Indelible Affairs

⚜️ Chapter 26⚜️

ELISABETH WILSON POV

"Are you alright?" Lucy asked me as she walked into the room. "Usually I wouldn't expect to find you awake at this hour but these days it's starting to turn into an habit."

It's currently an hour past midnight and I can't find any sleep. It's been happening lately.

"Can't sleep." I shift uncomfortably on the bed.

"Again?" She raised her eyebrow. "What's going on with you?"

I frowned. A lot has been going on with me, specifically my head.

She placed her handbag on her bed and took off her shoes.

Lucy came and sat next to me on my bed while leaning on the headboard. I remained tacked under the blanket but raised my head to face her.

"I think there's something bothering you Betty. I notice the change. You're always up late, you rarely get any food, I hear you crying in the shower almost every morning though you try to lower your voice and the only time you ever smile or laugh is when returning from a date with Callum. And as soon as he drops you off here that smile turns into a frown." She roamed my face.

I looked away.

"I'm fine Lucy. Don't worr....."

"Don't give me that bullshit. You've been pretending to be alright for a month now but your actions speak otherwise. William notices it too." She scolded.

"He notices...?" I quickly asked.

I and William haven't fully patched things up. We talk once in a while but his guard is always up. I'm sure he hates me now. I see how he looks at me. As if I'm different.

I can't help but feel like a terrible person and everytime I see William I'm reminded of that.

It's been a month since I slept with James. I've done everything in my power to stay away from him. I even pray about it. I rarely talk to God but lately I find myself asking him to help me avoid that man. I don't know if God ever listens to me, why would he? I'm as góod as worthless. But since James and I rarely cross paths then I believe that God may have done something. Even for a sinner like myself.

"Of course Will notices you Betty. He speaks about you on occasions. He cares about you and he's just being an idiot." Lucy comforted me. "Please tell me what's bothering you."

Lucy is currently my only friend. Who would've thought that in the end of the day Lucy would be the only source of comfort available for me? I hope to eventually be a greater source of help for her as she has been for me.

"It's about my mother. As soon as the semester ends I have to go back to Orlando to visit her in prison. I'm just a little shaken about it. We haven't been in good terms ever since she ended up in prison and I'm worried that our mother and daughter relationship is stained." I told her. "She is the only family I have left and I don't know what to do without her. I feel so lost Lucy."

That's one of the reasons I've been this way. I miss my mother and I hope that when we see each other again she'll be there to tell me everything is going to be okay. I really need her, so very much.

I've been so miserable. Sometimes I feel suffocated and I can barely breath. Everytime I look at Callum, I remember what I did to him. I try my best to act fine around him. I smile and laugh at his jokes and do everything to make it up to him. I try to be there when he needs me and I try to be a good girlfriend. But when I return to my dormroom after every date, the guilt swallows me and all I can do is nothing but hate myself. I can't change what I did.

What's done is done.

William's words come back to me more often than usual. I've tried to push the words away but I've failed.

He was right, about everything. I'm foolish and I don't know any better. I'm worse than a whore and I deserve nothing. I deserve no good to ever happen to me.

I've been looking back at life and everything that happened. I'm starting to believe I deserved all the dispeakable things done to me.

The way they treated me, perhaps it was indeed my fault. They would accuse and claim that there's something incredibly wrong with me, may be they were right.

I never thought I had a problem. I never presumed that there was anything remotely wrong with me but now that I think of it, I'm horrible. I'm so dislikable and I wonder how William ever put up with me for all those years.

"So that's why you've been so down. I get how you feel. Its going to be fine. Your mother misses you Betty. I'm sure of it." Lucy rubbed my shoulder.

"So stop turning yourself into a zombie. You look sick Betty, seriously. Sorry to say this but you look terrible and those dark circles under your eyes are getting deeper. I'm sure you've lost some pounds, and as the days proceed you look worse and worse. I think Callum notices it but he just hasn't asked you about it yet. William wanted to come talk to you but he's been caught up with stuff."

The last thing I care about is how I look. And if I look terrible then it's only fair. A terrible face for a terrible person. Perfect.

I sighed.

"Don't worry about it. You and your mom will work things out perfectly." She insisted upon seeing my distress. "Take it from me. I and my mother don't get along, but everytime I see her after she returns from her trips I feel how much she misses me too. It's going to be the same for you two. Please don't stress over it."

I could hear the concern in her calm voice. "Thank you Lucy. It means a lot to me that you're here."

I know she pities me. She's probably the last person who feels any affection for me and I don't know what good thing I did in my life to deserve such a friend.

Callum cares for me but I doubt he'll ever want me after he finds out about everything. And I don't blame him. I'm the one to blame.

I held Lucy's hand that was above my shoulder. "Thank you so much." I said sincerely.

"I'm always here for you." She assured. "Now try to get some sleep. I'm going to take a shower."

She got of the bed and walked to the bathroom.

I closed my eyes and hoped that sleep would take over me.

I don't think I can handle another night of no sleep. I'm usually so tired these days. It's beginning to get hard paying attention in class.

Even Inez and Evans point out my slowly increasing mistakes and I just hope I don't lose my job.

Without enough sleep and my lack of appetite, I've been a walking disaster. Things I used to do perfectly are now getting harder and harder to perform.

Imagine, Lucy is now cleaning up after the both of us because I'm usually late to arrive here after spending hours at the library and sometimes I tend to forget. I'm getting forgetful too. The only thing I'm unable to forget is how much of a monster I truly am.

I wish I was never here. Coming to New York was the worst decision I ever made. If I could change anything in my life, then I would've never applied for a scholarship in New York University. If I never set foot here, then none of this would have happened.

___

I took a while to update, sorry for keeping you guys waiting.

Any thoughts?

May good luck find you.

Please love yourself, self love is important too.

-Lynn.