It's a Lengthy Exposition on Making Visual Things

obsessive contagious disorder

I have OCD. I will always have OCD, I require a lifetime of medical treatment for this disorder, and lapsing isn't an option.  Before I was diagnosed, I went psychotic with my compulsions. My rituals became a prison, and I nearly died of acute organ failure brought on by starvation before I was put in a psychiatric hospital.

I have what can be easily called contamination subset of OCD. Gangstalking, paranoia, drugs, germs, poisons.... pandemics. I was insane. I cleaned everything. I only ate or drank from sealed containers. I would NEVER eat from a restaurant, in front of others, etc. I wore a face mask and gloves everywhere, and this was back in 2014-15ish. I would not take any kind of medication because I went down a rabbit hole of studying the Tylenol mass poisoning cases and I couldn't stop thinking that everything was our to kill me. My hands and wrists were cracked from the constant handwashing.

I remember sitting in the drs office and the nurse asking me to come back. I signed the paperwork with my own pen, declining to touch the pens the receptionist had on her desk. I stood at the scale, still fully dressed in my winter coat and docs. I asked her if I should undress and she said nah it's fine. I stepped on the scale. She asked me if I could take off my jacket while she reset the scale because it was off. I stepped back on. She now looked really concerned. Fully dressed, I stood at 80 lbs even. There was nothing with the scale. I have never cared about my weight, and I have never had any inclination towards starvation, guilt of eating, or any sort of ED. But  in that moment, I realized that I was fucked. But I was so scared that the nurse was going to shoot me up with cyanide that it took hours for my doctor to convince me that yes, I really did need to go to the hospital. I didn't want to die. That's why i was so afraid of everything.

Why mention that I was barely hitting 75 lbs, that I had lost 20 lbs in less than a month from full blown psychosis brought on by my untreated OCD?

Because, I'm recovered now. I know what paranoia is. I know that washing things, the checking, the mask, the gloves, the single use items, not letting anyone touch me, not having sex because of germs, no touching anything. And honestly? Seeing those behaviors that were deadly to me being touted as good, as the moral high ground? That is scarier to me than seeing that 80 on the scale. I have isolated myself from the outside because I can't let the covid paranoia put me back into a state where I give in to compulsive behavior and fear. I am not afraid of an overhyped swine flu, I am afraid that seeing this type of hype, this type of senseless, irrational fear that is spread like a virus on socoamedia apps, in the news, on TV, on the radio, it is inescapable. Just like my psychosis was in 2015. Except this time, nobody is giving them a reality check. They are only feeding it.

Eveytime I have in to the cleaning, to the contamination fear,i felt like would be ok. Just follow the rules. Be safe. You'll be ok. It was a comfort. But the rules got more convulted, my thoughts conflicted. It became a prison and my response was to obey, because then, I'd know I wasn't dirty, I wasn't contaminated. Sure it took me 25 minutes of washing a glass before I'd use it, but atleast I wouldn't die. This was safe. But it wasn't. Because I was dying. I was so obsessed with safety thst the very se rituals I had built to feel safe with were now going to destroy me. From the inside out.

They are scared. They are suffering. Even now, people, who are fully vaccinating are still scared and paranoid... this has given them ptsd. I know it because I lived it in a time where the mass media wasn't gaslighting our country into having artificial OCD. The way people are acting now is how I lived during the WORST part of my life, and it is terrifying to think they do not have the same support of therapy I have had. Because everyone around them is saying: be afraid. Don't think. Obey. Be afraid. We are here for you. You'll be safe. Just follow the rules.  You're safe now.