Mel sipped her instant excuse-for-a-coffee between typing.
“When was it found?”
“On the 1st of December.”
“Why haven’t we acted on it before now? That was over a month ago!”
“She contacted us to tell us about it, but gave us the wrong phone number and never told us any more. We didn’t know how to get in contact with her.”
“Why did you bring it up now?”
“She sent us photos and it looks suspicious.”
“Where is it? What happened to it?”
“She stored it in the freezer.”
Alien invasion commenced on 1/12/12, Mel typed. Member of the public found body, reported find but couldn’t be contacted. Alien body photographed and stored in freezer for further investigation.
“Why don’t we have the body?”
“We’ve sent one of our staff to retrieve it. He was due there at 7, when the meeting started, so he’ll contact us once he’s identified and secured the specimen.”
The phone rang. Luce hit the speakerphone button.
“Hello? Report.”
“Luce, this is Jez from PR. We have enquiries from all the main media channels, requesting a press conference with you regarding the alien invasion.”
“Ah.”
“The online news sites are already running as story about the invasion. We need to comment as soon as possible.”
CEO to give immediate press conference to prevent panic, Mel typed.
“Set it up for fifteen minutes? I need to go find a tie.” Luce left.
Perhaps five minutes after his departure, the phone rang again. Lili hit the speakphone again, trying to sound as authoritative as Luce. “Hello? Report.”
“Hi, it’s Phil. We have one specimen, but the other one is gone.”
“You’ve lost an alien?”
“No, not entirely. We know where it is. The alien was mistaken for seafood for a New Year’s barbeque and met with an unfortunate accident.”
Mel’s fingers skittered across the keys. Alien corpse bbq’ed and served at New Year’s Eve party.
“What happened?”
“Ah, the lady who found it says that it was quite delicious. She gave us the remains of the carcass.”
“Can you identify it?”
“It appears to bear some similarity to a tropical rock lobster species…”
Tropical rock lobster mistaken for alien – report is a false alarm, Mel typed as fast as she could.
“What about the remaining specimen?”
“Definitely a very large tropical rock lobster. We’ve commandeered the specimen for testing…one of our researchers would like to see what it tastes like with butter.”
“Ah, okay. Thanks Phil.”
“Sure, bye.”
Relieved murmurs flowed around the table. Everyone else started discussing where they intended to go for breakfast following the meeting.
“Um, Lili?” Mel ventured. “What are we going to tell the press conference?”
Lili smiled, her handbag already on her shoulder as she straightened her shirt in preparation for going out. “It’s not the end of the world. Just step upstairs and tell Luce it was a false alarm. He can tell the assembled media that we’ve averted disaster.” She followed the team out toward the lift.
Mel broke into a run up the stairs to Luce’s office and the seminar room where he’d held the briefing of her in her bikinis. She could hear the sound of many voices. She silently opened the door and slipped inside.
In the lights at the front, his gaze sweeping a dozen cameras as he spoke into a myriad of microphones, Luce smiled. “The important thing to remember is that, even if aliens are invading and the apocalypse is nigh, this is not the end of the world. We have specialist staff ready to respond to any and all invasion forces…”
Mel dropped to her knees. It might not be an alien invasion, but it was the end of the world. Her boss had just predicted doomsday from an invasion of lobsters. She didn’t dare say that the specialist staff were responding with butter. Oh Hell.
YOU ARE READING
Mel Goes To Hell
Humor“Great, see you in hell at 9 on Monday morning!" Even working in hell has a funny side. Mel accepted a job in the Hell Corporation. The push for cost-cutting, consolidation and privatisation meant most government services were contracted out to one...
