Stepping Away

Chapter 8

Fleix's heart sinks, even Seojun quirks his eyebrow with unease.

"Let's all get some sleep, I'll take care of it." Hyunki pats Felix's head and pushes them to stand up. Felix shuffles into his room and falls onto his bed in a heap, Hoshi and Jiho end up crawling into Hyunki's bed while Hyunki lays down next to Felix and holds him to help with his shaking.

Slowly, Felix's mind sorts through his memories and thoughts until they resemble the relative timeline of that night. Chan did like Felix, he liked him enough to want to kiss him for seemingly endless minutes and moments of bliss. When they had touched and touched and touched it had felt as if those moments would never end.

But it had ended, and those moments had been cut off with the realization that Chan had never understood why Felix had left. Chan would have let Felix continue to drown if he had stayed at JYP, constantly fighting to be something he couldn't.

Felix holds one of Hyunki's hands that is wrapped around his middle, the rough pads of his fingers a stark contrast to his own soft hands. He threads their fingers together and remembers how he had done the same with Chan not hours before. Despite everything he still wants to hold Chan's hands, and it makes his thoughts all the more confusing.

Felix shouldn't want to be close to him, yet his mind still replays their kisses over and over again. He pictures the hands that traveled the expanse of his chest and snuck under his shirt to fit perfectly into the curve of his waist. Felix had gasped when Chan's cold hands had touched him, they had sent chilled shivers down his back and up his spine again until Felix had to hide his face beneath the collar of his coat.

Covering his face in his pillow, Felix tries to get a hold on his thoughts again and put away those memories. He feels his face flush again. It isn't fair to have such perfect moments tainted by his own troubled past. Maybe Felix had ruined their friendship by kissing Chan, and this was really all just his fault.

It was always his fault.

Chan POV

Chan had gone home angry. After being left in the park he had kicked the camphor tree they had sat under and walked home in a whirlwind of rage. He didn't stop, not for anyone or anything. As he passed Seungmin reading in the living room he brushed off his questions and slammed the door of his bedroom. Luckily it was empty, and as he climbed up into the top bunk he threw over his blanket and hid in a bundle of irritation.

He didn't know why he was angry, but his thoughts were too jumbled up to think straight. His mind flashed the memory of Felix looking down at him, his eyes looking utterly broken. He remembered the tears that fell down his cheeks and the shaking of his small hands that stuck out from his coat. The last words that he had heard had made his mind short circuit until now.

'Maybe I should have stayed away.'

No no no. He hadn't been able to call out to him, the name 'Felix' was to recognisable in a city like Seoul. He couldn't draw attention to himself or his friend.

Friend. Were they still friends? Could Chan text Felix and tell him he didn't mean it? That he takes it all back? Would that fix this mess and bring him back?

He didn't understand why Felix had been so upset, couldn't understand how he had messed up enough to ruin such a perfect night. Felix said he left for the good of both of them, but Chan felt as if he had been suffering when he didn't know where Felix was. The younger idols words still echoed through his head.

'I was never coming back to Stray Kids.'

Chan had thought that Felix could have joined the team again like Minho. Maybe in another mission during the survival show he could have been brought back and the judges could see how much potential he had.