OBSIDIAN ISSUE #2 : WOUNDED

THIRTY EIGHT

I stared at the phone stock-still, rendered of words from my daughter's message. Tila muling pinunit ang dibdib ko para iluwa ang nanghihinang puso. Sa mga segundong ito ay nasisigurado ko nang tama ang pinili kong desisiyon hindi lamang para sa aking sarili. What I've been trying to focus my mind on for the past years seem to reduced to being a waste of time now that I realize that my heartbreak and long drawn grief has never been healthy more so to my children whose emotional well-being are at stake!

Lagi akong nangangapa ng kakampi para sa aking paniniwala, pero sino ang nandiyan para dumamay sa mga anak ko? Yes, there was Mama, Tito Evrard and Quentin, but who my children should be in need of the most is their mother! Me.

And I admit to have failed in that part. This is why starting today, in my full consent, I should allow myself to heal... little by little.

"Every Saturday night, Mommy always asked us what are we most grateful for for the whole week and I always thank the both of you for giving me a pretty face.  Mommy laughs at me and said, No, sweetie, God gave that pretty face to you. I said no, 'cause I don't look like God. I look half-Mommy and half you, Dad.  And-- " Dorcas gasped. "Mommy's here. I 'll call again, Dad. Love you!"

Beep.

Napasinghap ako, hinahagap pa sa isip ang alingawngaw ng huling voicemail gawa ng anak ko. The rest got deleted but I knew it in my mind the number of calls I made which equalled to a thousand voicemails in seven years....

Seven years. Hindi ko man lang namalayan na lumipas na pala. Sa pagiging abala ko sa mga bata at sunod sunod na photo shoots mula Manila at sa ibang panig ng mundo, nawaglit sa isip ko ang pagbibilang sa mga araw at taon.

Instead of the years that has passed, I looked forward at the project deadlines and our kids' schedules for their summer class.

Napabuntong hininga muli ako, tinititigan ang lumang cellphone. It's been a long while since I left a voicemail. Not a single one was returned.

Hindi na rin naman ako umasa pero... sa huling pagkakataon....

I pressed a default key for his old number. It still rings, my heart leapt for that overused but simple possibility. Fixed gaze on the same cream walls of my room at each ticking seconds of listening to the endless ringing on the other line. My every breath morphed into hope that in any second, the dire waiting will be ended by the sound of his hello.

But then, it's the same automated voice all over again telling me to leave a message. I could literally hear the whole weight of loaded void sinking into my gut.

"Hi..." I chuckled after a minute long hesitation."It's been a crazy year. I'm barely aware of the last time I tried to reach you. I... " Huminga ako nang malalim. Hinahaplos ang nanghahapding dibdib. "Alam mo na rin naman siguro ang nangyari. Did you scare the shit out of the Silvestres? Were you in a hunt for their dark souls? Funny when I tried to be a better person but I still rejoice at my every sight of their fears. The way they suffer the horrors of their own crimes, satiates the hunger of my vengeance. Ikaw na ang bahala sa kanila tutal sa 'yo sila may atraso. I can only yearn for the worst, triple the suffering they have inflicted on you."

I paused, I could hardly bear the palpable ache in my chest. Mabagal ang paghinga ko taliwas sa mabilis na dagundong ng aking puso habang dinadama ang unti-unting pagtahan ng hapdi at poot para palitan lang muli ng nakakasakal na pangungulila. 

"What more can I say? Hmm... yeah. This would be my last call. My plans after? I'm going to take care of our kids, spend time with them, love them better and... try to love myself more. I'm also going back to therapy. Actually I have an appointment later in the afternoon." I chuckled. "There's really no need to tell you this, right? 'Di ba babanatayan mo naman ako? Kami? You're watching, I just don't know if it's from above or below. But wherever you are, my love, I miss you always. But ... this will be the last time. And I'm looking forward for that one day... One day, Angelov. I will meet you again soon. In another life. Wait for me...."