Life is unfair.
It favours some people and laughs in the face of others. But I guess life never promised to be fair, just kind of offhandedly mentioned that it was a possibility. Still, if life decides to laugh in your face while giving out natural...
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Picture this: a completely normal Tuesday morning. I'm feeling a little tired but mostly okay. Slightly less bad about the whole being a complete jerk to Axel thing, since I've been not openly hostile towards him like he asked, and everything seems to be okay. I can kind of trick myself into believing that I've made up for being a horrible person towards him, even though I know deep down that it's nowhere near enough. That's fine. I just have to never go that deep.
I show up to school for morning band practice. I'm feeling relatively okay, still. Ready to actually argue with Keira again.
And then. I get to the band room.
And guess who's already talking to Keira?
Huge shocker. Axel King.
I am immediately consumed with silent fury. That's my best friend. One of the only people who can actually tolerate my existence. Not even my parents can be around me for longer than Cody, not that they actually try. Keira is pretty much the only person I have.
But, let me remind you. This isn't because she actually genuinely enjoys my company, or because we get along on some special level. We just tolerate each other, and we know each other well enough that being friends is easier than it would be with anyone else. I'm too cynical for other people. She's too argumentative.
But here's the thing. Axel King is a really good person. And there is not even a tiny speck of doubt in my mind that he would be able to not just tolerate Keira, but enjoy her company for something like her intellectual debates or something like that.
So that's where this rage is coming from. Not possessiveness of my best friend or anything like that, I'm not that messed up. I'm just really, really scared. Because honestly, I have nothing over Axel King when it comes to Keira except the fact that I've known her longer. That's it. It's kind of completely obvious that she's going to prefer talking to him over me.
Not that I really think she'd completely drop me. Axel has enough friends that he wouldn't be able to spend every second with her. But I'm pretty sure that he's good enough of a general human being and friend that Keira will one hundred percent like him better, want to spend time with him more, and probably tolerate me a lot less.
Am I incredibly insecure and have no self-esteem? Yes, absolutely. Is it for good reason? Again, yes. Absolutely.
So the second that I set eyes on my best friend talking to the most perfect human being probably on this entire planet, I really just want to leave. Right then and there. Just run away. Go home and never come back to school, never face any of these people again and never ever ever face the reality that Keira will almost definitely prefer the object of my resentment and jealousy to me.
Instead, I force myself to go inside the classroom and take my seat and silently assemble my instrument with careful, slow-moving precision. I could probably do this blindfolded, but I keep my eyes down and block out the rest of the world. Go numb to it, lock away the sheer terror somewhere deep inside me where I can't feel it.
