Longing •Bucky Barnes•

•Twenty Two•

He stayed close to me holding my hand with his good one. Shuri was going to remove his shredded one once she finished with her other patients. I was worried how he was going to handle not having an arm, but I guess there was worse things.

The machine did its thing and I was wildly in pain. I had broken 60% of my ribs and they had a machine that was able to make small incisions to move them back without actually having to open me up like a normal doctor would. It caused it to take longer, but I wasn't going to have to worry about a surgery. I just tried to focus on Bucky playing with my hair.

I only shed a few silent tears and was thankful I didn't attack the machine like I had at the Stark Tower. They were polite and gentle enough, or at least as much as they could be. My ribs were extremely sore, but they were at least in place and I felt sturdier. They left and told us to come back tomorrow so we can be checked on.

Bucky helped me to get to my feet and we went off to go find our room. By this point we were painfully exhausted. We made it back to our room and the first thing I saw was the massacre out our window. The mess and chaos from today was now displayed in place of the beautiful scenery we had woken up to. I quickly went to the window and shut the blinds to keep that vision of what had happened away.

"You go shower first." Bucky said pointing as he turned on the main light.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yeah go on." He said nodding.

I went and grabbed my clothes from my drawer. I picked out something that was just going to be comfortable. Bucky was sifting through his drawer and not speaking. I was about to go walk to the bathroom, but I set my clothes on the end of the bed and walked towards him. I wrapped my arms around him and I could see his surprise.

He turned around in my arms after a second and I felt one arm wrap around me. His head rested on mine and I felt him start to shake and I looked up. His eyes were very red and I could tell he was crying. It was then that squeezed him harder knowing he was cracking.

"Bucky..." I said softly.

"Go shower I'm fine." He said with a big sniffle.

"Bucky-"

"Go on really." He looking down at me. "I love you."

His hand came to my cheek and he looked down at me. I pressed up onto my toes and I kissed his lips and I heard him breath out a heavy sigh. He leaned against me and his arm wrapped around me tightly. He however pulled away turning his head and his face was filled with pain.

"What's wrong?" I asked him.

"I can't even hug you." He said turning away and I saw he was upset.

"Bucky, you're alive." I said grabbing his waist. "You'll have a new arm in a day or two. I'll be here to help you."

"No!" He shouted and his arm came across and swiped the lamp off the nightstand next to us.

I jumped back and looked at him with wild eyes. He was breathing heavily as he stood there. I worried he was going to break something else so I stood with my back pressed against the bed. His hand went to his hair and I saw his muscles twitching and moving.

I was scared to move, but he slowly seemed to relax. He bent down and swiped up the lamp and slammed it back down on the table. I crossed my arms and waited because I didn't want to say something to upset him even further. He turned back around to me and I saw a concerning look in his eyes.

"Bucky, you need to calm down." I said standing completely still.

His eyes were glossing over and I knew he was overwhelmed. It hurt me to see this happen, even after he'd already worked through ignoring the commands he still had this almost subconscious reaction to large amounts of distress. I knew how hard it was to fight this but I didn't have the energy to fight him.

"Bucky, don't do this." I said flatly as he looked at me with tense eyes.

He said nothing but his eyes locked onto me much too tightly. I backed up and he only stepped forward just as slow as I had. His head was tilted low and his hand was in a fist.

"Bucky, wake up." I said firmly and he just rushed forward.

His hand came to my throat and lifted me off the ground. I was slammed into the wall behind us and I saw his face full with anger and he was shaking as he pressed me into the wall with all his strength. I tried to wiggle free, but I was pinned down and my cries were held in my throat. I looked into his eyes and I watched as his face twisted in pain for a moment and his eyes immediately softened.

His grip on my lessened and my feet hit the floor and I fell down to my knees. I fortunately wasn't lightheaded because he had only been out of it for a moment, but I still needed to catch my breath. I looked up at him and he was looking at me with the most heart broken look on his face.

"Bucky don't." I said cautiously because he was already beating himself on the inside. His very expression could have told me that.

"Val?" He asked me looking around the room confused.

"It's been a long day Bucky, just come here." I said reaching forward, but he just backed away.

"I didn't-" He said frantically. "I don't know what-"

"I know, just come here please." I said reaching out again.

He let me approach him and I wrapped my arms around him. He started to cry and I just held his head in my arms softly. My hands ran through his hair and I tried to soothe him as much as I could. I found myself crying much softer. I didn't want him to know I was crying so I kept it quiet.

This was something I never thought would happen. I mean just two weeks ago I was drinking at a cocktail party that was celebrating my accomplishment to join back the Avengers. Now half of us were gone and we didn't even know entirely who was left yet. Half of us were dead and the other half was left battered, bruised, and suffering. We hadn't really even had time to mourn yet, my mind couldn't even process losing the people that vanished right before my eyes.

I looked down at Bucky and thanked god I was holding him right now. I hated the situation we were in, I was thankful to be alive but if this was what being alive was going to be like, I didn't want it. If I could switch places with anyone of us I would have.

This was not a life I could get used to.