'Di Madama

• Last Chapter (Part Two) •

Nang makita ko siyang mahimbing na ang tulog, dahan-dahan akong umalis sa tabihan niya at nagbihis. And like always, everytime after he touched me, kissed me and did things to my body, I head to the club to have sex with somebody else.

To wash away his sins.

To wash away the disgust, the loathe that I feel about myself.

To wash away every fucking thing that would make me remember that I let him touch me again.

Noong una, nagalit siya, pero nagawaan ko ng palusot. Sabi ko ginagawa ko lang 'yon para hindi magduda ang mga tao na nilalapitan niya pa ako. Na sinasaktan niya pa rin ako. Na binababoy niya pa rin ako. At hindi ko alam na ganoon pala siya katanga para maniwala.

Before, I was the one who wanted to give names to the students at our university, now I was the one who had different names.

I was the one being named.

They call me the fuck girl from BS Biology to the point that most people already forgot that I even had a name.

Napagod na rin ako magalit. Napagod na rin ako na ipagtanggol ang sarili ko, kasi tama naman sila. Ako lang 'yung babaeng ikinakama. Ako 'yung babaeng malandi lang. Pang-sex lang. Pangtanggal lang ng libog nila.

"The famous Ms. BS Bio, the fuck girl," sabi ng lalaking kasama ko ngayon sa kama at makaka-sex ko ngayong gabi.

They never even try to know my name.

They never even try to know me.

The only difference with spending the night with RR and all these other men, is that they had my consent while RR didn't. Everytime he wants to have sex with me, he just... does whatever he wants to do with me. Never asking if I wanted it. If I'm still comfortable with it.

I started believing that men are really fucking trash.

But I also told myself that I'm no different from them. I'm also trash, I let someone like RR manipulate me. I still have sex with someone who raped me. I'm still with someone who abused me. I still let someone who hurt me touch me.

And I wasn't ready to get blamed again.

I wasn't ready to own all the fault again.

I wasn't ready to answer all the questions.

Why didn't you just leave? Why didn't you ask for help?

But shouldn't the question be: why were men abusive in the first place?

Why were men trash?

Why were men manipulative?

I want to answer them that it's not easy being in my situation. It's not easy being in danger and getting scared everyday for your life and the life of the people around you.

It's not easy being me. Akala ba talaga ng mga tao gustong masaktan ng mga inaabuso? Akala ba nila masarap sa pakiramdam? Akala ba nila hindi namin ginagawa ang lahat nang makakaya namin? Akala ba nila ginusto namin 'to?

Kung oo, putangina nila. Wala na rin silang pinagkaiba sa mga nang-aabuso. Sa mga nananakit. Sa mga masasamang tao. Wala silang pinagkaiba sa may kasalanan kung mas naniniwala sila na kasalanan pa rin ng nasaktan.

Nakakatawa ngang isipin na gusto kong kaawaan ng tao. Mas gusto ko 'yon kaysa sa masasakit na salita na araw-araw nilang ibinabato sa akin. Mas gusto ko ng awa.

"Sex on the beach," sabi ko sa bartender. Nandito ako ngayon sa Spiral. I want to call myself lucky since it's hell week for the golden boy of college of medicine. Wala siyang ibang choice kung hindi magfocus muna sa pag-aaral ngayon or otherwise, madidisappoint niya ang tatay niyang senador na corrupt.