'Di Madama

• Last Chapter (Part Two) •

Bakit ba pilit niya pang inaalam lahat?

"I lied about myself. I fucking lied! Isn't that enough reason for you to leave me? To not want me anymore?"

"No... because maybe you had a reason-"

"I don't!" I said.

"You know what sucks the most, Anya?" he asked. Ngayon ko lang nakita na nalulungkot siya. "It's the fact that I'd believe you in a heartbeat. I'd believe whatever your reason is. Even if there's a new scandal. Even if I already saw you doing it with him, I'd still believe you..." sabi niya at tuluyan na siyang umiyak.

Umiling ako. "No, n-no..." sabi ko.

Ayoko siyang makitang umiiyak. Ayoko siyang makitang nasasaktan nang ganito, kasi alam kong magiging mahina ako at babalikan ko siya. Gugustuhin kong kami na lang ulit. At hindi pwede. Hindi pwedeng mapahamak ang buhay niya nang dahil lang sa akin. Nang dahil lang nagkamali ako ng lalaking minahal noon.

"R-Rean, please?" hirap na sabi ko. "It's better this way..."

"How can you just push me away like this? How can you be okay with this? And how can you treat me like I'm no one?" he asked. "Shouldn't you be the one apologizing to me? Trying to justify yourself to me? Not the other way round..." he frustratedly said.

"This is better," I said again. "For you not to love me anymore. For you not to want me anymore. For you not to feel anything for me anymore."

Tinalikuran ko na siya dahil hindi ko na siya kayang makitang nasasaktan pa.

"And maybe you're right, Anya..."

Tumigil ako sa paglakad pero hindi ko siya nilingon.

"You're just like my ex."

And with that tears started falling. Naglakad lang ako hanggang sa makalayo ako sa kanya. Ni hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta, ang alam ko lang hindi ko na dapat siya makita.

Hindi ko na dapat siya madama.

Kasi 'yun ang mas makabubuti para sa aming dalawa.

'Yun ang tama.

Ang maging ligtas siya.

He will always be my safe person. I'd always prioritize his safety over mine. I'd always want him to be safe and okay.

Umuwi ako sa bahay.

Even the house doesn't feel safe anymore.

He ruined every fucking thing that felt safe to me.

He ruined it all.

I screamed so loud that I almost couldn't hear myself, until I felt the tears flowing down on my face.

Hanggang kailan?

Hanggang kailan?!

Napatingin ako sa portrait ng Lolo at Lola ko. I can't believe I let him assault and rape me in his home. In one of the most precious things he left for me.

"Y-you told me I'd find a love like yours and my grandmother someday... but why is my life like this?" I asked him.

"Do I really have to go through all of these bullshits just to find a love like yours?"

If yes... then I don't want it anymore.

* * *

"N-no," iling ko.

Akala ko masama lang ang pakiramdam ko dahil sa mga pinagdaanan ko noong mga nakaraang linggo.

Pero nang magsimula na ako magsuka, 'tsaka ko naisip na baka nga buntis ako. And now that I finally had the courage to know the truth, I'm scared that it's true. That I already have a life inside me. That I'm going to have a baby.