euphoric (n.s. AU)

t w e n t y t w o

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30 long minutes later, we hop in the shower together, seemingly for different reasons. She's washing herself to get rid of the post-sex mess, and I'm washing myself to get rid of the feeling of her touching me. I can't stand it. I can't stand Marissa. 

"Baby, please talk to me. I know you're upset. I can tell." She says, pulling me back to reality. Her hand gently caresses my jaw, and I let out a soft sigh, before putting my hand on hers, leaning into her touch. She's an amazing person, and she deserves to know.

"This isn't easy," I start, barely able to get the words out. She looks at me intently, waiting for me to continue. "Marissa, please know that I love you so much. I care about you so, so much." She takes her hand away, and it falls at her side. She studies my face, the water from the shower dribbling over our naked bodies.

"I cheated on you." I choke out, and she pauses. Her eyes are blank, devoid of all emotion, and I am desperate for some sort of reaction. I expected her to yell and scream, for her to ask me with who and when. I even expected her to slap me, hit me, push me, anything, but there was nothing. She grabs her robe from the towel rack and steps out, leaving me in the shower by myself. I fucked up, I deserve the silent treatment. I should've been upfront with her, I should've been honest. A few minutes pass before I decide to follow her, grabbing a towel and walking to the room. 

"Marissa, can we please talk about this?" I beg, walking closer to her. She's sitting at her vanity, brushing her wet hair, dressed in pajama shorts and a tank top. She turns to look at me, sets the brush on the desk, and sighs. 

"What am I doing wrong?" She asks, looking down at herself, her face still wearing the same blank expression from the shower.

"What do you mean?" I say, puzzled by her question. I told her I cheated on her, and she asks me what she did wrong? It doesn't make sense. 

"How can I be better for you? How can I change so you don't feel the urge to do this anymore?" She continues, and I am completely in shock. How can she sit here and blame herself for my shitty actions? I shake my head, and walk over to her, kneeling down in front of her and taking her hands into mine. 

"Marissa, no. You did nothing wrong at all, my love. You did nothing wrong. You're beautiful, kind, attentive, funny sweet-" She cuts me off before I can continue.

"But there has to be something I'm lacking if you went searching for it in another woman. So please, tell me how I can be better for you. I'll do anything you want." She says, and I can see tears welling in her eyes. Her response pains me. I can't begin to grasp why she's talking this way about herself. This is the last thing I expected from her. 

"Marissa, please listen to me when I say this. You did nothing wrong, at all. What I did does not reflect you in anyway, please understand that."

"It has to!" She says, the soft tone she had before turning into a frantic one. "There has to be something, Harry! There has to be something I can do to be better for you, please. Please let me be better for you so you never do this again. There has to be something she has that I don't." She pleads with me continuously, her grip on my hand increasing. Her eyes desperately search my face for an answer, one that I wasn't ready to give her yet. But I can no longer sit her and tolerate the foolish and harsh things she's saying about herself. 

"A dick." I blurt out unexpectedly, and the sad look on her face instantly twists into a puzzled one. She stares at me confused, as if signaling me to explain. 

"There is no woman, Mar. It was- It was a man. I cheated on you with a man." I admit, and her eyes widen at me, and her mouth opens as if to say something, but she closes it again. 

"Look, I'm just as confused as you are. I should've brought my feelings to you, instead of acting on a whim and exploring. I don't understand how or why I've had these feelings lately, but all I know is that I think I'm attracted to men. I need to listen to this feeling." I finish, and once I do, tears start streaming down her face, and she lets out a choked sob. 

"I can't believe this," she mutters. "I can't believe you're gay. That's why you couldn't get hard earlier."

"I don't know if I'm gay. I don't understand any of this. I've never felt this way until..." I trail off, unsure if I should bring Niall into this. Marissa is sweet, but she is known for being violent sometimes. The last thing I want is to cause harm to Niall. Once she realizes that I'm not going to finish my sentence, she throws her hair into a ponytail, stands up, and walks to the closet. 

"I'm going to go stay with my parents." Is all she says, before stuffing some clothes into a duffle bag she grabbed from the top of the closet, and zipping it up. All I can do is watch her collect her belongings while I feel tears of my own starting to fall. 

"I never meant to hurt you," I start. "You don't have to leave, Marissa. You can stay in the guest bedroom." 

"I can't be around you right now. I think it's best if I just go stay with my parents." And with that, she throws the bag over her shoulder and promptly slips out of the room. I get up to watch her from the top of the stairs, watching her slip her shoes on and open the door. She looks back at me one last time, and I'm able to choke out a small "I'm so sorry" before the door shuts behind her. 

"I'm such a piece of shit." I mumble to myself, the sound of the engine of Marissa's car filling my ears. I walk back to my room, the one I once shared with Marissa, and plop on the bed, still naked. Niall is still heavy on my mind, but I fight the urge to text him. I screwed things up, and he doesn't deserve to be dragged into my mess. He's the only one I want to talk to right now, he's the only one who could calm my raging nerves. I sigh, going against my better judgement and grab my phone from the nightstand. I open Niall's conversation thread, pursing my lips inquisitively. Should I even bother? He made his boundaries clear; he doesn't want our relationship to go past professional. But then again, it already has. 

"Fuck it." I tell myself, before constructing a message for him. 

me // I know you said that our romances must be put to a stop, but does that mean we can't still be friends? I could really use one right now.

I hit send, not sure if I'll even get a response. Maybe Niall is right, maybe we should stop this. I'm his boss, it's inappropriate and unprofessional on every level. It should've never went this far. But it's too late for that, right?

Right?

I sluggishly get dressed and make my way downstairs to the kitchen to pour myself a cup of whiskey. I deserve it after a day like this. Just as I finish my first sip, my phone vibrates in my pocket. My heart skips a beat, and I almost drop my glass. I slam it down on the counter and fiddle with my pocket for a second before retrieving my phone and unlocking it as fast as possible. My cheeks instantly warm from the sight. 

Niall // sure, we can still be friends. whats up?

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