularly glorious about war. In fact, it's almost pointless. Any one of us makes a move and the other one can just blow them out of existence from the comfort of their own living room." He became aware now that he had wrapped his arms around himself.

It took all the force in his body to drop his arms.

He might as well be wearing a sign on his back that said 'Kick me I'm pathetic'.

"We don't fight for glory or for honor, at least not anymore."

He could feel her watching him, "When human's fight they fight for money, power, land or to make a point, and once war stopped being an option because we could completely annihilate each other. War wasn't about losing men anymore, it was about who could destroy more of the other person's land in the most spectacular way." He looked down at his feet, "When I came to your planet, I was just doing a job. I was trying to help us get in good with the GA, and this was the best way to do it."

He glanced at her from the corner of his eyes met with a cocked head again, "But you are a great warrior. I saw you in battle. You K-"

"Not a warrior, a soldier, and yeah, sure I was trained that way." He turned to face her straight on for the first time fighting back his own fear, "War doesn't mean the same thing to us, war is suffering and it is pain, and it is scrambling for your life in the dirt and the blood hoping no one can see your tears because all you want to do is go home." His voice grew softer, "War is doing things that are wrong, but being told by society that what you did was ok even though you still feel sick sometimes.... The war almost destroyed me, losing my leg nearly cost me my life, my freedom, my sanity and my passion." The dog whimpered at his feet, "You don't see it the way I do, and I get that, and I.... well... I'm sorry for being an... I'm sorry f-.... I'm sorry for treating you poorly."

Damn those words stung. They tasted like bile on his lips, and all he wanted to do was spit that bile back in her face.

But he knew he couldn't do it.

He turned away hoping to conceal the burning that he could feel in his eyes. Sometimes he really hated himself.

Can't shut up.

Can't control himself.

Can't be the man he needs to be.

"Where do you find honor, human?"

Behind her translated voice, he could hear the soft rumble of her voice. The Drev all had relatively deep voices, and she was no different.

"He shrugged, there are plenty of places to find honor since honor is subjective. Some people find it in the pursuit of knowledge, medicine, science, protecting others, enforcing law. Honor isn't a thing you can pour from a bottle."

"You didn't answer my question."

"You asked where one finds honor didn't you?"

"No, I asked where you find honor."

He went very quiet at that moment before turning to look at her, "I think you have already figured it out, Sunny, I'm not a particularly honorable person."