The Villainess With No Happy Endings

Chapter Thirty-Two - Let Try Once Again

Why do we even try? What's the point? This is a pointless cycle we are in. It feels so exhausting. We should just stop. No more suffering. No more loneliness. Let's end it finally.

I feel myself getting lost in these cold eyes of hers. It feels like I am slowly becoming an empty shell, my emotions are finally leaving me. I just wanted to lose myself in this strange sensation. It feels comforting in a weird, scary way. I just want everything to finally stop. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I feel tired, I feel weak.

But... I wonder why I don't want to give in? Why do I still want to keep trying? I am acting so stupid, foolish, stubborn. This is the easy way out for me yet... I still want to... I want to... I want to keep trying. Again and again and again and again and again...

"I wonder why I'm trying? It is confusing, it is frustrating, it is pointless." I finally spoke up, my voice echo throughout this dark space I started to pull against the hands that were holding me down on the ground. I didn't break eye contact with the young girl who was sitting on my chest. I could feel the nails of the hands holding onto me dig into my body but I didn't stop trying to escape from them.

"Whenever I hope for something it always ends up going bad for me. No matter how much I try to tell myself it will work out next time, it never does..." In the girls' eyes, I can see all the moments in my life where everything just went wrong for me. It was just failure after failure. I hated it so much and just wanted to give up. Life was pointless to me. I had nothing.

"Maybe I should give up. It would be easier. I lived so many lives where I ended up getting killed. My other life ended with me killing myself in the end. I wonder what the point of trying anymore..." I was slowly moving my body up into a sitting position. The hands holding me were trying so hard to pull me back down but I wouldn't let them. It felt like they would dislocate my bones from how hard they were pulling at me but I didn't care.

"But... I think I am stupid for saying this... I want to keep going. I don't want to give in. Some people care about me. I am not unlovable. I don't want to lose this feeling. Even if... Even if it ends with me getting another bad ending... At least I didn't give up. I don't want to give up anymore. When I gave up I lost the only person who ever loved me. I want to keep trying, even if it is foolish. It would be so much easier to give up but I am being so stubborn." I managed to get only one of my arms free and I started to pull at the hands holding my other arm. I was still looking into the young girl's eyes. She was now just sitting in front of me but I couldn't make out her current expression.

"I am sorry for not giving up. Can we please keep trying until we reach an ending where we can be happy? To be loved? Let us not give up yet. I don't want to." I finally managed to get both my arms free and feel the soreness in my arms, but I just ignored it. I slowly reached out towards the girl and hugged her. I hug me.

This is foolish. You are just extending our suffering. Why can't you just let it stop? It's too much... Just make it stop...

"...I love you, Aurelia. I love you, Alina. I love me. Even if no one will love me... I will start loving myself. Why should I find someone to love me? I still have myself. I don't need to look for people to love me. I just need to start loving myself." As I was saying this the dark space I was in started to get some light. It was like a sun was coming up in this darkness. I didn't let go of myself. I wouldn't let go. I just wanted someone to hold me so tight during the times where everything was so hard... I wanted someone to make me feel so safe. I just needed someone to... I...

The me who was so lonely. The me who hated the world. The me who wanted love so much. The me who was just a child who just wanted a family so badly. The me who grew up too fast.

I just needed this... I caused all this pain... I hurt myself so badly... I was just like the people who caused my pain as well. I didn't like that at all. I want to be better, I really want to be better. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

"I am sorry but... Maybe this time will be better for us? Because this time I will actually learn to love myself. Learn to accept the fact I don't need to seek out love from other people who clearly don't love me. Learn that I am someone important." I was still hugging her, I was hugging the child who needed this hug so badly. I could feel small arms slowly wrap around me and hold me tight. I could feel wetness appearing on my chest but I didn't mind, I just kept her close to me.

"You are so dumb... Who are we kidding? This trait of ours isn't that bad. It's so good that it's back. Maybe things will be different this time..." I could feel her disappearing from my arms but the tightness of her arms around me didn't go away. Even after she was finally gone I could still feel her hugging me. I was alone but it still felt like someone was hugging me.

I am going to be okay. I love... I love myself. I am someone who deserves love. I deserve happiness as well. I am not just a villainess in someone's story, I am just a person who wants to be happy as well.

The dark space I was in now had a bright light shining everywhere, and flowers appeared around me. They were daisies, white, yellow, and orange daisies. It felt like they were all speaking to me, cheering me on.

I slowly unwrapped my arms from myself and stood up. I can feel myself standing straighter and a heavyweight disappears off my shoulders. I felt... I didn't know how to explain it but it was a good feeling. A feeling I wanted for a long time...

Author Note - Okay, okay. I have been gone for a good amount of time. I was busy with my part-time job and I was busy figuring out how many chapters I would write until this story is finally done. I am thinking maybe two or three chapters. Then I will have to wait maybe a good amount of time to come up with the second book. Also, I have been like going on a roller coaster with my emotions regarding gender shit so yeah... Also been working on a bunch of other stories I could upload after I am done with this. I have just been super busy with stuff. Also just saying this but it would have been nice if someone could hug me so close during the time I was feeling like shit... Stuff will get better, I don't know when or how but it will get better somehow.