The Tapes. || l.s (boyxboy)

Tape eleven.

|chapter twelve: tape eleven|

I'm next. I'm the next tape and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't get the extra one unless I listen to it and I don't feel like crying tonight. I've done that way too much.

"Um yeah, hi can I have a twelve piece chicken nugget, large fries, two chicken Big Macs and a diet coke. Harry? What do you want? It's on me." Lottie turned to me from the big speaker at the McDonald's drive thru.

"Just a cheese burger and a coke please." After ordering my small meal she drove forward to collect our food.

"So you ready for your tape?"

"No. I don't think I ever will be." I opened my mouth to say something else but it was soon forgotten as my senses were drowned by the delicious smell of McDonalds.
We ate in silence and shared brief eye contact that lasted for three seconds whilst listening to the radio.
Butterflies erupted in my stomach as I shoved the empty burger box back into the bag. With shaky hands I changed the tapes and readied my finger over the play button.

"Ready?" Lottie asked, spewing little bits of her nuggets everywhere. I shook my head and dropped the Walkman on my lap.

"I can't do it."

"Oh, stop being such a wuss." In a flash, her finger was pressing the play button and she was turning down the radio.

Sup. Hi. Hello. How are you? How was your day? Are you alright? So many ways to start a conversation yet this person decided to start it with 'Hey, why are you in the cupboard?'

I smiled at that memory. I'd found him crying in the cupboard and being the idiot I am, I didn't even ask if he was okay.

Nonetheless, this idiot was so undeniably cute that it threw me off and I couldn't even reply. Stupid fuck.

Wait, what? He thought I was cute? Did I hear that right?

This boy had green eyes and he was in all black with his lips looking so inviting and I just wanted to strangle him for being so attractive. So fuck you Harry Styles for being so hot that I couldn't form a coherent sentence.

I couldn't wipe the grin off of my face and for a moment I even felt happy. But that feeling was soon overtaken by confusion.

You may be wondering 'what could an innocent boy I'd only ever talked to once have to do with my death?' Well the answer is... nothing. He did nothing wrong and I'm simply taking this time to apologise.
Harry, the night we spent together meant so much to me and I can only hope that it was the same for you. After you found me crying in the cupboard you didn't leave, you actually seemed like you cared. You sat down with me and just watched while I cried, I know that sounds incredibly creepy but it was surprisingly comforting. It was a nice feeling to know that someone was there and that they weren't gonna judge you. It's well known around the school that Harry likes everyone. Hell, he was nice to that hairy foreign exchange student that annoyed everyone. Anyway, we talked for hours. You told me about yourself and about how you grew up in Cheshire and how you only have one sister and how your mum was your role-model. I told you about my big-ass family and we never once drifted to the topic of how everyone hates me or why I was sitting in a cupboard crying. We had a pleasant conversation and you even made me laugh. I got this funny feeling in my stomach when you laughed along and I craved to feel it again. That is why I'm apologising.
I'm apologising because I never talked to you again. When you tried to approach me in the halls I simply turned and ran. I felt horrible, trust me I did. It's just that, you see, I'd already made up my mind about leaving this fucked up world. I'd already planned out these tapes and I'd already chosen the way I was gonna go. I couldn't risk getting close to you because you made me feel things that I craved to feel again. You made me happy. But I wasn't supposed to be happy. I wasn't allowed to. I couldn't. I knew it was a once in a lifetime thing that we shared in the cupboard and you don't know how much I long for more of those nights. Just you and me. So I guess this is it, isn't it? It was nice knowing you, Harry. I hope you remember me.
I'm sorry.

I didn't even realise I was crying until Lottie placed a tissue on my lap. I didn't make any move to pick it up as I looked out of the window and sniffles my thoughts back up into my head. I really didn't need to pour my heart out to Lottie. Especially since she was his sister.

"You wanna talk about it?" She gently patted my knee and reached back into her purse to retrieve the black cassette tape. She pushed it into my limp palm and retracted her hand to start the ignition.

"No."