Fly free again

Chapter 5

Lan Wangji's heart almost stopped when he saw his husband falter on the sword, lose his balance and fall down. He had in no way been high enough to actually hurt himself while falling, but it was still a great shock to the Second Jade. Lan Wangji had been hopeful when Wei Ying had not been looking too stressed out when he had mounted his sword, not in the same way as he had been after his nightmares anyway. Now however, he knew that it had been just a show for the juniors and that Wei Ying was in no way alright.

He immediately sprang into action and caught his husband before he could hit the ground. He was startled and his worries spiked when Wei Ying clung to him as if his life depended on it, his breathing irregular and his qi all over the place. He was clearly beyond himself. His eyes were wide open but it seemed they could not see the present. To snap Wei Ying from whatever he was seeing, Lan Wangji gently whispered into his eyes: "Wei Ying, I got you."

He all but ignored the juniors' worried gazes and questions and headed towards the Jingshi. There, he laid his husband on the bed and joined him as Wei Ying was still not letting go of his robes, although he looked at least a little bit calmer now. Lan Wangji started humming WangXian and felt the other relax further.

It took a long time before Wei Ying finally looked at him, his irises still dilated but at least he was registering the reality again.

"Sorry, Lan Zhan, I did not want to worry you or the children," he apologized and then added with an awkward laugh, "but I guess I did that anyway."

Lan Wangji did not react to his husband's words verbally, he only kissed his forehead and continued humming their special song. Wei Ying snuggled closer to him again and continued taking deep breaths. His pulse was back to normal now, it seemed that they were passed the worst.

Lan Wangji was angry at himself. He should not have pressured his husband this much, he had clearly seen that he had been distressed the whole night before the lesson and even during it. He should have prodded more first and asked him what was wrong. Forcing this was evidently not working. He already had a suspicion as to why Wei Ying would not fly on a sword, alone or with him, he had just been praying that it was not correct.

Another few minutes passed in a comfortable silence, nothing but their breaths and the soft notes of WangXian could be heard. Wei Ying gradually let go of Lan Wangji's robes but did not make any move to actually unglue himself from his husband's side. The Second Jade was hugging him lightly around his waist, caressing his lower back soothingly. He was waiting for Wei Ying to take the first step and pull away.

Nothing like that happened, quite the opposite really when his husband pushed his face even closer to his chest and started talking, his voice so quiet it was barely audible: "Lan Zhan, I should have probably told you this much earlier. I just did not want you to see me as a coward. What have I been thinking, you had seen so many of my weaknesses already, I should not have been thinking like this.

You know, I really cannot stand heights, and flying on a sword, that is even worse. It had not been this bad in the beginning, but now, I really cannot bear it. I had tried, I did, to no avail. I had thought it would get better overtime and I would be able to forget Wen Chao throwing me in the Burial Mounds. I cannot. Every time I get on a sword, I start thinking that he is taking me there and I can barely breathe. And when I look down from a high place, I always imagine myself falling and then being caught by the Burial Mounds' resentment.

It is pathetic, I know. Wen Chao is not even alive, had not been for decades, it was me who had killed him. And yet... My brain just kind of goes high wire every time I remember and I cannot stop it. I can still see it, feel it, in my nightmares. Falling. I am so afraid of falling down again, of not having any choice but to pick up demonic cultivation, of being trapped. It is completely irrational..."

Lan Wangji did not interrupt his husband's rumbling, he knew that since Wei Ying had decided to tell him this, he needed to listen. That did not however prevent him from hugging his husband a little closer to his chest and having a distinct urge to kill the man who had long been gone once again, just to get his hand on him himself. He had already heard from his husband about what Wen Chao had done to him and his family, many stories except this particular piece of information.

When Wei Ying finished and his voice trailed into silence, Lan Wangji said, his voice serious but soft: "Not irrational. Fear is real. I should have noticed earlier. I should not have forced you like this."

He reached down and kissed the top of the head which was still trying to merge with his chest. When Wei Ying lifted his face to look at him, a slight reprimand in his eyes, he kissed his forehead as well.

"Lan Zhan, do not speak like that. It was not your fault; you did not know because I had never told you. You did not force me to do anything. I just... I just did not want to disappoint the juniors, and you. I had really thought that I would be able to do it this time, with all of you there. Apparently I had been wrong. I..."

Lan Wangji did not want to hear any self-depreciating words from his husband, not now, not ever. They had been through this multiple times already and Wei Ying, despite all his reassurances and support, still thought of himself as undeserving. He always had a strong urge to not disappoint others, even at the expense of his own wishes and happiness. So the Second Jade reached out once again and stopped his tirade with a long, tender kiss.

He kept the contact until they both felt breathless and he was sure that all the negative thoughts had left his husband's head. When he pulled back, Wei Ying looked at him and he reminded him gently: "No one can talk badly about Wei Ying. Not even Wei Ying himself."

After a surprised look which only lasted a brief second, he was rewarded by a watery smile. It looked like his husband was not about to argue with him over this one, at least not know. Wei Ying tilted his head backwards and this time, it was him who initiated another long a kiss, one that started as a chaste treasure but then developed into something much more passionate.

When they separated again, both gasping for breath, Wei Ying grinned at him. This time, it was his usual smile, it even reached his eyes and Lan Wangji was very glad for that.

"I should really work on this one, hm?" he asked a bit teasingly, but his eyes were serious. It took Lan Wangji a while to understand that he was not talking about kissing but about his fear of heights and flying.

He tightened his embrace again and promised: "Not alone, I will help."

Wei Ying kissed him, just a short peck on the lips, that was all, and grinned at him again: "Of course, what would I do without my husband's help?"