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B.C.G

dear B.G,

i have so much to say, but i can't put it into words.

so many good memories and if only we could've made more. It was February 12th when i met you. we've seen each other time and time again, just never talked.

it was our first track meet. i didn't really socialize with the team, but everything felt easy and calm with you. i met you at the perfect time. i was going through a rough time. i had just lost my best friend and someone i liked.

you took my mind off both of them, track became a safe space.

during the first meet, someone from a different school tripped me and made me fall. the same team later pushed me. after, you made sure i was okay. you gave me a bandaid. even though it was the smallest scratch you checked on me everyday.

you kept going to my locker, i had no one else really at my locker besides classmates who helped me get my stuff in my locker since M.B no longer came, and E.W just stuck around her.

everyone noticed how close we were. we hugged between every class period. you gave me one of your bracelets. this yellow one with velvety fabric around it.

you remind me of those "wHeRe mY hUg aT" niggas, but yours was so comforting. i seen you were busy talking to someone and i wasn't trying to interact. you seen me turn and leave and you hugged me from behind. i wasnt happier. im sorry E.W ruined your feelings for me. i wish you liked me enough to still pursue your feelings.

someone who liked me, A.R seemed to hate you. i'm sorry that as soon as we interacted you got burdened with my drama. i never meant for it to occur like that.

we used to go to the locker room and weave in and out of changing rooms like little kids. you carried me on your back but E.W joined and got possessive over me. rarely allowing me to talk and interact with you during practices. making everyone assume me and her were dating when i just wanted you.

remember the first night of us going on quarantine break, you stayed up until 8am talking to me. i was worried i ruined your sleep schedule but apparently this is how you usually are. i was relieved but i still kept begging you to stay when you got tired. so much happened in one night... we exchanged passwords, learned middle names, birthdays, and had deep conversations about the future even if they were far fetched.

so much in one night.

we kept this routine of talking everyday.

my birthday came around in june and you only texted me at nighttime during this time. you missed my birthday and told me at 12am, as soon as it passed my birthday. you didn't remember, you had to look at my instagram story of others wishing me a happy birthday. it kind of hurt but i was a hypocrite.

on your birthday in august, i was a full day late and i seen your post on your spam. i felt bad. we fell out of routine after august fully.

all i got was insults and demands to get on the game with you. we called from time to time. it only to play the game. i always thought about how i never got a compliment from you except that time you called me hermosa. now it's nothing at all. you invite me to do things. that's it. we never followed through.

you dated this one boy who you actually hate now. liked this one girl. i cried in my grandparents bathroom for an hour. she was beautiful. a girl with long black hair in a styled wolf cut. her eyes almond shaped; but rlly wide. her lips rlly full. full as mine but a natural red color. her pale skin. she was nothing like me. i was nothing compared to her. so much nostalgia, even though you knew what i went through.

you said you stopped liking me. over E.W liking me. something about leftovers but i was never hers begin with. that's what i'll never understand.

we started to improve you know? you came to my track meet. i thought you were joking. i got to meet your beautiful mom and her glowing dark skin. her facial features are so beautiful. i got to see your sister again. more importantly i got to see you again.

it pained me. we didn't ... touch. i couldn't hug you because the nicest thing you did was give me a drink and some watermelon sour patch kids. i don't even like them, but now i do because they remind me of you.

just like how sza makes you think of me. anything sza you see you tag me in or send to me and it makes me smile to myself knowing you think of me every time. i love sza and i remind you everyday.

i wish we hugged. touched. grazed skin. you barely said hi. i was happy you even interacted with my team but you were nicer to them than you were towards me.. my teammate  who flirts with me occasionally, drank the drink you gave me. thirsty ass. 

i regret not feeling you. regret not telling you everything on my mind. because i wouldn't know...2 weeks later it'd be too late. i have your accounts... you date someone now. you didn't even tell me and we still talk almost everyday.

it hurt so bad. but it's a downgrade. i'm not even regretting saying that because i want to commit homicide. i want to murder someone i don't even know. feel their blood running down my wrist. the murder weapon giving me relief. just to not see those texts again.

yes, i can simply logout, but i'll have to remain with the knowledge that he is texting you. i want his fingers to be chopped off and he can never communicate with you again. i want you... i want you to myself. i can never get that. i've been in love with you for a year.. i've told you in so many ways and you always play stupid. you need someone to elaborate and i won't embarrass myself the ways i've done before.

he didn't elaborate. a simple question. "are you mine yet?" and you replied with a simple yes. i love you's were being tossed around. i pray they're not genuine. you've known them for a month... are you sure you love them? you just found out their gender today, don't know their middle name, and they just found out your actual name two days ago... B.G.

i loved you.

now i have to let you go. i know.

goodbye.

sincerely,

              nia