IN MY DREAMS [A POE DAMERON X READER STORY] [BOOKS 1-3]

chapter five

Your mother was stable. Poe returned to the meeting as everyone gathered together to plan what was next. While Leia was unconscious and recovering, someone else would take her place. You refused to leave her. How could you? You'd almost lost her forever. You didn't want to risk it again.

"What are we going to do, Mama?" you whispered. "We're down to three ships. Poe says we've got maybe a few hundred left in the Resistance. The First Order is closing in and there's no where to go. I feel so lost. I know what you would tell me to do... what I need to do. But I can't do it. I can't leave you. I can't leave Poe."

The Resistance needed Luke. Luke was the one that could fix everything. Your uncle, who you were so terrified to see again, was the only hope. But facing him meant facing your failures. If he knew the monster you became, would he still want you to continue training?

"It would be easier to do this if you would just be awake to tell me," you said. Your lip twitched into a half-smile. "You wouldn't really give me a choice, would you?"

Time passed slowly, and you stared at her closed eyes. She looked peaceful and you were glad that she was finally resting, although you were terrified for her at the same time. Eventually, the doors behind you opened. You turned, expecting it to be the medics, but it was Poe. 

"Any change?"

"No," you said. "Nothing." 

He took a deep breath as he moved to stand next to you. He put one arm around your shoulders and pulled you against his side. You wrapped am arm around his waist and gave him a gentle squeeze. "Don't lose hope." 

"I won't," you promised. You looked up at him. "How did the meeting go?" 

He sighed, and you knew that it did not go well. "Leia's replacement is Vice Admiral Holdo."

"Who?"

"Holdo." He pinched the bridge of his nose between his middle and pointer finger. Stress caused his eyebrows to pull together and stay like that. "And unfortunately, she doesn't like me very much. Called me a trigger happy flyboy."

"I'd argue that she knows you pretty well," you mumbled jokingly. He gave you a look and you smiled. "I'm kidding, Dameron." 

"Good. But Holdo has basically doomed us. She says we're to sit here and wait." 

"Wait for what reason?" you said. 

"I don't know! To be killed, I suppose. We'll run out of fuel soon enough. No one is coming to our rescue. The Republic is destroyed and Rey is a no-show. I'm starting to think that this is it. Without Leia leading us, we're doomed." 

There it was. Just like she was telling you herself. You looked down at your mother and you swallowed hard, imagining the pain of leaving her in this state and leaving Poe to sit on this ship and wait. But the words rose up out of your throat, anyway, because you knew that this was the right thing to do.

"I have to go find Luke," you breathed. "I have to leave."

He paused before he answered surely, "I know."

You reached up and grabbed his hand that covered your shoulder. Giving it a tight squeeze, you turned and looked at him. "Do you think it'll be safe if I leave on an escape pod?" 

"They won't attack a single life form," he said. "And if they do, we'll make the jump to lightspeed." 

"And then what? You'll be out of fuel, out of options!" You stood up fast and turned around. "You'll all be killed, Poe, and if I lose you---" 

His hands covered your shoulders. "We'll figure it all out as we go, alright? We don't have many options left. But you and I both know what you need to do." 

"What if I never see you again?" You shook your head and whispered, "If I lose you..."

"Lose me?" He grinned, lopsided, and cupped your face with one hand. "We've found each other more than once. Through slim chances and a thousand barriers separating us, we found each other again and again! You aren't losing me and I'm not losing you."

His words comforted you and you found that you could smile. "It seems the Force won't allow it, hm?"

"And I am grateful for it," he said.

His arms moved around you and pulled you close, and as your cheek touched the center of his chest, you knew that you were home. The warmth and the scent of him was a home you had missed for too long.

His hands were light on your shoulders as he moved you back and reached behind him. "I have something for you."

"What is it?"

What he held out in front of you was a lightsaber hilt that you never wanted to see again. You had given it to your mother the night you returned, believing that she would destroy it. Seeing it again was betrayal in your veins.

The sight of it made your blood go cold. Immediately, your mouth opened a thousand curses wanted to pour out as you demanded to know why he thought this would be a gift you'd want.

But he was gentle. "I know, I know. This isn't something you think you need. But Leia gave it to me to give to you when you were ready. I think that's now."

"It isn't," you whispered. "I am not---"

"And she said something to me along the lines of your past doesn't define you and your destiny is forged by your own hand. I agree. Whatever you're running from, whether it be your brother or your memories or the endless trauma I am sure you've endured in all of those years, none of it defines you. How you come out of it does. And I know that the woman that wields this lightsaber, whether the crystal is red or blue, is the woman that I love. The woman that is the strongest and most good in this galaxy."

He placed the weapon in your hands. You stared at it with teary eyes, feeling the cool weight that was so comfortably familiar and heartbreakingly dark. It didn't match your soul at all.

"Leia knew you would need this when you went to Luke. I don't know why. I don't get half of this magic-space stuff, but I do know you. I know that you'll do everything right and you will fix this."

Suddenly, everything seemed a little lighter. Despite the weapon that reminded you of hate and hurt in your hands, you were full of love. Love you were too afraid to speak out into existence. Love that made you want to touch your lips to his.

"What would I be without you, Dameron?"

"You never have to know," he said, cupping your face again. "I am with you. Forever."

As much as you wanted to believe that, the thought of separating was too much. You threw your arms around his shoulders and yanked him close. You would hold him until you both knew that you'd wasted enough time. And then you would leave, wishing you had made him aware of your feelings through your declaration or the touch of your lips.