A Simple Guide to Overthrowing an Empire

A Quick Phone Call

"Incoming transmission from... Earth?" The transmission officer's voice betrayed his shock, mixed with confusion and a hint of fear. The last time they'd received a call from Earth must have been nearly five years ago now. He glanced back at the Tallest, whose faces were nearly white with terror. Red was the first one to recover from their shock, waving for the crew to accept the call, as he'd temporarily lost his voice.

"My Tallest," The face that filled the screen was decidedly not Zim. Dark blue eyes and crooked antennae differentiated the Irken from the rogue invader. "I wanted to report an update on my mission. And, I... have some concerns to share."

"Oh thank... well, us," Purple sighed in relief, finally retrieving his voice. Red stared at the vaguely familiar Irken, trying to place his name. "We thought you were Zim!"

"Dob? Bid?" Red tested, neither of them were quite right.

"Dib, sirs."

"Dib! I remember now, the uhh, scientist, right? We sent you to get our weapons! Where are they?" Red's attitude flipped from jovial to impatient in a split second, while his partner dwelled on less important details.

"Did you find Zim? Did he hurt you?" Purple asked with morbid curiosity, "Are you in hiding?" Purple grinned, nudging the other Tallest, "Oh, I hope he's in hiding." He addressed the Irken on screen again, "Did you record the battle?"

"There was— no battle?" Dib tilted his head, "That's the thing, Zim was... scared. Of me."

"Oh that's even better!" Purple practically jumped out of his chair. Even Red had a sort of devilish smile. "So, when will you be returning with our weapons?"

"I don't know, my Tallest. That was why I called you. Zim was scared because he—-" Dib paused, should he really tell the Tallest what he saw in Zim's base? Betray the small Irken's trust by revealing his weakness to the Tallest? Dib shook off the hesitancy, of course he should tell them! They were his Tallest, after all. "He doesn't remember... anything."

"Anything?" Now it was Red's turn to get excited, "You mean all this time, Zim was a sitting duck? Completely unable to defend himself?" Dib wasn't sure he liked the glint in Red's eyes, but he nodded all the same.

"We thought for sure he'd gone rogue. Ha! Red thought he was building some sort of "resistance" to overthrow the Empire or something." The Tallest seemed relaxed, downright happy at the news.

"I did not," Red hissed, elbowing his partner. "Well then, scientist drone? What's the hangup? We asked for weapons of mass destruction, here."

"I have to re—" Dib stopped. Not paused, stopped. After the Tallest's reaction to the news that Zim had lost his memories, how would they react when Dib told them he would bring them back? He shuddered at the thought of being yelled at by his leaders. "I'll have them in a week's time, my Tallest," Dib steeled his face, staring at his leaders on the small display and hoping they didn't catch his stumble.

"Good! Great!" Purple clapped his hands, standing up. "Let us know if there will be any delays so we can punish you accordingly."

"And double check for any leftover snacks as well," Red spoke up, brows furrowed in concentration, "They discontinued Schloogie bars not long after we lost contact with Zim. See if he has any."

"Of course, my Tallest." Dib gave his leaders a short nod, "I'll... meet up with the Armada in a week."

"Wonderful! Don't forget my Schloogie bars!" Red gave a small wave of his hand and the transmission was cut. Dib blinked at the black screen, and finally exhaled. How was he going to restore Zim's memories and convince him to give up the weapons in a week?! Foolish, foolish.

"I suppose the best place to start would be a plan..." Dib pulled a pad from his PAK. "But where to begin?" He chewed on the end of the pen, staring at the blank screen before him.

~

"So..." Purple glanced at his fellow Tallest, who was reclining contentedly in his chair. "Are we gonna blow him up?"

"Is that even a question, my dear friend?" Red had that look on his face, the one Purple both feared and loved. "Of course we are. Set a course for Earth!" he shouted to the captain, who saluted in turn. The crew got to work twisting knobs and pulling levers. Their work done, the Tallest rose from their seats.

"But what if that guy is still on the planet when we explode it?" Purple asked as they floated down the hall to their quarters, where a dinner of fresh donuts and other snacks surely awaited them.

"Well we were sending him on a death mission anyway," Red shrugged, "It's not like he's particularly important."

"And the weapons?" That gave Red pause. They were, after all, the reason they'd sent Derb on the mission in the first place. "He has his time frame," Red finally spoke again. Purple had his hand on the doorknob. "We give him a week, then the whole thing goes," Red finished his sentence with a demonstration, waving his hands around and making exploding sounds.

Purple laughed, opening the door to the expected scent of freshly baked pastries. "And Zim's reign of terror will be no more!"

"Precisely!" Red led the way in, "Let's not talk about Zim, though. Don't want to spoil our meal."

Purple nodded, focus drifting to the snacks before them. Not bothering to close the door, the two Tallest descended on the helpless donuts with ravenous vigor.