When the Past Returns - BBC Sherlock Fanfic

Chapter 15 - What is Love?

Once Lestrade and his team had cleared the area, the bomb disposal team had done what they needed to do and the three companions had given statements, they were turned over to the paramedics to get checked over. John and Sherlock were deemed fine but they wanted to take Penny in to stay for a few days. John could see on her face that she didn't want to go but he knew that it was the best place for her. He gave her a reassuring smile as they closed the doors to the ambulance and carted her off to St Bart's. 

John looked over to Sherlock only to find that he had already wondered off and called a bad. With a sigh, John broke into a jog to catch up with his friend, joining him in the taxi. The ride back to 221b was silent. Both men still processing what just happened, the things they learnt circling their thoughts. The taxi pulled up to the flat, Sherlock rushed out, not saying a word and slamming the front door behind him. John rolled his eyes, paid the cabbie and followed the detective. By the time John reached the slight warmth of the living room his flat mate was nowhere to be seen. His eyes drifted around the room, how different things had been only a matter of hours ago. Before he and Penny had been kidnapped, before he had bombs strapped to his chest, before Penny nearly died. Penny. I should've gone to the hospital with her, John thought to himself. A wave of guilt washed over him as he remembered how scared Penny had looked in the back of that ambulance. 

After a couple of minutes, lost in thought, John's eyes rested on Sherlock's bedroom door. A sigh escaped the doctors lips as he slowly walked towards the room. Once he reached the door, he didn't have the heart to knock. Though the likelihood of Sherlock already being aware of his presence was quite high. A few moments of silenced passed before any words were spoken. 

"Sherlock?" John's voice was a little shaky. "You can't hide in there forever mate." He was nervous. Sherlock Holmes was unpredictable at the best of times but right now, he was a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off and John, John had just poked it with a stick. After receiving no reply and rustling up some courage he knocked on the door.

"Sherlock? Do you want to talk about it?" John asked. It was mere moments before Sherlock pulled up the door and marched past his friend. Laying down on the sofa without uttering a single word. The blanket that Penny had been curled up in only hours ago was still laying over the arm of the sofa, her perfume lingering on the fabric. John followed his friend, standing opposite him with his arms folded, like an angry parent. Which was rather apt as Sherlock Holmes acted like a child 80% of the time.

"What?" Sherlock mumbled, refusing to look at the doctor.

John scoffed. "What do you mean what? There's a psychopath out there who nearly killed us, going about his life like he is untouchable. Penny was so close to death and without you, she would be. Oh and she just so happens to be said psychos sister! That's a lot to unpack don't you think?"

"What do you want from me John?" Sherlock's voice was calm and collected, as if the events of the day had no effect on him at all. But deep down, Sherlock was seething with anger. He could feel it bubbling away like a dormant volcano just waiting for the right moment to erupt. He had fought away all these emotions for so long that he had become rather masterful at creating a mask to hide behind and there was only one person who could see through it. One person who knew him for who he really was, one person that he couldn't bare to think about. 

"Oh, I don't know Sherlock. Maybe I would like you to react to this like a human being for a change! Show that you care!" As John's voice grew louder, his fists clenched tighter. Sherlock sat up suddenly, looking at John in the eye for the first time since the pool. That's when John knew, he had triggered the bomb. 

"React?" Sherlock's voice was deep and laced with anger, his mask beginning to crack yet his face remained emotionless. The glint of rage in his eyes made John shuffle back nervously. 

"Look Sherlock, I -" John stuttered but was quickly cut off.

"No John! You want to know if I care? You want me to react? Okay! where shall I start? How about the man I've been hunting down for the past week who has killed countless people tried to blow us up today, wow that really sucked!" Sherlock began, almost as if he were trying to belittle the only man left whom he trusted most. Sherlock knew what he was saying and how he was handling this was all wrong but he just couldn't stop himself. The words just kept flowing.

"And what about the fact I had him right where I wanted him and he still got away? Oh well, better luck next time. Or how about when I had to watch the only girl I have ever loved, who I never thought I would see again, who is Moriarty's sister, didn't see that one coming! Almost get taken away from me again? I guess I'll get over it, I've don't it before. How about the fact that now every time I picture her or I hear her name I am filled with so much anger that I just don't know what to do with it. But no mater now much I try, no matter how much I want to hate her, I can't! Was that the kind of reaction you were looking for Doctor Watson?"

Truth be told, John wasn't sure what reaction he wanted from Sherlock. Instead of a burst of anger or some witty retort, John was left speechless. All anger he had felt towards Sherlock had begun to fade away, he couldn't help but pity him. Sherlock had never been one to display any form of emotion other than that of annoyance or boredom, yet here he was speaking of love! Care for someone other than himself. John looked at the man before him, who was now back in his previous position. Curled up with his back to the room. John had never seen the detective so vulnerable. 

"You loved her." It was more of a statement rather than a question though Sherlock still ignored it.

"The ring on the necklace, it's an engagement ring isn't it?" The doctor was getting no reply from his friend but he knew he was listening. 

"You were going to marry Penny!" He said in disbelief. Out of everyone, Sherlock Holmes was the last person he ever expected to want to get married. He had always made a point of being married to his work and nothing else. Sherlock rolled over so he was now facing his friend.

"Emphasis on the past tense. No longer in the cards for me so let's move past it shall we?" His monotone voice resinated through the silent flat.

"So how did it happen?" Curiosity was getting the better of John, but he couldn't help himself. Taking a seat in his chair while keeping his focus on Sherlock, he was anxious to know more.

"The same way it happens for everyone else, I asked her, said said yes."

:Sherlock," John raised his eyebrows at his friend, knowing that he would do everything he could to avoid the topic. Sherlock rolled his eyes, sitting up once more. He held his head in his hands for a moment, unsure of where to start. he had been dreading this moment ever since Penny set foot on Baker Street. Sherlock knew he would have to come clean about his past but he wasn't quite ready to share all his secrets just yet. 

"We're not doing this right now John, just leave it," he said firmly.

"Sherlock, after everything, you're going to close yourself off? You've kept this secret from me ever since Penny showed up and -"

"What happened between me and Penelope Moriarty is in the past where is shall stay and I shall never make such a mistake again!" Sherlock snapped. He stormed back to his room without a second glance at John. The flat fell into silence once more. John held his head in his hands as he sighed. Accepting the fact that he wasn't going to get answers tonight, he decided to turn in. Get some rest before going to visit Penny in the morning. This had been a big night for her too, she needed a friend by her side.

Sherlock mean smile sat on the edge of his bed, also holding his head in his hands. His emotions were out of control. He hated feeling out of control. Memories of his old life with Penny started flashing before his eyes. The time they spent together, the feelings they shared. He wanted so badly to forget them all, to forget that she had ever existed but they remained at the forefront of his mind as he drifted to sleep.