little do you know // niall horan au

chapter 18; i love you

Niall leaned back into his chair, skin glowing and eyes glimmering and Mona could feel herself faltering. She was such a goner for him. "I came by last night for that cuddle but Harlow said you'd already fallen asleep." He smiled sweetly, and the way he did it made him look boyish and charming. Mona felt guilt crawling up her windpipes because that wasn't true, she'd simply pretended to sleep when Harlow came in to check on her. "Didn't wanna bother you but I think I've gotten so used to you being in bed with me that it was hard to fall asleep."

Mona had to bite back the smile that threatened to break through at that, had to tamp down the hope that started to flutter around in the pit of her stomach. She really hated when he said things like that because it made it difficult to determine where she truly stood with him. "Sorry." She couldn't help the way she sounded a bit defeated. "Traveling makes me crazy tired."

Niall grinned, reaching forward to brush strands of her hair that had fallen out of her haphazard bun away from her face, tucking them behind her ear. "Yeah. I know." She sighed inwardly. Here she was, with this gorgeous boy who always murmured sweet nothings into her skin, who kissed her so gently, who she loved with all her heart, and she couldn't even tell him how she felt, and she couldn't even begin to think herself as worthy of him.

She'd been so lost in her thoughts that she wasn't sure how it happened, but somehow, Niall had thrown an arm across the back of her chair, the warmth radiating from beneath his jumper pressing into her skin. He was leaning in, eyes already fluttered shut, lips parted slightly, and every one of her instincts had her leaning forward too. It hadn't even been that long but, oh, how she craved his kiss. She wanted more. She always wanted more.

And yet, something lit up in her head. Something that had her hand pressing against his chest, pushing as she curled her feet into the legs of the chair and slid herself backwards, as far away as she could get from that warmth. "Stop," she croaked, and when she managed to open her eyes, Niall was watching her in concern, already moving forward to comfort her obvious hurt, and again, she moved away.

"What's wrong, darlin'?" His bright blue eyes were so wide and honest and lovely, but Mona couldn't help but physically cringe at the nickname. He reached for her hand which was still sitting limply on the surface of the table and she pulled it away, averting her eyes so she didn't have to watch whatever look he'd just pulled.

Mona could feel herself beginning to hyperventilate. She'd bottled and bottled her feelings and now they felt like they were about to explode and there was nothing she could do to stop it. "I need to tell you something," she blurted out. Her heart was beating ten times faster than normal and she almost wondered if this was what cardiac arrest felt like.

Niall's eyes widened. "Me too." Now he actually looked a little nervous. "It's why I came to find you actually...it's, uh. It's kind of urgent."

She nodded. He should probably go first anyway. It would buy her time to try and figure out how exactly she wanted to tell him that she didn't want to be his friend with benefits anymore—because god knows that is an awkward conversation.

But Niall motioned for her to go first and she really didn't want to do that so she decided to just wait. Maybe he would take the hint and go ahead and say what he had to say.

The silence stretched miles between them. All Mona could hear was the thump thump thump of her heart in her ears and she started to feel nauseous, just like that night at Connemara's. Her body was warning her of something, something bad, and all she could do was sit there and wait for it.

She couldn't take it anymore. She needed to end this. It hurt so much, all the time, and she couldn't live like this anymore, in fear of what Niall was going to say to her, in fear of her feelings. The words came out like word vomit, except it happened to both of them at the same time.