little do you know // niall horan au

chapter 21; trouble

A memory.

Zayn shifted a bit and Mona snapped out of it again, realizing that she had leaned her head against his shoulder. Harry was fiddling with her fingers, and she only then realized that she was holding his hand. Years have stretched between that memory and now and things were so different. She didn't have a dad. Her best friend was ignoring her. She'd fallen in love and couldn't admit it.

Well, the last part was nothing new.

"Y'alright, Mo?" Zayn asked, his voice a murmur in her hair.

Mona thought about his question. Was she? Was she alright? The obvious answer was no, she was clearly not alright. She felt completely and utterly inadequate. All her life, she has never been able to meet expectations, never been able to be someone who was always happy and kind and generous. Never been able to be enough. She was a disappointment.

She wasn't enough for her dad, wasn't enough for her mom, wasn't enough for Nick, wasn't enough for Harlow, and wasn't enough for her friends. Now, as the hospital walls appeared to be closing in on her, she knew that she wasn't enough for Niall.

It was just so exhausting. Because no matter what Mona tried to do, she always felt like she would just never be enough.

"I wish it was me." The words escaped her lips so fluidly and yet in a voice that she couldn't even recognize. Who said that? She knew it was her. It was her voice out of her mouth up through her throat. But it didn't sound like something she would say, didn't sound like something she should say.

And yet, it conveyed her deepest darkest feeling. Something that had been so tired of being burrowed deep in her chest. Something that she didn't allow herself to feel until now.

It was why they were here.

"Mo," Zayn gasped. "That is such a terrible thing to say."

She gulped through the lump that had suddenly formed in her throat, shrugging. "I'm so tired of people getting hurt because of me." Her voice sounded empty, hollow. It sent a chill through the room. "I would have deserved it. Not Niall. Never Niall."

"Mona..." Harry sounded like he was stunned into disbelief. She could feel everyone's eyes on her now, but she couldn't find it in herself to care. Still, she didn't dare make eye contact with anyone; instead, she stared down at the floor, her head still on Zayn's shoulder. "Mona, you don't mean that."

When she looked up at Harry, she could see the exact moment he saw all of her feelings in her eyes. All of his features softened, lips curling down into a frown. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Instead, he looked a bit like he wanted to cry.

Mona sighed, sitting up and rubbing her hands against the material of her jeans. She hadn't realized when they'd gotten so clammy. She was starting to feel lightheaded and overheated, and all she wanted was to splash some cold water over her face. "I'm gonna go find the bathroom," she mumbled, getting to her feet and heading off before anyone else could say anything.

Once she was out of their view, she slowed her pace, wandering down the corridor in search of the restroom. Somewhere, a machine was beeping uncontrollably, the sound echoing in her brain along with her never-ending thoughts. She took three more steps and suddenly she was in a different corridor, in the same hospital where she was sitting with her head on Harlow's shoulder.

She was transported to a memory, where her mom was walking towards her, eyes wet with tears yet her expression was stunned. A memory, where her mom reached out to her, hands pressing to her arms, trembling. A memory, where she looked over to the room next to her, and her father was there, yet he wasn't; he was gone, leaving her all alone. A memory, where she fell to her knees and screamed and wailed and called for him to come back, and her mom gathered her to her chest and said, "let's go home, sweetheart."