Une Fleure Fanée

Week 2 Part 1 (Monday)

     We don't talk about anything dance-related. Dance controls our life 24/7 six, sometimes seven days a week, so whenever we have some free time, it is really fun. GiaNina and Brady carpool together, and they come next.

     When Savannah and Hannah arrive, we go into the FroYo shop. I personally think that your frozen yogurt flavor and toppings say a lot about you. I personally get chocolate with gummy worms.

     Once we get our FroYo, we sit down on a bench and dig in. I am not a fast eater, and even though nobody else is, I'm the slowest. Sarah and GiaNina get chocolate, Hannah and Savannah get strawberry, and Brady gets vanilla.

     We do a lot of Tik Tok dances and memes, but since we can't post on social media about Dance Moms or reveal that we're in Pittsburgh, they are stored in our draft section. I can't wait until this season of Dance Moms airs, so we can upload all these Tik Tok videos.

     Eventually, it's noon, and we have to break it off. Brady, GiaNina, and I carpool in Brady's mom's car. We are all a little sugar high and a little giddy. I think that the original stress of change is over. As long as Ms. Abby doesn't bully me this week, I think I'll be okay.

     When we arrive at the apartment complex, we hop out of the car, and GiaNina and I say in unison, "Thank you!"

     "Not a problem, girls! Have a good afternoon!" Ms. Farrar replies.

      Brady and Ms. Farrar walk up the stairs because they live on the second floor, while GiaNina and I live on the third floor, so while they walk up the stairs, GiaNina and I are in the elevator, standing there. Our sugar highs have crashed.

     My mind fills with concern, remembering that I am going to face my Mom once I enter the apartment. I look down at the metal floor, fidgeting my fingers.

     "Hey, Lilly, you good?" GiaNina asks, making me whip my head in surprise.

     "Oh, y-yeah, I'm fine. Sorry, I just zoned out," I stutter, making a fake giggle at the end that is clearly not real.

     GiaNina just shrugs it off, obviously seeing through me but choosing to not stick her head in, and we walk to our apartments that are just across from each other. GiaNina adjusts her cat ear headband as we wave goodbye to each other. I gulp as I take my key that I have and slowly unlock the door.

     "Mom, I-" I begin to start before I realize she is reading a magazine on the living room couch.

     She looks up at me and smiles, giving the customary, "Hi, Lilly," followed by, "How was FroYo with the team?"

     As I walk over to the couch where Mom was sitting, I want to say, "It was fine." My thoughts are scattered, my brain trying to collect them and put them in order. But I can't.

     "I-I-I-I" I stammer, my words buffering, my mind like a broken record player that is just playing the same one second of a song over and over again.

     "I-I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not talking to you. I'm sorry for yelling at you. I-" my tears cut me off as I collapse onto the couch.

     I feel like I am going backward. I always feel like I'm falling behind in my treatment. The doctors are saying otherwise, but I feel like I shouldn't be having all these breakdowns and be faking my emotions all the time. I should be normal.

     "No, Lills. You shouldn't be sorry. I have to admit I was a little out of place, but I just don't want you to be a clown for the rest of your life. But you shouldn't be worried about your place in the team because of the way I act. You just have to worry about yourself, okay?"

     I nod, my head lying in her lap. I hate not talking to her. We have such a strong relationship and bond. When you battle an illness, you really create a strong relationship with your support group. Dad is there in my support group, but he distanced himself when I was really sick. After all, he was afraid to see his sick daughter because he hates seeing his children in pain. Caden always tried and still tries to cheer me up with jokes. He always made me laugh during probably the worst moments in my life.

     "I-I just feel like I'm going b-backward. Why do I ke-keep having the-these breakdowns?" I ask Mom, begging for an answer.

     "Lilly, you're just going through a big change. Your doctor cleared you for this, and she wouldn't have cleared you if you weren't strong enough, and you weren't going to keep improving. And you're just in new circumstances with unfamiliar and familiar faces. It's okay, Lilly. It's okay," Mom reassures, playing with my hair gently.

     She gives me a peck on the forehead and we watch The Princess Bride. It was a favorite in the Ketchman household. When I was 5, it was so magical, and it still is. When they battle evil, it reminds me of the fact that I battle the intrusive thoughts, and just like the movie, I win. Well, most of the time I win.

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