What I Thought I'd Never Love

Ex-Person

(A/N: This story is picked up right when Cristina left the hospital, what's happening in the show now may or may not be included. All rights go to Shonda Rhimes excluding what storylines I make up. Please enjoy!)

Present Day (MEREDITH POV)

   << Meredith: Life is suffocation, life is drowning. But life is also staying afloat, with your friends, family, your people. Your people keep you afloat. You keep them afloat, but sometimes something so heavy drops onto your friends shoulders and they have to let you go. Suddenly, you're both drowning. But you didn't have any warning at all, while they did. They were prepared, and they managed to stay afloat... But you on the other hand, you sink to the most utter bottom of life possible, and it takes every ounce of strength to fight your way to the surface. >>

   "Meredith, wait!" Derek called after me as I rounded the corner, trying to make it to the nearest on-call room before I let the waterworks escape. I hated crying.

   I found the on-call room, pushing through the door easily, Derek following, and collapsing to the floor as Derek closed the door behind us.

   "Meredith, it's been five years. You shouldn't let it bug you this much. Don't let her get to you." Derek consoled, kneeling down on the floor beside me.

   "That's just it, Derek. It's been five years, and she just, what? Forgot about me, decided I didn't matter? When she first found out about Zurich she was so excited, and I was too. She said we'd fly out to see each other, we'd skype, we'd keep in touch. She'd be my long distance person. But then she left, and we did keep in touch at first. But slowly it stopped, and I'd try to come visit and she would stop me. She told me it was just going to make it harder for her if I tried to visit, and that I could visit in two months. But then two months later she told me she couldn't see me or talk to me, that it reminded her too much and brought her too much pain." I said, gasping for air, glaring down at the magazine with her face on the cover. She looked happy.

   "Meredith, five years. Cristina is living her life, you should live yours. You've been fine, what brought this on? You haven't been this upset about her in a long time." Derek said, rubbing soothing circles on my back.

   "I need my person Derek. I'm sinking and I need my person." I said lifelessly as I tried to reign in the damn irritating waterworks.

   "Why are you sinking, you've been fine? We're happy, we have Zola and Bailey, what's wrong?" He asked, sounding concerned.

   "I got heavier. Or I will. I'm pregnant, and I can't do this." I told him, and as soon as it was out the waterworks started up again.

   Derek froze behind me.

   Me and Derek had hit a rough patch after Cristina had left. He'd been offered a job in D.C. which he had taken, he'd left me and the kids. It had been like that for exactly six months, before he came back and we made up.

   But then, suddenly, me and Derek were both miserable. We couldn't balance our family lives, our children were the most important thing to us, with our ambitious career goals. It had nearly killed our marriage. But we had managed to hold on until Zola and Bailey were old enough were they could function somewhat without us.

   Zola was 8 now, and Bailey was 5. They were our whole world, but they were also independant. But now, there'd be a new child. A new baby. A new roadblock in our paths, and worse, we would love it unconditionally.

   Derek finally spoke. "Meredith, we can do this. Hell, Zola's old enough to help out now even. And Maggie."         

   I sighed. I knew Zola would be overjoyed about another baby. So would my half-sister, Maggie. But me and Maggie didn't always get along, her and Derek got along better than her and me. But I knew she would help out if I asked.