Always, Never

You're not missing me

"If you had one day left to live what would you do?", I ask Jay over Facetime.

"Uh... I'd... buy a plane ticket, go to your house and spend the day with you.", he smiles, "How about you?"

"Aww, I'd... do the same, to be honest", I chuckle. "So... I wanna ask you something... and I hope I don't sound annoying or anything...", I say, he nods. "What do you like about me?"

If I'm being completely honest with you, things haven't been exactly perfect with him lately. He's acting like this now... but at times, it also feels like I'm losing him. When I first told my friends that he lived thousands of miles away from me, they suggested I drop the whole thing, but I didn't because even though I never imagined myself wanting to do long distance, I want this to work. For the most part, it hasn't been terrible... but sometimes it feels like he's slipping away and there's nothing I can do about it. And I hate to be the type of girl who'd need validation from a guy, but at times I still need to hear him say something that proves that he's still into me.

"What do I like about you? Everything, honestly. You're perfect"

I smile. He never fails to make me smile, but asking this type of questions doesn't satisfy my need for validation, actually, it's quite the opposite, I feel like I need more of it.

"This is the last thing I'll ask, I promise.", I tell him, starting to feel annoying.

"Shoot"

"How... do you... feel about me?", I ask, making long pauses between each word.

His expression quickly transforms into a very confused one, "well, you're fun to be around"

I don't want to ask another question so as to avoid getting hurt but my mouth moves without my consent, "yeah, but I mean, do you have feelings for me?"

"I'm... confused.", he answers. My heart drops. Why was I expecting an "I'm in love with you" or at least an "I like you a lot"?

"Why are you confused?"

"I don't know... your question confused me... I mean, I guess I like you... is that the right answer?"

I don't even know what to say anymore, and I don't wanna keep asking questions because I don't want to keep hearing this. I wish I never even asked that stupid question. It might be the truth but who needs the truth either way? "Yeah, sure", I answer, faking a smile.

•••

I have no clue why I did that yesterday. Huge mistake. Damn it, why do I have to be so freaking annoying, making all these unnecessary questions? I don't even wanna talk to anyone. The bell rings and I put my head on my desk, looking down at the floor, blocking everyone from my sight as if I were to disappear by doing so. Someone comes up to me and asks, "are you okay?"

Seeing that I don't recognize the voice, I ask, "Who's asking?"

"Max"

I get up and say, "Oh, yeah. I'm okay, I'm just tired. That's all"

"Good, I just wanted to check", he says, grins, and walks away.

Grace approaches me and I whine, "Jay hates me. He hates me".

"What are you talking about?", she asks.

"We facetimed yesterday... I asked some stupid questions and I believe I annoyed the crap out of him. I asked him how he felt about me, he said he was confused"

"Well, that sucks but-", she starts saying but I interrupt.

"No, you should've seen the look he gave me, he must think I'm insane! It was bad, it was so bad.", I exclaim as I put my head in my hands.

"Try texting him and see how he responds, that might give you a clearer answer.", she says.

"I guess"

"Who was that guy by the way?"

"Max Mills", I respond.

"Oh... he seemed worried about you... you know, this whole Jay thing going downhill might actually turn out not to be so bad after all", she tells me.

"What are you- you mean... no. You mean I should date Max?"

"I mean, maybe... he looks like a nice guy"

"But I want Jay... not Max."

•••

Hailee

Heyyy :)

Jay

Hey

Hailee

I just wanted to apologize for what happened yesterday... I hope I didn't make it all weird.

Jay

No

You didn't, you're good

Anyway I gotta go ttyl

•••

"It's not okay, he's not okay with it, he hates me", I tell Grace. "He's acting all dry. He didn't even want the conversation to go on, he just cut it off. How could I be so stupid?"

"Don't blame yourself, Hailee. I'm sure it's not your fault. But... what if we asked Adam? He's a guy, he might know what it means"

"No, please, can we just not tell Adam?", I ask her.

She nods, "Okay, but why?"

"Because he loves being right and he warned me about this, he told me this wouldn't last and that it'd end bad but I didn't listen and I know that if I tell him he'll go like 'I told you so' over and over again", I explain, "And I feel bad enough already"

Grace nods, "yeah that's true, I'm sure he'd go like that. He can be quite annoying at times, I must say"

"Yeah, but he was also right. I shouldn't have pushed it"

"But who knows if this is all about you? We don't know what's going on in his life. He might have something else in mind."

•••

More like he had someone else in mind.

"So this is what's been going on with him?", I say to myself as I look through this girl Jane's Instagram. I check out the comments under her posts.

"Cutie", "Wow😍", "you're so perfect", they read. One of the comments is even as old as a week after we stopped seeing each other.

I decide to FaceTime Grace immediately, I need to tell someone. She fortunately answers.

"So all this time he's been flirting with this girl that goes to the same school as him"

"Hello to you too", she responds.

"That jerk. I should've known. You know, when we were at the beach he'd be all like 'you're the best thing that's happened to me' and all and then kiss me. And also, one time we were texting and he said what he had liked the most about the summer was making out with me. So of course, he liked me because he knew I wouldn't say no to a make-out session but that's about it. He never actually liked me."

"So then... what are you gonna do?"

"Forget about him?"