A Bump in the Road -- Watty Awards 2011 --

Thrown for a Hurl

I’m going to hurl, there is no doubt about it, I am going to be sick all over a public transportation vehicle. Nicole thought as she worked very hard to control her breathing as she stared out the subway window, with her mouth open and her eyes shut tight against the whirl of motion streaming past the windows that was threatening to empty her stomach.

It must be the flu- being so wet and run down from the fall and the stress of work lately must have finally gotten to me. Closing her eyes against the whirl of colours, she stumbled off the subway platform and even managed to make it into the en-suite bathroom in her office before falling to her knees in front of the toilet and heaving into it – having eaten barely a saltine in the last 24 hours. Hair falling around her face, Nicole managed to get into an upright position with her head against the tiling of the wall.

Tearing up, she tortured herself with the thought of having to face Jaclynn and the rest of her office. Sherri – she thought, reaching for the phone she had once thought was so laughable at having in the bathroom. She was her only other friend in the city once Tess had gone to Washington. Nic? Sherri knocked on the door and came in a few minutes later, are you ok ?

God, sherri I need you to help me get out of here. Alright come on – I just sent the interns down to the mailroom on the 35th floor. Sher we don’t have a 35th floor…she managed to laugh a little at what Sherri had intentionally done. Sherri piped up Let’s go, but I’m not taking you home honey you’re going to the doctor. No no no I’ll be fine, real – she retched and leaned back over the bowl again until nothing but bile came up. All right, all right lets go then Nicole grumbled as she pulled on her coat and grabbed her gorgous leather Birkin bag that had been a present to herself when she had gotten this promotion.

So Nicole, seeing you back here so soon? Dr. Bruckerman  joked as Nicole lay back on the horrible crinkly paper. Well lucky for you, our urologist & blood technicians are onsite today to help with the overflow, pardon the pun, of test results to be made. The samples you’ve just given were put at top priority in the pile as we’re concerned that some nerve damage may have been sustained during your fall 8 weeks ago that has thrown your system out of wack – causing the superfluous symptoms.

There was a knock at the door and a nurse in flowery scrubs and crocs came in & handed the doctor the test results. Ah - Well Nicole, it’s safe to say that your leg is healing nicely and there has been no permanent nerve damage. As for the nausea and faintness I think we can just attribute that to normal but uncomfortable first trimester changes. I think we can schedule an ultrasound for the middle of next -  

Pardon me? Nicole said, lifting her head off the little plastic pillow and propping herself up on the table. Ms. Warren, you’re almost two months pregnant – Congratulations my dear. All the air whooshed from her lungs as the room spun around her and she lay back down on the examining table. But do. doctor Bruckerman that’s not possible, Oh I assure you its possible, both your blood and urine tests came back with strong levels of HCG.

Frustrated to the absolute limit, she all but yelled at the doctor – but I’ve only had sex with one guy – I, I just lost my virginity – she stopped for a moment – almost 8 weeks so two months ago. Thank you doctor I have to be going now Nicole said, grabbing the prescription for prenatal vitamins from the doctors gloved hand before rushing out the door into her car in the parking lot, where she then proceeded to throw up out the door of her car, all the while, tears streaming down her face. She’d just given up her virginity – She had always planned to save herself for marriage but she didn’t regret what she did with Joseph that night.

Never liking to acknowledge the fact that her stomach was there, Nicole cautiously put one hand on her abdomen that soon would be a neon sign that read knocked up and single. It wasn’t just her. She’d always feared never finding the right guy and having a baby of her own, but having the baby and the father being in a different country was never part of her game plan.

Oh God, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry – I don’t want to bring a baby into this world into the arms of a scatterbrained, scared mother who couldn’t wait to rip the pants off of some guy who I’m not even sure where he is or what he’s doing. But God – help me to have a healthy baby, I’m gonna love him/her so much but I’m scared and I’ve made so many mistakes already she sobbed, rubbing her stomach with one French manicured hand as if trying to erase the baby inside it.

She cried until her head hit the steering wheel causing the horn to sound and snap her out of her verbal self-abuse.

Sitting on the couch later that night in her Lululemon yoga bottoms, Nicole started to furiously google and gather all the information she could. Too exhausted and sore from the continuous ejection of her insides that day, Nicole splurged and ordered a huge home delivery of groceries, including the prescription for her prenatal vitamins she put in after cancelling her pain relievers for her leg. Terrified she had already hurt the baby between the heavy duty codeine and late night pity drinking binges, Nicole vowed to do whatever was best for her baby. Her baby – it was the first time she had ever used that wording – not just a pregnancy, a baby, the baby but her baby and her pregnant body.

Always disgusted with her larger figure, Nicole had always been fairly clumsy and never thought about it – bashing into doors or leaning over counters. Now she acted as though there was a great big air bubble around her belly – even though she knew the baby was protected by one kick ass internal cushioning system inside her. Inside her. Oh shit – for the last couple of hours Nicole had only thought of herself and the baby  - but what about Joseph?

Becoming pregnant the same month she gave up her virginity wasn’t exactly part of her life plan but she knew she couldn’t and wouldn’t abort or give up her baby for adoption. Not only was it against her religion and faith but also – she secretly loved the fact she was carrying a baby. All these years of being terrified no one could love her, there was going to be a new focus in her life. Being slightly overweight and not even two months pregnant, Nicole knew there was no possibility she was showing yet  but all the same she preferred to think of the roll of skin around the top of her pants as part of her now pregnant stomach – and instead of sucking in her stomach when she looked in the mirror – now Nicole let her shoulders slump and her hips jut forward to push her belly out to see what she would look like in the months ahead.

That however was a good day, there were days when she would sit paralyzed with fear and guilt and regret; hands pressed against her stomach as though it could change past events that had led to this tightening of her pants not caused by daily lattes & brownies and she would just curl up in a ball in the middle of her bed and shake.

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