Longing •Bucky Barnes•

•Twelve•

"Bucky I'm sorry okay, I know you didn't want me to, but I'm scared I'll fail." I said and he just stood frozen. "I have everything on the line."

I was getting angry. I was exhausted and in pain enough as it was. I was tired of having to feel bad about this like I wasn't just doing what's best for me. After being stuck away for years I was doing something to better myself because that's all I could do.

"Bucky, just tell me the truth." I said raising my voice. "Do you even care about what I want?"

He flipped around and I saw tears falling from his face. I stood there silent unsure of what to even say. I didn't like to see him like this, but it had just caught me off guard.

"I do care about you, but seeing you like that... seeing you just empty, saying that we were the enemy, acting like you hated us and calling me a traitor, I just wasn't ready for that, to see you like that." He screamed out and I just stood there cold.

"Bucky..." I said softly.

"Go to bed." I heard him say weakly turning away from me again.

"Bucky please..." I begged but he was already walking towards the door.

"Goodnight Valerie." He said before slamming the door almost just as quickly as he came in.

I jumped as the door shut and my rand rose to my mouth. I could just now see the sun coming over the sky line, but I was filled with guilt and confusion. I never wanted to hurt anyone, I didn't want to make this any harder than it had to be but clearly I was going to have to.

I took myself and my guilt to my room to pray I could sleep this away and forget anything had happened.

•

I woke and I immediately was met with Tony sitting in my kitchen. I walked out in a oversized hoodie and he was in casual clothes as well. He was playing with something on his phone until he saw me walk out.

"I picked you up your old favorite." He said holding up a bag.

"What is it?" I asked walking out.

"Essa Bagel. We used to go there every Friday morning." He said and I took the bag cautiously.

"Thank you." I said softly. I walked across from him and started to open up the bagel slowly.

"Does everyone hate me after yesterday or just Bucky?" I asked looking up to him.

"No one hates you Val." He said with a sigh.

"No one wanted me to do what I did yesterday. I get it." I said unwrapping the white take out bag.

"We don't want to see you break. I know remembering is hard enough, but adding this onto that isn't the best of ideas." He said. I pulled out the small round wrapped bagel.

"I want to go back and try again." I said avoiding eye contact.

"Valerie you were completely gone yesterday, the person we spoke to had no idea who we were." He said. "Well you did know us, but not in a good way."

"I'm going to eat this bagel and after I'm going to go try again." I said looking to him before I started to eat.

"You're going to give me grey hair kid." He said covering his face.

"You already have grey hair." I said and he eyed me.

"Rude." He said pointing at me. "I seriously can't let you do that."

"Then let Banner do it. You're not the one who has to live as a prisoner of their own mind." I said adamantly and I took a bite of food. "I blacked out after 5 words so I'll shoot for 6."

"You're going to torture yourself." He said with a huff.

"I've been through much worse." I said shrugging. I had to admit this bagel was absolutely amazing.

"I think you're pushing yourself." He said with a sigh.

"I know, as I have these memories come back it's just showing me that I have a job I need to get back to. HYDRA isn't the only bad guy out there and I need to be getting stronger." I said continuing to each.

"That's not your focus right now." He said looking to me.

"Says who?" I asked.

"Someone who loves you." He said firmly.

"I just don't want to be stuck like this anymore. I'm not trusted, I'm dangerous, and I feel like a mess. I know I said I didn't but I want my life back." I said looking at him with hopeful eyes. "I don't expect you understand, but I need help. I have help and I know that, but the only person who was okay with me doing this hates my guts."

"I'll support you, but I'm always going to worry about you." He said and I nodded.

"That's all I can ask for." I said shrugging.

"What's going on with Bucky? I thought he hated you, but he seemed pretty upset yesterday." He said and I looked up to meet his eyes.

"I don't know." I said shrugging again.

"You're not a very good liar." He said taking another bite of his own bagel.

"I don't know Tony, really." I said avoiding eye contact.

"He was ready to destroy my lab out of anger." He said crossing his arms.

"He has anger problems, that's not new information even for me." I said finishing the first half of my food.

"Is something going on?" He asked me and I made eye contact with him.

"There's nothing going on." I said flatly not really ready to be lying about this.

"Good." He said not sounding to convinced, but he at least didn't push any further. "Are you sure you really want to do this again so soon?"

"I am." I said nodding.

"Alright I'll page Bruce and have Steve take you over." He said with a firm nod.