If I Knew Then

This Time p.2

By Absent Heart

. Here's chapter 2, and it is another introductory chapter , however I hope it answers some questions at least. All I ask is you read, hopefully enjoy and hit the button and review.

This Time

Part Two

Derek was unsure Meredith would answer, part of him expected her to get up, and walk back inside. To his surprise she stayed where she was, and with a heavy sigh slowly as if she was still trying to decide whether it was the right thing to do turned her head, and looked at him. Really looked at him. For the first time in so long she met his gaze head on, and instead of the blank stare he had feared, he found sadness clouding the green eyes. His hand raised tentatively to cup her cheek, and for a far to brief moment he felt her lean in to his touch before she pulled away. The shutters came back down, the moment lost as Meredith turned away to stare down the drive.

"I wasn't trying to punish you Derek. Hurting you was never my intention... I just wanted to stop feeling the way I did."

"Not one call, text, or email. Nothing. God Mer if hurting me wasn't your intention, then I don't want to ever know what it would feel like if you put your mind to it."

Derek's voice was purposefully little more than a whisper, but the pain that laced every word came through loud, and clear. When he reached out to cover her hand that was resting on the step between them with his own, Meredith knew she should pull away, but found she couldn't find the strength to do so. It was one of the driving factors of why she had to leave in the first place, because whatever she had told herself about the last time, being the last time it never worked that way. She had thought by now it would be easier, that distance and time would have worked in her favour, to lessen the pull between them. However all tonight had proved so far was that she had not been as over them, or him as she had hoped.

"I tried so hard to be angry with you. I really did, and I just couldn't. I felt a lot of things, but never anger. Not at you anyway. The only person I was angry at, was me. All I could think was how did I not see it coming, how was I so blind? I mean I know you, I know you better than I have ever known anyone, and when things hurt, you walk out, it's not personal, it's just what you do... But I didn't see it, and you know why? It's because you have never walked out on me before, you never hid from me, or closed me out, till now that is..."

"Derek..."

"If I had known this is what I would be left with, I would never have let you go. You told me you needed space Mer, and I felt I owed you that at the very least, but space to think isn't cutting me out of your life. I don't get how can you do that, and be okay?"

"Do you want to know what I've learnt since being in Seattle?"

Meredith changed the topic completely, and waited for the slight nod of his head before she continued. This would be the first time she said out loud what Susan had accidentally let slip when she had come round on her weekly visit to the old house of her mothers that Meredith had moved into. However somehow despite their time apart, and all the problems that lay between them, sharing something so personal with Derek still came so naturally.

"Ellis had an affair. That's what ended the marriage, and what denied me any chance of a normal family, or any real relationship with Thatcher. My mother had no self control, and look at that... Like mother like daughter."

"You are not your mother Meredith."

"Well apparently we are more alike than I ever thought. He was married too according to Susan, and where as Ellis left Thatcher, he obviously couldn't do the same...Who can blame him right? Us Grey women are hardly notorious for healthy relationships after all."