Beyond The Screen (J.JK x M.SN)

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(JK POV)

I had nightmares. At least, that's what I thought they were. Every one was the same, but with a different ending.

The sequence of the car accident kept playing in my head over and over again. The green light. The rain. The sounds. The feelings. In my nightmares, there would be different outcomes. One of the worst ones involved me dying, but I could still see Sana screaming my name and crying. In a different one, we got out of the wreck, but Sana died in my arms. Why am I doing this to myself?

I just want this to stop.

I'm too afraid to drive anymore. I haven't driven since the accident. I'm even scared riding in cars. I know I'll never be able to avoid car rides so I'm trying to get over that fear.

Eventually, I wasn't so nervous about cars, but the nightmares kept happening. I would wake myself up in the middle of the night, crying. I usually don't remember my dreams, but I remembered every single one of these nightmares.

I have trouble sleeping alone. I can fall asleep okay when I have Sana next to me, because she's there and I know she's okay. I worry about her whenever we're not together. She knows I'm anxious and that makes her worry. I'm sorry. I'm trying to stop, but it's hard.

It was worse when we weren't allowed to see each other. Luckily things have gotten better since then.

But when I sleep alone, my head messes with me. As I try to fall asleep, it's like I could hear her voice. I could hear her calling my name. I wanted to get out of bed and find her, wherever the sound came from, but I told myself it wasn't real. It was just my mind messing with me. She's fine. She's okay.

Now whenever I see her, I feel so relieved. It doesn't matter if we just saw each other a few hours ago. I was relieved. A lot can happen in a few hours.

The nightmares and the voices were making me lose so much sleep. I felt bad because I knew I would startle Sana and wake her up too sometimes, so I got help. I started going to therapy.

I had PTSD.

Post-traumatic stress disorder.

They told me I was so scared of losing her because I loved her so much. That was a good thing, but I had to learn how to be brave again.

They told me my fears were rational, but so were many other things. It really put things into perspective for me.

Someone dies in a car accident every few seconds.

But someone also dies from choking or suffocating every few seconds too.

Why am I scared of driving, but not eating, when they both have their risks...?

I was able to get behind the wheel again and drive places, but I was still afraid. I would flinch at the subtlest things.

Sana has helped me so much. Just being with her makes me feel better. I feel good, as long as I know she's safe. She experienced the effects of the accident too, but she wasn't like me.

I felt responsible.

She knew I blamed myself.

"You did everything you could have." She told me.

"But now I can't do anything. I can't even fall asleep for more than an hour at a time." I was emotional that day, "What am I going to do..?"

"You'll figure it out. You always do. Everything's going to be okay."

I heard her voice and recalled her words whenever I was scared.

If I had a nightmare when we were sleeping next to each other, I would cuddle up close to her, being completely silent so I could hear my heartbeat and hear her breathing. I had to assure myself that the nightmare was just a nightmare and we were both still alive. My heart would stop racing and then I'd calm down again.

Sana knew I worried so we kept in touch as much as possible when we were away from each other. She would send me photos and voice messages and videos just to make me feel better. I never asked her to; she just had a feeling when I needed them.

I'm getting better, it just takes time. I know I shouldn't be scared and I shouldn't be worrying so much, but the trauma keeps making me think otherwise.

I put on a smile when I went back to work, but I was exhausted. I couldn't sleep and we were busier than ever. Sana was busy too so that meant we'd be seeing each other less.

I had to find ways to make myself comfortable and get myself to sleep on my own.

I had lost a lot of weight. I was too tired to eat some days. It was noticeable and fans started to worry. Again, some of them would blame her and then I would end up blaming myself again. I tried my best to shake off those toxic, intrusive thoughts.

Every time I see Sana, I kiss her like it's the last time. I hate the reality of thinking it could be the last time, but if it was, I wasn't going to let it go like that.

I never told her about this thought. This was the one thought that the therapist couldn't help get out of my head; because it was too real. They just couldn't convince me.

Even if I'm never going to be able to think the same ever again, I didn't let them stop me from loving Sana unconditionally. After the accident, I loved her harder. She was my world and I had to make sure she knew that.