Burning Embers

Chapter II

Time really has flown by, it's been a year now since the accident. Remembering it brings a small ache in my chest, and my healed scars start to hurt just a small bit. Things have been pretty normal though, and I've been homeschooling myself since I still have some anxiety about going back to school. Don't get me wrong, it was nice and all that, but...when I pass my old schoolmates on the sidewalks, or I see them in the stores I go to in my spare time, they just scowl at me. Like I'm the scum on the bottom on their shoe. I believe them on that, I could have done so much to make that accident not happen; like make us both wear helmets, ride in the car, take the back roads...anything to ensure neither of us would have been hurt...or killed. Yes, even after a year I'm still grieving, and blaming myself. I know it's not my fault, but a part of me still feels like it is. Kyle's parents reached out to me after I had been discharged from the hospital. Though it wasn't something like you'd read on the media. They told me we should have been more careful, that I shouldn't have talked about the new motorcycle with Kyle, so many things expect telling me that it's okay. The only two people who have been actually supportive are my mom and English teacher. I don't know if I should call it supportive, but they don't make me feel more like shit than I already do. Sometimes I think about leaving, and start a new life where the grass is greener, and no one knows who I am. Maybe that's what will help me move on fully...to find a new life out there. My life here is over, and I'm not even dead. Everyone, besides my mom and English teacher, hate me. Even though they don't openly show it to everybody else, or me. I can see it in their eyes, and how they speak to me. A strained 'hello', the awkward smile with a small wave before uttering a greeting before leaving as fast as they can, the silent glances with a mere huff in my direction, or just a slight nod. It's the little things that speak a thousand words like that, especially when you can feel the suffocating tension in the room. I can understand their anger, we all were great friends with Kyle, and I was the one who lived. The town's nobody lived, and the town's most loved person died. I probably need to stop thinking about it, but I can't, it fills my brain, and it's all that I can think about. Even when I'm listening to loud music, or working...it just jabs its way into the front of my brain. This is absolute hell.

Maybe everyone will forgive and forget after a long while. Maybe they're holding on like I am; desperate in hopes Kyle will just be strolling down the sidewalk with his wide, impish grin. However, we all know that's not going to happen. He's deader than a doornail...and nothing is bringing him back. I can feel the tears start to slip down my cheeks, their hotness burning the brim of my eyes. I can't be crying right now, I just can't...my mom is right next to me.
"Elliot, why are you crying? Is the movie too sad?" My mom's voice cut through the semi-silence, turning the TV down to just a buzz in my ears. "Sweetie, are you okay? Is everything alright? You know you can tell me, honey." She reached out, combing my jet-black hair back gently with her soft hands.
"I'm okay, mom, no need to worry. Hey, I'm hungry...can we order a pizza?" I asked, voice hoarse since I don't really talk anymore, and because I was just about to cause a flood with my tears.  I mostly only talk to my mom to my mom though, she's the only one who understands me now...at least I hope so.  She gave me a small nod with her sad smile, placing a kiss on my forehead before moving to call the pizza place. I quickly wiped my tears away before staring at the tv. One thing is for certain...my mom doesn't deserve any of this. She's sweet, kind, and pretty. Now since everyone hates me, no one will talk to her most of the time. It breaks my heart more than it already is. My mom did nothing to deserve such treatment from people she once called friends. God they're just a bunch of pretentious, sniveling assholes. Two-faced fuck faces as my mom puts it. I only want the best for her, she deserves the world for all what she had to put up with, and it's a good percentage my fault. Though there is always the gnawing feeling that is majority my fault, that it isn't, that it's only a small bump my fault, and so many other amounts of 'this' and 'that'.
I just want to curl up, get all cozy, and go to sleep. But for now...I'll eat my pizza and drink my soda before bed. It's for my mom, I'm trying so hard for my mom. I'm doing my best of getting out there more, and such, but...it's hard to do when no one can scowl at you in your own room. I glance to my mom when she rejoined me on the couch. I give her a small before moving closer to cuddle up to her. She wraps an arm around me, stroking my hair while whispering under her breath, "My baby, my sweet baby." Small tears brim my eyes, but I blink them away as I hugged onto her. My mom is the best...if I lost her I would surely die. She means everything to me, and she's the only person that loves me. I sigh softly before nuzzling her gently, trying to get her cheap perfume stuck in my nostrils. I look up, and see she's smiling down at me. My mom places a soft kiss on my head before looking back to the TV. A few minutes passed before there was a knock on our door. My mom stood going to get the pizza, paying for it. Next I had a plate with two slices of pizza on it, and my favorite soda to drink with pizza. I smiled and started to eat, staring at the TV, but not really watching it. Everything seems to be going buy so fast, and I can't keep up. I'm starting to forget things easily which is bad. I don't want to forget Kyle, or my mom...I don't want to forget the memories I made with them. What is wrong with me? Why am I like this?
I finish up my pizza, bidding my mom a good night before I head upstairs for bed. My room isn't as cold as the hospital room I once was in, and there isn't that hypnotising dripping sound. Though there is the soft hum of my air conditioner that keeps the room from being mind numbing silent. I slip under my comforter, staring up at the glow in the dark stars me and Kyle put up randomly one night because my mom refused to let us sleep outside. A small laugh emitted from me as I recalled the memory of Kyle huffing and puffing before laughing as my mom called him a big baby. We went to the store and bought those stars, super gluing them so they wouldn't ever fall off. It's the simple reminders that can show his presence here, especially the small scuffs on the walls from when we'd play fight, and our shoes would grind against the wall. I felt a small smile crease my face before a single tear slipped down my cheek. I miss him, so much, nothing is the same now that he's gone. There's no longer his loud laughter in the kitchen as he tries to cook, his soft snickers when I fall, his sweet words when I'm feeling down. Everything is so sickeningly quiet since he's been gone. I absolutely hate it, and I know my mom misses it to. The house use to be so full of life when he was around, and now it's just me and my mom trying to fill the gap. Maybe it's for the best we don't, or maybe not. Maybe it's our way of coping with the loss. Who knows really what it is, probably a last resort to save what was lost. I just want to sleep, but a thousand thoughts and memories keep rewinding in my head. It's so loud even when it's so quiet. I need to find help, or something. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I roll over, bringing the comforter with before closing my eyes. Soon sleep will take me in a warm embrace...perhaps. I'm still wide awake as ever, now just thinking with my eyes closed. I should probably get some melatonin pills or gummies to help me sleep. I don't know, seems a little risky especially with my memories being faded out of existence. I just wish I was the one who died, and not Kyle, maybe things would be different. My mom would have lost one son, and not suffer so much judgement from others. I hear her soft footsteps approaching my door, a minute passed before I hear them retreating to her room, and the soft sound of a closing door. It's all so surreal, I feel like I'm trapped in a constant state of depression, I don't have the energy to do things I like anymore. Just enough for school work, and of course my chores. I'm really starting to think this life isn't for me anymore. Fall asleep at the ass crack of dawn, wake up, do school work, eat, chores, then rinse and repeat. It's getting so dull, and I can't really go have fun. Who goes to the arcade alone? Yeah, no one, and I'm not about to be the first person to start it up. I don't have anymore friends, kyle was my only one really. The other kids my age absolutely loathe me. As I said before, I'm the town's nobody who lived. Soon I hear the faint bellowing of a train horn, and it riding the tracks near the town. A single thought strikes me as I lay there in bed, mulling over my options. What if I become a stow-away on the train, and go wherever it takes me. Like in those movies where the main character hops onto a train to feel alive, or something. I don't know, I rarely watch movies, and when I do, I don't pay attention. I mostly use movies as a background noise in order to think straight while working on something, now it's so my thoughts aren't so loud. Though that thought of running away comes back as the train fades out. What if I were to do that? Would it fill in this empty void in my stomach, or make the people in town happier? I'm so torn on what I should be doing instead of actually doing something. I hear one last bellowing of the train before it completely disappears. Maybe that's what I should do, pack my things and leave this forsaken town. I don't have a lot of money, but it can get me by for a while. Once it runs out I'll probably come back. Yeah that's what I should do. Leave for a while then come back. Maybe that's what it'll take to get the town to forgive me, or help them heal some more from the loss of the town's golden child. Who knows, maybe when I come back I'll feel better, and they would too. My thoughts start to become hazy as I slowly drift off to sleep, but a thought still lingers as clear as day. I should run away on the train.