I lost faith in myself

3. Broken

Tears. Just tears. Again

Negativity is a killer for me. I hate it. I hate myself because of it.

Things can hit me so hard that I try screaming or yelling to keep my defenses up. None of it works. I always end up in tears, eventually.

They just won't stop from coming. I try to fight them so hard, but it's no use.

I am already broken. I can't hold them anymore. I'm lonely, a failure, a dissapointment to the ones I love.

The same mistakes happen over en over again. The words that hurt me, are always the same. Sadly, the last time they have been expanded to different words.

My parents yelling at me for something wrong. I feel so worthless, in those moments.

I never tell them about that, but they do know I'm not okay. Honestly, that's all they have too know really.

They don't seem to care that I had been crying in my room for a while. Yeah sure, they mentioned it at some point. But that's it.

My mom and dad want me to do more. I understand that, but I just have a horrible day and even then they want me to do more.  I'm not doing enough. Another one of those sentences I hate so much. I know it's my fault.

I should do more, but I just can't get myself to do it. That makes them mad at me, while I continue to keep hating on myself.

Why don't I do it?

Am I weak?

Am I lazy?

Am I demanding to much attention?

Years ago, we moved from another place to where I live now.

I had 2 really great friends. We were like besties and everything in my life was going great.

Until the day came my parents told me that we were going to move. I was upset, but I knew I couldn't do anything about it.

When I told my friends, we promised each other to keep in contact. Little did the 3 of us know how much our life was going to change from than.

The day we moved, both of them waved me goodbye. I was really sad that I was going away from my 2 best friends.

From the day we had moved, I couldn't make any good friends at my new school. Sure...yeah I had some friends. But it was different.

It wasn't much compared to what I had. They liked me more then I liked them. It hurt them that I compared them to my other friends, but I knew that they were never gonna be the same as my 2 best friends. It didn't feel the same.

Not much time later, my friendships slowly dissapeared and I was left with one friend, who I actually only befriended because I wanted to help her with the bullies.

I did, but then we remained friends, mainly because she wanted too. I knew it wasn't going to work out in the end. We were too different.

One of my best friends would come over sometimes, but both of us knew that we were living a totally different life.

She was the popular girl she had always been with me and her other best friend. I had lowered myself to the ones that had been bullied. She had made new friends.

Loneliness overtook me. My 2 sisters both had made friends at the new school. I had lost them all. I had no real friends left.

That is when it started. Everyday one of my sisters had brought a friend, I went to my bedroom to cry.

I had lost all that I had. I couldn't fit in. I had no one and was left alone.

I hated the new place. I hated it. It had brought me so much pain already, in such a short time.

Months followed and I kept asking to move somewhere else or back. I didn't even wanted to fit in anymore. I felt broken all the time. The new house reminded me of all that I had lost in just 1 year.

Yesterday, my youngest sister asked me why I break so easily lately. It's because that time had already broken me.

I tried to hide it, but the years that followed didn't make it any better.

Things kept going wrong. I learned about my Autism. I felt cast out of groups. The one friend I had left, ended it, while my mother was in the IC that week in the Hospital. I hated myself for who I am.

It seemed like life did everything to make my life miserable. Every time I was around, things went wrong.

I feel broken...

I have been for a while.

When does it end?

☆☆☆☆☆

Author's note:

Thank you for reading yet another chapter.

I hope I didn't make anyone too emotional?

I'm really sorry if I did. I just summarised a short part of my life.

Which apparently has been a hard part of my life.

What do you think?

Anything you can relate to?

Until next time my readers.

Word count: 854