Musings

6. The Heart. (In all its overdone Glory)

00:00
Alessia wrote.
_____________________________
Afflictions of the Heart.

I had thought of acceptance and belonging.
Of being with people you could call your own.
I had hoped
I had dreamt.

Life truly began.
I trusted.
I was betrayed.
I hoped.
Hopes were dashed.
I cared.
I was spurned.

I spiraled.
Downward.

Then I met him.
I met my Reality.
He swept me off my feet.
He caught me.
He taught me.
I metamorphosed.
I learnt.

Never to hope.
Never to care.
Never to trust.

I only thought.
My thoughts were my solace.
But they took over me.
I lacked control.

Again I spiraled.
This time to you.

I was ruined.
You were my rescue.
I don't know how.

You might have cared.
You might not have.
You had brought the light back into my darkness filled days.
But you were never there to see me smile.

Then I broke.
You broke me.
I was numb. But I was grateful.
I was free from hope.
Hope of togetherness. Of companionship.

I was wary. Because of me.
I smiled less. Because of me.
I wanted escape. Because of me.
I had nothing left to live for. Because of me.

I had let you in.
I had set too much store by you.
I had hoped too much.
I had dreamt too much.
I had expected too much.

Then I again spiraled.
Downward.

My feet hit my cold, soothing Reality.
Reality you had blurred. Because I had let you.
He embraced me. Never judging.
I cried in his arms. He soothed me.

He told me,
"You were gullible.
Be more careful.
I wouldn't want anything to happen to you.
Trust less.
Care less.
Bond less.
Bonds make you weak -
Hesitant to let go.
I will always be there.
Even when anyone else isn't."

I closed my tired eyes.
Safe in my Reality's arms.
I knew then.

Never to hope.
Never to care.
Never to trust.

But I never understood.

So I spiral.
Back to you.

Here I stand at your door.
Knife in my hand.
Not to kill.
But to wait.

To wait again.
For the eventuality of your killing me again.
To put myself through rebirth till I learn.
Till I understand.
Till I Know.

Till I spiral again.
Back to Reality.

Never to hope.
Never to care.
Never to trust.

____________________________

40 minutes straight of writing sure puts things into perspective.
She smiled.

"Such is life. It's a pity we all can't accept it though. The world would be a bearable place."

There is a pointlessness to love and the pursuit of it, seeing as most attempts result in the ruin of your persona and individuality. You are no longer self sufficient and rely on another person for your happiness (at least in part).

Alessia hated the thought of love in a 'soulmate' way. There could never be a person who would accept her, her flaws and her beautifully ruined thoughts. So she tried her hardest to remain on the shores of the sea of love. Choosing not to take the plunge.

She found it extremely infuriating that her friends insisted that she fancied a boy in class.
She only spoke with him. A lot. And found him pretty smart. Which he was.
There were no overly sentimental feelings like 'liking' or something going on there. It was highly improbable.

They were friends.

Alessia cringed at the thought of trusting someone so much that every action of their's affected your psyche and that there was always a risk that they didn't reciprocate the intensity of your feelings.

Too much complication. Definitely not for Alessia.

Especially after that guy.
He had toyed with the prospect of loving someone. He had ruined Alessia's being. He had implanted that fear in her.

The fear of love.

Loving someone would always end in a disaster. That was clear to Alessia after him.

They were so close, or so she thought. They had had it all, or so she thought. She was devoted to him. She trusted him with herself, her fears and her being. He had ruined it. He had ruined her.

He ended it. For the third time. But this time, with finality.

He had made it clear that she was that part of his past that he regretted.
He had made it clear that this time, there would be no coming back.

Or maybe she had just given up.
She had gotten sick of hoping and wishing for a miracle.
She had accepted that he was a coward - afraid to face his feelings for her.
She had accepted that he was ashamed of her.
And she was tired of being hurt.

So she mourned the part of her soul that he had murdered.
She mourned for her faith in love, her trust that everything would work out in the end and her belief that soulmates existed.

And from those ashes, the Phoenix rose.

She was better. Stronger. Braver. She dealt with her thoughts about him. She killed them as soon as they tried to start a chain.

She remembered the times they'd had, she remembered the hurt she'd been through and she remembered all the lessons she'd learnt.

Never to hope.
Never to care.
Never to trust.

(Unless it was her friends).