Fist Bump

Chapter 4

So it's been two years. Yeah...A Full two years have passed. Even I can't believe that I have managed to hide this for two years. The secret is just one mantra – 'if you have to fool others, fool yourself first. If you have to convince others, convince yourself first. If you have to make others believe, believe in it yourself first'.

So, Gauri Rai Chaudhari has been dead for over two years. Now there is only Jai Varma left. And Jai is a boy.

At first, I used to flinch at the sight of naked torsos of boys. If I used to get a glimpse of a penis inside a bathroom, then I used to look away and behave weirdly. But now, I can walk in on any half-naked guy, or full naked guy, and stand inside the boys' bathroom and talk with them for hours, even watching them peeing. I mean, the trick is to just convince yourself that it is not a big deal. It's normal. That I am one of them. That I am a guy.

So I can eat, talk, think and behave like them by now. I have slept with boys in one room, discussed the girls in our class and even watched porn with them.

I WAS one of them.

And except for the monthly periods that came to remind me every month that I am a girl, even I have totally forgotten that I was a girl.

I was peacefully at home here.

When I came out of the bathroom, Veer was standing in the room, shirtless, still drying his hair. He had again left his dirty underwear in the bathroom. I brought the boxer shorts in my hand threw them into the laundry basket. Two years with him had made me totally accustomed to his underwear or his pines or naked chest or whatever. Now more than a glimpse of his dick, the fact that he thought I had a crush on Ayisha freaked me out more. How in the world he could think that I would have a crush on 'his' girl. I have that bro code to keep. I might not be completely a dude. But I am now. And brothers don't hit on brothers' girls. That's the unwritten rule.

I obviously liked Ayisha. But I can't have a crush on her. I am not a lesbian. Well, I am kind of confused about my identity and sexuality lately because of hanging out with guys and pretending to check out girls for the show. But...yeah, I had definitely not felt anything for a girl. For the record, I had not felt anything for a guy either. I had refrained from feeling anything remotely close to a crush for anyone for the past two years. And it's was not that unnatural. I mean, I was in no place to think of a romance. My mind is filled up with my own problems that I don't find interest in things like having a crush. And besides, it's not like I can date a person even if I develop a crush on someone. I am in this situation where I am neither a girl nor a boy.

So yeah, I was flabbergasted when Veer told me his crazy idea of me having a crush on Ayisha. But at first, when he asked me if I am hiding anything from him, I was kind of scared because at first, I thought he found out my secret. I can't even imagine Veer finding that out. I don't want him to find that out ever. Things will be so difficult and awkward after that. I might lose Veer. I never want to lose Veer.

Veer is like family. He was not just my friend. He was my brother.

He was there when I was most lost and sad after my dad's death. Veer filled the gap left by my dad. He totally did. He stayed by me when I needed someone the most. He is there for me all the time. And that's why he means so much. So much. I can never afford to lose Veer.

But I get scared. He still had no idea that I am physically a girl. I was hiding that much big of a secret from him. I don't want him to find it out ever. I wish we can be brothers like this forever.

But I won't be able to stay with him forever. Once we graduate, I don't know where I will be. The separation is inevitable. I can't be with him forever. That's good too. Because then he never has to know my real identity. Though we both might miss each other our whole life. But...I can't do anything about it. It's got to be this way.