All my life (Bucky Barnes x reader)

Lies

"Yes it is!" Steve yells.

"No it's not! You guys hate Loki! You don't see him the way I do. But it doesn't matter anymore. None of it."

"Why doesn't it matter?"

"Because it didn't mean the same thing for him as it did for me!!" I yell as the tears start falling. "It was just sex to him. I don't know why I thought it could be more. Love doesn't work out for me." I say quietly. Sitting on the edge of my bed.

"I think I should leave." Tony says. Steve nods at him as he walks out.

"I miss him Steve. I miss Bucky everyday. So bad I can't breathe. And I was beginning to be happy with Loki. But it's all ruined now." Steve pulls me into his arms as I cry.

"I'm sorry I yelled." He says.

"It's fine."

"What can I do?" He asks.

"Nothing. I don't know how to feel Steve. I feel guilty. Guilty that I started falling for another guy. And he doesn't even feel the same way. And I'm angry for letting myself believe I could have happiness. And sad because I miss Bucky. I miss him with every cell in my body and I feel like I'm dying."

"I know" Steve gives me a kiss on the forehead.

"I found a way to subconsciously move on. I was able to forget about it. But after what happened the other day with Loki it all came rushing back and I don't know how to move on again."

"You can't. Once you find someone that you are so in love with that you feel like you're dying when you lose them, there is no getting over it or moving on. The pain doesn't go away. But over time you come to peace with it and you learn how to live with it." Steve says.

"I don't think I can. After you died or froze, I pushed myself so far into work that I didn't have time to think about it. And then when hydra got me I had to push Bucky out of my mind. If they knew what I cared about they would have used it against me. This is the first time I've actually been able to think about it all."

"You're strong enough to get through this. You have me and you have the team. You're their family now too. And you'll always be my little sister."

"I'm sorry about Peggy Steve."

"I know. But I like to believe she is in a better place. If anyone deserved to be up there it's her." He smiles thinking about her.

"I love you" I say looking up at him.

"I love you too." He gets up and smiles at me before walking out of the room. "Come out when you're ready." He yells on his way out.

He's right. I need to continue on. I get up and walk out of my room. Bumping into Wanda on the way. I look at her to see she is crying.

"Wanda? What happened?"

"Have you turned on the news?"

"No?" She pulls me into her room to show me the news.

"I lost control. I killed people. It's all my fault."

"No no it's not. Wanda it's okay. We will figure this out." I hug her as I listen to the news anchor talk about the avengers being a danger. I grab the remote and turn the tv off.

"I'm so sorry" she says.

"I know. It's okay." I shush her. Vision comes through the wall.

"I'll go. Let you two talk" I say getting up and walking out.

I go to the living room to find the team sitting on the coach talking. When they spot me they instantly shut up.

"Um I'm sorry am I interrupting?"

"No no Come on in y/n. Take a seat." Nat pats the seat next to her.

"Actually has anyone seen Loki?" I ask. Steve looks at me concerned.

"He's in his room." Steve says. He nods at me reassuringly.

"I'll see y'all at dinner. You can go back to your top secret conversation now." I say walking out. I go back upstairs using the elevator and walk to Loki's door. I go to knock but something stops me.

What am I doing?

I go to walk away but he opens his door.

"Ferox? Are you alright?" He asks me.

"Don't call me that right now. Can I come in?"

"Of course." He opens the door wider, allowing me to pass by him into his room. He closes the door behind me.

"Loki I know you said it was just sex but I need to know how you really feel. Because I feel like I'm falling for you. But what you said in the lab the other day about what else this would be besides sex, it hurt. Because now I'm confused. I thought something was happening. I thought maybe you felt the same way I did." I look up at him as I speak.

"I don't have feelings for you. If that is what you are asking." He says.

And just like that another slap in the face.

"Seriously? Months. Months Loki!!!! We did this for that long and you didn't think once to tell me you didn't want to take it any further." I raise my voice at him.

"I don't love. Love is weakness. Love is vulnerability. It takes your power and it gives someone else the chance to use it against you." He speaks calmly.

"POWER!! This is about fucking power Loki? If that really is true then you aren't who you used to be. You're not the child who took me out to the gardens to show me the new magic trick you learned, or stayed with me in the library and listened to me ramble on about Midgard. Or learned Latin with me and gave me that nickname. And you are not the man I was falling for." I yell at him.

Once I finish my statement I turn around and walk to the door.

"No more Loki. Whatever this was is done. And don't ever call me Ferox again. That was a nickname my best friend called me. And obviously he's not here anymore." I say before slamming the door. I go to the elevator and down to ground level. I am already in leggings and a tank top so I might as well go for a run to clear my head.

I run to the city park and take a seat on the bench for a break. I pull out my phone to make sure no one called me about a mission. Steve had left several texts asking where I was and what happened since he saw me storm out. I had a few from Tony also but I didn't feel like talking. I'm about to put my phone away when I see something in the reflection. Someone is behind me.

I stand up and turn around but before I see anything something hits me in the back of the head and everything goes black.