Spiderson one-shots

Paralyzed

TW: Depression

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Waking up is exhausting. Peter gets no sleep because of the thoughts of his past mistakes playing over and over again in his head.

At first, it wasn't so bad. He ignored it. He went on with his day telling himself to forget it.
However, as time went on, more thoughts began to enter his mind, and they soon became endless.

Doing everyday tasks doesn't come easy either. It constantly feels like he's forcing himself to do them in order, just to get through another day. 

At first, he denied everything because he didn't want to admit that he had Depression or even think about the idea. So instead, over and over again, I told himself 'It's a bad day. It's a bad day. it's a bad day'.

But it didn't take too many 'Bad days' for him to realize that nothing went wrong. Nothing bad even happened, nothing even remotely close. However, slowly, he came to the realization that he was just generally not happy. 

Running into people and them asking how he's doing is horrifying because they've asked him this before.

And yes, maybe once or twice or even three times, they're willing to listen to the truth about what he's actually going through and feeling, but after that, then what? They always say things like:

'I like hanging out with him, but all he ever does is bring the mood down.'

'I love him, but he's such a mood kill.'

'He's so different now.'

So, he pretends everything is fine. He responds with things like, 'Great, actually. Thanks for asking!'  or 'I'm fine.'  He just knows that he'll end up lying again and again, telling people these things. When in reality, he's not fine, or great, or honestly...even okay.

The minute he turns from a conversation, he can feel his body drop. Tears start to form in his eyes because he's putting on a social mask for others because it's easier than constantly feeling like a burden to them. 

It doesn't matter anyway because he will never be able to put into words exactly how he feels. 

He feels like in little ways, he's shown people that he's not doing well, and he's been crying out for help, but no one notices that he's been a little bit off, until he's hit rock bottom.

It's almost like he's watching himself go crazy, and he's got no control over the emotions. Slowly, but surely, it feels like he's drowning, and people are watching it happen.

He feels alone, confused, and empty. It's like the world around him continues, and his just somehow stops.

He has no choice but to watch everyone else smile, be happy, and have fun, while he just sits there, feeling numb and confused.

And the worst part is, going to sleep at night doesn't help because he knows he'll just wake up in the morning, and do it all over again.