Suicidal Ideation『Depressed Todoroki』

#10 | Maybe We All Get Lost Sometimes

His eyes widened.

He hadn't meant to say that. But he had been bottling up these emotions for a week, it was bound to burst at some point. Except he hadn't meant to take it out on his classmates. It wasn't their fault, and he knew that. For some reason, he was just so angry. At himself. At the world. But there was something else. Not just anger. Maybe sadness, grief, or even pain. He didn't know, but he knew it wasn't the 'positive' Kaminari emotion everyone knows and loves.

"I'm going to bed."

Kaminari walked into the elevator, sparing one more glance at his friend's shocked faces.

"Well, that was..." Shinsou started.

"Weird" Jirou finished.

『✰❦✰』

Kaminari slammed the door to his dorm shut, sliding down against the wall.

Why was he feeling like this?

He hadn't been particularly close to Shouto, but they held some conversations.

Something was eating him up from the inside. Because it was his job.

His job to cheer up his classmates.

The 'class clown'. The person who brings joy to everyone. He tells anyone that if they need someone, to talk to or even to just spend time together, to come anytime. That he's always there, ready to help. But he couldn't help Shouto.

It was destroying him.

But it was his fault still.

He could've tried harder, tried to get Shouto to open up. Or could've spent more time together, learning about each other.

But he didn't.

He didn't try, and he didn't notice.

Didn't notice his classmate's suffering. Didn't notice his classmate hurting himself.

And it wasn't only him who didn't notice. No one did. Shouto had been harming himself, in the dorms, no one noticed. No one noticed when he winced if he moved his arm the wrong way, or if someone made any kind of contact, he'd flinch.

It's not like he blamed his classmates. How could he? He didn't see it either.

He'd been useless.

An idiot. Just like everyone says he is.

As Kaminari went down a road of self-deprecating thoughts, a knock on the door sounded.

"Denki?"

"Yeah?" Kaminari sniffed.

"Can I come in?"

Kaminari moved away from the door.

"Yeah."

The door opened, revealing a head of purple hair.

[ They are not dating, I just headcanon them as best friends (I guess it's pretty canon as well, but still), and so they call each other by their first names <3 ]

Shinsou came over and sat beside Kaminari.

"How're you feeling?"

Kaminari groaned.

"Amazing." He replied sarcastically.

They sat in silence, Kaminari staring at nothing in particular.

"What're you thinking?"

Kaminari didn't reply.

"Denki."