empty letters

A.R

dear A.R,

i owe you ... the biggest apology ever.

you liked me. you showed me a vulnerable part of you. i didn't even acknowledge your feelings.
i let E.W come on my account and cuss you out and make you feel low for liking me even after i didn't return your feelings. i let her...

i gave you false hope every time i faltered. i never got to straight up tell you i didn't feel the same. every time... i did you begged me for a chance and i said yes.. you even bought me a valentine's day gift when i was promised one in November by someone. they couldn't wait 3 months for me... they left after one. you waited a whole year for me, and i never felt the same way... longer than i waited for B.G.

i know you despised B.G and you had a right to. she got my whole heart in under a month.. and you asked for it 4 months before.. i'm sorry. im such a hypocrite.

i said that ... B.G liked someone in under a month. i did the same. she didn't know their middle name, gender; or first name. i didn't know her middle name. but maybe im not? because she said she loved them... it took me 10 months to admit to myself  i  loved her...

this isn't about how i feel right now.. i just hope you can forgive because we were such good friends. i don't wanna say im using you because i dont think i am... i loved your attention and love.. but i couldnt love you. maybe that is manipulative? toxic? or anything you want to call it...but it's how i feel right now... and for the past year. im sorry.

when you told B.G to her face that you hated her after she grabbed my hand and dragged me to practice and we laughed together... i didn't understand why. looking at it now... i can understand.. i feel like you. this doesn't even feel like an apology. but im more than sorry... and i wish i had the courage to send this.. or at least part of it.

i hope you find someone and find happiness in someone else... please move on for both of us..

much love,

                       nia