Mentally lost

Hi!

I studied the cigarette smoke more than anything in my entire life.   I never felt so lonely sitting around people listening to nothing but my own thoughts. I wasn't lost but i was never found. And i guess i was in between.

I felt pretty much comfortable with myself even though I didn't really know who the hell is she. I had red bright hair that was pretty much the opposite of my dark soul. I reflected everything i never was, and i wonder if people realized that smile i was giving was actually reflecting all the dark days i was having. I asked myself if i was okay and i never had the answer. Sitting with myself was pretty much awful. And the scariest thing i was terrified of was my depression coming back up.

Couple of years ago i went through a really bad depression it left me in bed for a while. I thought it was over. And i really felt strong again and unstoppable. I was happy and in control. I fell in love after years of not believing in it. But i finally found it. I found myself and the love of my life -my soulmate- and i even went back to college after i dropped out for a year to figure things out. I finally got back on track and i felt my life coming back to what it used to.. before my melt down. I even decided to quite smoking and it worked ... for like a month. And now i'm going backwards, I started smoking again and I don't really know if what I'm feeling is okay. Or i'm just lost. I lit a second cigarette while looking out the window to a really mesmerizing view outside. I think thats enough for today. Have a good night.