Forgetting the Apocalypse

11. I'm Not Looking For Pity

"Mara, I didn't mean any harm, I'm sorry. None of us have to talk anymore if you don't want to." I had stopped walking and used my arm to cover my face. The tears won't stop and I can't even look at Riva knowing how guilty I feel for acting like a total bitch and making him feel bad. It sounded like he was close to tears himself. I know I have to apologize but I need to pull myself from this mental breakdown I'm having.

The next thing I know, I'm being embraced by someone. At first I thought it might've been Riva, his way of saying sorry again. Even Fredi. But no, it was the last person I thought it would be. It was Roone. "You want to talk about it, then we're here to listen. If not, then that's ok too." His voice was calm and soothing. It got me to stop crying and take slower breaths. I don't know why but I clung to him a little while longer. His arms were still around me and his left hand was rubbing small circles on my back but it didn't feel like I was being smothered. Instead, it made me feel safe like he was the handle that I grabbed in the car to help me free my leg. 

Finally, when I was sure that I could form complete sentences and not have snot coming out of my nose, I decided that now's the best time to explain everything. I can't let them be in the dark anymore.

"First off, I want to say that I'm so sorry for snapping and probably freaking you guys out. Truth is, I don't remember anything. My first memory I have is me waking up in a car that was flipped over. If it wasn't for a wallet and the mirror from the truck that hit me, I wouldn't even know my own name. So I don't know what my favorite movies are, what my favorite food is or how good lasagna was that it made your friend Garfield go crazy over it. I thought that I had gotten over it, and for a while I was. I had no reason to keep thinking about it. But then I met you guys. So when you started asking me these questions, not for one second am I blaming you Riva, it just ugh I don't know how to explain it. It made me feel guilty like maybe I should've tried harder to remember."

When I'm done, I felt the air rush into my lungs.

For the longest time there's nothing but silence. Forcing myself to look in their eyes I see what looks like despair and sadness. The three of them now looked to be on the brink of tears. I don't want them feeling sorry for me. I didn't tell them for that. It's not their fault and they can't do anything to fix it. I try to break the silence once more.

"The first week I managed to find the house that I used to live in but other than a few clothes there was nothing that helped or was of use to me. No pictures or memories that came back." That part I think hurts the most. Just as much as it did when I first saw my old house. I can't believe I had no pictures of any kind.

"Damn girl, I didn't think you could get anymore badass!" Riva exclaims.

We all look at him like he just sprouted an extra head. Also, I guess we're just completely ignoring the fact that were speaking clearly and kinda loudly, no longer whispering. His sad teary look was nowhere to be seen as well.

"What? I'm just stating the obvious," he tries to defend himself, "baby girl half the world died because they couldn't handle what was right in front of them. And they had weeks of warning in advance. Hell, we had years of warnings since the way zombie culture has actually been around for centuries. You? You were thrown right into a pit of wolves like a new born calf and managed to stay alive this long. Not to mention that you have your instincts helping you out. Which if I'm being honest, makes me think that some of your memory has returned. Just not the one you think it expected."

I'm confused. I would know if I remembered something, wouldn't I?

"What do you mean? I told you the earliest memory I have is waking up in the car." It's true. I woke up because moved and the pain caused my eyes to open.

He chuckles a bit, as if not believing me. "Baby girl, there are different types of memory. Just like there are different types of senses. I told you before. You are damn skilled with your bow, guns and knives that I thought you were a hunter like Roone and I. You don't become good like that overnight, even if you have been practicing since you woke up. Especially not by reading it in a few books. So that means procedural memory or as most call it, muscle memory. Your hands and instincts already knew what they were doing even if you didn't."

His statement leaves me speechless.

I recall the first time I picked up the weapons. They felt good and comfortable. I already knew where the safety was and how to reload them. Granted for other things I had the books, but it wasn't much of a struggle for me to adapt at hunting. At first I thought it was because I had no choice. But a lot of us didn't have a choice, and yet it seems like there's more of them than us.

I guess he's right, some of my memory did come back. Though I am curious, if that's the memory I have, what exactly am I missing? I didn't have to ask, I guess my face said it all.

"Humans have basically three types of memory. The first is the semantic memory, basically it's general knowledge. That can include language and facts. Yours does seem to be intact because you speak english very fluently and can read. The next is the procedural aka the muscle memory. This is in my opinion the strongest of memories because you have created neural pathways by repeating actions or skills over and over."

Riva has the three of us captivated. Even his brother Roone who I kinda thought would have heard it from his brother before but I guess not.

"The one that seems to be damaged by the incident seems to be your episodic memory. Unfortunately that means any experience you've ever had. I mean things like conversations, people in your life, movies, places you've traveled everything and even your own name. Which is pretty damn awesome that you were able to find your bag and I.D. otherwise.."

He didn't have to finish that bit. Truly, if it wasn't for my I.D. then I probably still wouldn't know my own name. I never would've even found my former home.

"I'm sorry for asking you so many questions and making you feel guilty. Also for not realizing how uncomfortable I was making you. I'm usually really good at spotting that kind of stuff. Mara?" I was staring at the ground but when he says my name, I let go of Roone. I didn't even know I was still holding onto him.

Ignoring that for now, I go over to Riva so I can pull him into a hug.

"Thank you and please don't say sorry. You put a lot of things into perspective for me. I don't think that I would've ever realized that without you."

I meant it too. If it wasn't for him, then I would've kept burying it and saying how it didn't bother me. I needed that little break down.

"I'm glad I could help somewhat. Oh, and Garfield is this orange cat that started off as a newspaper comic and turned into a cartoon then into a movie, not a friend even though Roone did have a stuffed plushie of him until he was thirteen. He's most famous for his sarcasm and his love lasagna." He says.

My eyes nearly pops out of my head at what he just said.

"Yeah that didn't help at all and just raised a hell of a lot more questions. Like who gives a cat lasagna? Wouldn't that be unhealthy? And how can he be sarcastic, cats don't talk. Right?" I ask.

They all laugh. I was being serious.

After our scene of drama and trauma, mainly mine, we start walking again. There were a few freshies ahead that had picked up our scent. Granted our noise probably had something to do with it as well. It was still dark enough to slip past them if we put on some of the blood that Roone had stored in a jar.

As we continued on through the night my mind kept going. I no longer saw things as simply no trying to die. Also as much as my is ego writhing in pain, maybe Roone wasn't all that bad. Sure he'll probably still glare at me but he was the first to comfort me. So I'll try not to "annoy" him too much. But I can't be going soft either.