Une Fleure Fanée

Week 1 Part 4 (Saturday and Sunday)

     We are practicing our trio, and Sarah can't figure out the spacing, and just overall it isn't stage-ready. The thoughts are slowly seeping in. You look like a clown, so you're going to look like a clown on stage. You will not win.

     I shake them off as Mom is trying to beat Sarah's confidence down and start a feud. I want to tell her to stop. It's rude. But I would get into some serious trouble with the producers. My heart breaks when Sarah starts to have tears in her eyes and her face is reddening.

     Mom calls her an intermediate. Ms. Abby is not pleased that my Mom made another dancer cry. We have to talk when we get back to Pittsburgh. If Mom is looking to cause trouble, I am going to get in trouble because of her.

     I stand next to Pressley while this is going on. I'm fidgeting with my fingers, trying to stay quiet. I can't do anything that would attract attention. I need some Venlafaxine. I think this may become a pattern. That I would need my emergency medication before every competition.

     Once the debacle is over, I rush over to Sarah and give her a big hug. I am not my mother. We sit down together. She puts her head on my shoulder as we watch GiaNina's trio in the dressing room.

    Hannah seems a bit overwhelmed. She messes up the basic stuff like relevés. But you can't be nervous if you want to be on Ms. Abby's team. Or you at least have to internalize the feeling.

    "Let's go. Let's go," Ms. Abby yells, and Mom hands me half a Venlafaxine. Even though I am supposed to have the tablet with food, I just down it. I don't really use food with my pills. I hug her and say my goodbyes as we go to the waiting sides.

    Making sure to stay warmed up, I stretch. The thoughts are acting up, but I distract myself with stretches. I hear clapping and cheering. I can't look, but I assume it is Ms. Abby and our moms walking down the aisle. Ms. Abby hasn't competed in two years.

     Dance With The Devil is up first. I watch intently. Overall, they are great. They dance in sync, and the spacing was great. The song, "Be My Devil" by Tony Lee Stafford Jr, Michael Dennis Smith, and NineOneOne is a great song choice. But Hannah fell out of her turn. That is scary. Ms. Abby definitely caught that. Hannah's road to being a permanent member is going to be rocky.

    Brady's with me, Sarah, and Pressley. I can tell everybody is nervous. My bubbliness is non-existent as I pace around, waiting for us to go on.

    "Good luck guys," Brady says and I smile at him and nod. I don't want to talk, because I'm afraid I will have a breakdown.

     Our number is called. We walk out and hit our beginning pose. The song "For King and Country, Part 1" by Andrew Blaney starts to play and we dance. Everything was going great. I'm hitting my moves when suddenly, our jump is out of sync. The thoughts have a perfect moment to flood.

     You're worthless, Lilliana. Everybody is watching, and you failed. I let the thoughts get to me and I fall out of my aerial. I manage to keep my composure and finish the dance, even though my musicality is fast. I am still a little shaken.

     I want to cry. I let down the ALDC. I let my trio down. Ms. Abby is going to yell at us, and it was because of my fault. I want to throw up. I want to cave. But our group dance is coming up very shortly. I can feel the rays of disappointment beaming off of Sarah and Pressley. They are never going to forgive me.

    As my mom is cutting the cap out of my hair, Ms. Abby wheels in. She greets us, and I look down at my feet.

     "So, Lilly," Ms. Abby begins. I hate being singled out, and she has done it often. "What happened out there?"